Sunday Selections

Joining others in this Sunday Selection mix of photo-dumps.

Elephant's Child

From The Highrise

Drifting through Life

And maybe more! 

A couple of days ago at my favourite beach with no one else around. Bliss. Me and the water do something for each other.

I took this shot of the trees and sky but the incredible sky drained the green from the trees.

A new resident in the building places his art all around along with gardening vegetables outside ( we have magnificent grounds)

Another one of his pieces. He's an extremely kind, shy and gentle man.

This is the lake below where I live. I tried to catch a skiff in the shot but I really don't know what happened to it.

I took this shot of Daughter on a nearby cliff when we were away recently in Twillingate, Newfoundland.

This was a lovely old café in the town and I adored how they centered the puffin portrait.

The Unwritable

I don't see many oldies writing about depression so I'm punching down on the keys here today and writing about my visits from the Black Dog.

He's been away more years than I can count and I have written about him before which I will link to later.

My PHC, who is pretty terrific, marked all the stuff going on with me yesterday and ordered lab work on new criteria one of which was B12. Not often done so special requisition.

Then she said: I can put you in touch with a therapist if you are dealing with depression.

Now I seriously had not added depression to my list of issues and I gaped slack jawed at her (further convincing her, no doubt, that I was definitely in the dark clutches of it.) I managed to sputter "Hang on a minute here, I'm NOT suicidal."

So I check in with Dr. Google on the symptoms to refresh myself

The psychological symptoms of depression include:

• continuous low mood or sadness.
• feeling hopeless and helpless.
• having low self-esteem.
• feeling tearful.
• feeling guilt-ridden.
• feeling irritable and intolerant of others.
• having no motivation or interest in things.
• finding it difficult to make decisions.

I would add constant pain and exhaustion and grief to that mix.

And I imagine you could call me full blown and cuddling down with The Black Dog.

These are the forbidden things to write about.

But I do write about forbidden things.

I'm running out of old people who have the unmitigated gall to run off on me and die and not be around to discuss their visits with the Black Dog.

But I truly believe I'm not alone as a depressed oldie.

And I owe an apology to my PHC, she knew.

Links to other posts on this forbidden topic.

Thou Shalt Not

I was thinking today about how I was raised on a whole list of "Thou Shat Nots'

These were all grounded in the following (simple version):

8 shalt nots you will note if you pay attention to such things. These were all hanging in classrooms and churches. All this was gobblydeegook to a young child who had to learn them all for her First Communion and tell the holy priest what each meant  before she made her First Confession, the evil wee thing.

I thought God was a bossy man. Demanding all this from me. Even thinking about such forbidden actions (like disobeying my parents See Number 5) was a criminal action resulting in acres of repetitive prayers as penance after the aforesaid confession, for God, this petty tyrant, would be offended forever if I didn't seek forgiveness for each transgression.

I was one of those kids that preceded everything she uttered with the word why. You can imagine how absolutely annoying I was in asking parents and teachers to explain all the whys in the above 10 COMMANDMENTS (They always sounded like commands from a general to me). I remember the stuttering and stammering around Adultery as I pushed and pushed about how could daddy want another child's mummy.

Coveting was explained as wanting another child's toys or sweets. I had a million of those particular sins, wanting their bikes and train sets and nicer sweets than I had. I kept the priest busy every Saturday keeping track of it all.

Wanting to murder my annoying little brothers was another Big One. They drove me mad in countless ways. But even the thought of hurting them qualified as another Big One. And I thought about it a lot and had to count those thoughts and report them faithfully.

The neighbour boy would steal our balls and puncture our bicycle tires so there was no honouring happening there, let me tell you, hard as I tried and hard as I confessed my failure to do so every week.

All this to say there were no Shalts at all in my wee life. No good stuff. No guidance. No orderly 10 instructions on living in positivity. Just this heavy burden of constant sin, evidence of my own worthlessness. God was disinterested in the good stuff like hugging your baby brother when he fell and cried or sharing your biscuits with a child who never had any.

I thought the Ten Commands from this useless General were an absolute bust. And he should have tried harder with his soldier Moses who did all the chiseling and carving on the mountain top and then had to carry all that gear and big heavy stone on his back on the way back down and then yell at everyone going by that this was the way they had to live now or God would be mad at them and rain hell fire and damnation on them all lickety-split so shut up and listen you pagan heathens. 

And now in my doddery elderly condition I would condense the whole shit show of orders and neediness down to one word.

Kind. Be kind. 

The Ordinary

 I embrace it in times of stress and worry.

Just carrying on doing the do things if my body happens to co-operate that day. And my mind is not seething with "why bothers"

I'll hit 81 next week. (I know I'm as shocked as you.)

I find I am diminishing as I age, much of the time I feel irrelevant. Though I'm trying not to geezer my way through these last few years.

Life is not like before where I couldn't keep up with social demands and entertaining in my own home (I really, really miss that). The phone rings with other old geezers like myself, sometimes lonely, sometimes helpful. I find we help each other out more, picking up or dropping off or just now when fireworks ripped the night sky apart, texting to complain about the helpless animals affected. We've lived that with beloved pets

I don't start sentences with "In my time"

I try not to say "I've seen it all before" - though that's a tough one.

But I have, seen it all before I mean. War threats (try the sixties) revolutionary music, skirts that barely covered the arse (now they buy them ripped but I hold my tongue)and tall boots that were like scaffolding(they never quite went away, did they?)

Like some, I don't complain about modern technology (I embrace every twist and turn - hello TikTok!) or young people - most inspire me and teach me.

I am grateful for all I still can do (on my good days, mark you!) 

One close friend, a year younger than me, has just lost her driver's license. Mine was renewed for 5 years recently and I am beyond happy about that. I still love driving and miss the days when I'd belt across Canada with my dog in tow. My insurance rates are laughably low. I won't jinx it by telling you why though you can probably guess. 64 years of driving under my belt now. I learned on the rough old boreens of Ireland.

I'm rambling on - now I see I am an old geezer.

Here's a few pics.

Dinner last night. A freshly caught salmon from a friend.

A lovely lunch overlooking the ferries and boats a few days ago.

Flowers from a friend today which lifted me up from loneliness for my family of origin. 

Much to be grateful for. And I am.

Question Time

Questions, the social kind,

Looking for answers, yes,

But not bothered by evasions,

Delusions, quirks and quarks

As they by their deft ducking

Reveal a little more 

Of what is safely stored

Not quite concealed

From the saucy

Inquisitor.

1. When do you feel insecure?
2. When do you feel most secure?
3. What do you view as success?
4. What do you view as failure?
5. What's the hardest challenge right now?
6. What do you miss most?
7. What do you treasure most?

 (1) When I think too deeply about the state of the planet and politics, wars, climate change, famine and the upending of so many citizens from their own countries. Not for me, but for my granddaughter's generation.

(2) I had to really think about that and it's in the company of my daughter.

(3) In having helped others, been of service to those around me, in my efforts to be kind by listening and counselling when asked. I know I have been at my best when being listened to and really heard and I've tried to pass that on to others.

(4) When I have been unkind or impatient. See 3. I find myself holding back rather than revealing who I am or not telling those cherished by me how much I love them enough. I was startled recently when a fellow tenant in the building declared her love of me in front of a few others, telling people why. And the warmth from this I felt for days afterwards. I need to do more of this myself.

(5) My hardest challenge has always been self-care. I need to do more of my physio, book health appointments, lose my embarrassment and get the goddam rollator and walk more. Embrace old age rather than trying to dodge it.

(6) I have to say my younger daughter who is estranged from her entire family and friends for the close to twenty years and lives in another country. I would add to that those beloveds who have died, some far too young. Many in the last ten years have broken my heart.

(7) My elder daughter and granddaughter, my family of origin, and my dear surviving friends who never fail to boost me up and call out my crap now and again.

I like this little piece sent by a friend recently.

And please share your thoughts if you wish on the questions.

Much Ado About Nothing.

 I don't really know what I'm writing about here, I'll just go with my own flow. I could transcribe my hand written journal but I'm afraid you'd completely snore off before reaching the end of a couple of sentences.

I am seeing all these pics of my five siblings in Ireland and feeling quite sad and yes, my old friend The Black Dog lurks in the undergrowth of my mind.

WhatsApp and Zoom keeps us all together and I can see my sick brother being taken out and about to old spots and it was a big thrill to see the photo of my four brothers today. I can't remember the last time a photo was taken of the four of them as they live in three different countries. 

All this to say with incredible heat and humidity and yes, loneliness for family,  I need a fainting couch and some smelling salts. I have always hated heat and time in the tropics has been wasted on me. I have never understood the concept of wintering in the sunnier climes like Florida and Arizona. I thrive in the cold, not the heat. And this 95% humidity does my head in. One of the reasons I moved here was to escape the viciousness of Ontario summers. But climate change has caught up with Newfoundland. An island not equipped for heat.

So I've accomplished nothing in the last ten days. There's a huge cooling porch in my building but I would have to put on a nice face and engage socially which feels like a mountain I can't climb at the moment.

I actually drove down to take a pic of JK Rowling's yacht in the harbour in the fog.

And stopped to catch these ducks in the fog in the lake near my home.

Sunday Selections

 Joining others in this Sunday Selection mix of photo-dumps.

Elephant's Child

From The Highrise

Drifting through Life

And maybe more!

Rambling around my apartment time:

I stole a cutting from the conservatory a couple of months ago and put it in this wee wall vase. It's grateful.

I love this mini garden on a side table.

A little tribute wall behind the door in my bedroom of the dear ones lost in the last few years. Some of the kindest people I have ever known. The one on the left is me and my bestie (since we were 6 years old). The two on the right were treasured mentors.

I am editing my part memoir of a stretch of time when I was only 23 years old which had a lasting impact on me. Chapter outlines, character outlines, magnifying glass for my not so good anymore eye sight.

This most gorgeous hand-painted card from a dear artist friend received a few days ago. We have travelled a long, convoluted path together encouraging each other's artistic endeavours. 

Childhood Trauma.

The hospital of 1949 horror still standing, 3rd window from left, 2nd floor.

Indulge me, please, if you would. This is long but heartfelt.

My #2 brother (I have 4) is going through an extremely rough time at the moment on a gurney in a hospital corridor exposed to lights, noise and the comings and goings of strangers. He's only allowed one visitor at a time. If you could call that interrupted and overheard time a "visit". He is very ill with a cancer that has gone crazy in his body and was moved (via taxi!) to hospital yesterday as he had developed clots in his left leg. Public health care in my home country is drastically underfunded and he told me last night that when he asked for a pillow there was none forthcoming as there were no funds for that kind of health care. To call me upset would be understating the whole situation as I imagine myself where he is and would want to die. A 'kill me now' scenario.

I'm in flashback mode Daughter reminded me today.

I'll give you the scene:

A six year old girl (me) in hospital with eye infections after an operation on them, plus a removal of adenoids and tonsils. Blood. Lots. In an adult ward as there were no children's hospitals back then, 74 years ago. Terrified. The adult patients around me "teased" me constantly. In those days child abuse was called "teasing" They told me my parents had forgotten about me, told me I was going blind. You get the picture.

Missing my mother who had two younger boys at home. My bandages were taken off one day and I was told to go into the corner to a baby's cot. Inside that cot was brother #2 with something pouring out of his ears. He was bawling his head off clutching his ears. I remember shutting down completely, holding his little hand. He was only a year old. He still had no words but "mama." 

I worked everything out inside my head. My parents were abandoning us, one by one. But they had missed brother #1 so they must be keeping him. Maybe he was a better child, maybe we were bad children like I was told by the priest at school. All born bad. Only when I had my First Confession would I be cleaned of my  original sin. Maybe I had infected my brother with my sin. As I had already  been told I had infected him with the measles that had put me and him in the hospital. 

Mum arrived that night. She and dad took turns each night. I wouldn't let her go, I screamed and cried and followed her down the stairs hanging on to her and I saw I had made her cry and that made me worse, shouting at her even more to take me and my brother out of there.

The nurses pried me off her and told me how awful I was upsetting her like that and threw me on my bed telling the ward not to speak to me as I was a very bad girl upsetting my mother like that.

My father arrived the following night in a towering rage. He dragged me over to my brother's cot and said I was upsetting everyone, the whole hospital, with my naughtiness and whinging and rudeness, look at my brother crying all the time on account of me.

If I ever did this again, my mother would never visit me. Never. Put that in my pipe and smoke it. Never. And that would mean she wouldn't see my brother either.

And I shut up. I shut up on situations when I shouldn't have shut up. I recognized at a very early age that my feelings didn't count, my voice was of no value. And I could be abandoned at the drop of a hat.

I learned to speak up through therapy and support, not to take things lying down, to call out evil and abuse. To help where I could, to scream and shout at authorities, to advocate for the homeless and seniors in poverty. To see and call out government ineptitude. To write and petition and not ever people-please to make my own life easier and never worry about what "others" might think. My true friends would love me as I love them.

I spoke up today, to my family to do more. To help my little brother more. To get him out of an intolerable situation if at all possible. To fight for him, for that little guy in the cot in the corner, crying himself to sleep. Exhausted.

 

Serious Hot Stuff

Interview on Churchill Falls evacuation, wild fires. In Labrador.

I started my blog way back in the mists of time writing about this. And here I am twenty years later, still thinking, talking and writing it.

Like a nonsense of an oul granny wittering away about her favourite cat.

I moved to Newfoundland for a few reasons. A primary one was climate change. Newfoundland was deemed one of the safest places in the world in which to live.

If you want to read what Gwyn Dyer says about it, here's the link Gwyn Dyer.

Here's the pertinent paragraph:

What price do you see Newfoundland and Labrador paying with regards to climate change?
Newfoundland pays a smaller price than most places. I’ve talked to a lot of people about this; scientists and so on, and I’d say we’re one of the three or four most favoured places, that now have a significant population in the world, to withstand the ravages of climate change because of global warming. Essentially, the oceans are cooler than the land here. We have an oceanic climate and we’re very far north as these things go. Put those two things together and what you don’t get in Newfoundland is what you do get in most land parts of the planet, which is: the heating over land is much higher than the global average.

My direct observations, having lived here now for twenty odd years:

Summers are hotter, far more humidity, a longer fog season.

Birds are hurting. Many, many more are thrown on our shores by unseasonable storms. Hurricanes have taken out a few towns. Wildfires are rampant today in Labrador with a whole town evacuated. Labrador, reminder, home of the Innuit and igloos and dog teams. Migrations are iffy.

Icebergs are getting bigger and bigger as Greenland melts. Awesome for the tourists, bad for the rising sea levels here and everywhere.

Shorelines are changing, vanishing. I noticed that when I lived around the bay and I'd note the changes in daily walks with my dog along the shore outside my house.

And today, as I fold my winter clothes into storage, I note I never had to do that before. There was only one set of clothes when I moved here. A medium set. Now I wear the summer clothes of yore. Light cotton, head band for the sweat. Air conditioning has become de rigeur here now. None in my building, as it was never built to withstand such excruciating heat and there's talk of expensive retro-fitting.

Lawns were never watered, now they are. BBQs and outdoor bonfires are forbidden across the whole island as of yesterday. Unheard of before. Water levels will lower before too long now. 

Grapes are now growing here and some have managed to grow quinoa. More heat resistant paving is being thrown on the roads.

And, yes. the heat season has expanded and heightened to such an extent that private swimming pools are being installed in many homes.

I just placed a hold in the Library on the book The Heat Will Kill You First

I saw several interviews with the author and maybe it's better to know what's coming and plan the pre-exit strategy.

Thoughts?

Narcissism Magnified

 All sorts of thoughts crowd into your head some days. At least they do in mine.

I am so grateful for the massive reach-out in my last post. Like a ginormous hug. I have the best of readers. The absolute best.

It meant more than I can say as I traverse a sad journey alone apart from the support of my family and you wonderful readers.

I had one of those thoughts about aging this morning and I'm throwing it down here.

The natural (unnatural?) instinct of old age is to get more and more selfish. The organ recital for one. Every time I meet some people (fellow tenants, randoms in coffee shops) they launch into their ailments. I call it the organ recital. That's fine but they never offer a question as to my state of being. 

I am blessed in that I have a fellow traveler in our journeys of ill health and we launch into our challenges, big and small with each other and care deeply about ongoing nasty health issues. But that's it for me. I get comfort from her emails and I trust she from mine.

I rarely talk about mine to others unless asked (and I am astonished how rarely I am asked.) 

But around me the bleats go on but I also notice that their language is full of bleats. About everything. And I have to deal with them being in the position I am.

 There is so little joy in these elders' lives and I wonder why. I could list all The Things and they are all the same.

• Nobody calls
• Nobody visits
• I hate the *fill in the blank* here
• I don't like being bossed around.
• Organ Recital.
• I'm bored.
• So and so is pissing me off.
• Nobody cares if I live or die.
• Life was so much better back then.

They've stopped caring about others, feel no need for learning new things or exploring ideas. Have very few hobbies and hate being alone with their own negative thoughts so inflict them on others willy nilly.

 

One of the things I do when feeling down and sorry for myself is to reach out to someone else. Always. 

I was crap yesterday and reached out to my neighbour who's is down with Covid yet again (doesn't believe in masks) and cooked her dinner and dropped it off outside her door. I forgot my grief. Forgot my own stubborn body in those moments. And thought to myself, I just know her daughters won't give a fig and how lonely is that for her? I know she's all about herself when they're around her. So basically, it's self-inflicted isolation. 

It's easy to be kind to the loveables but I find being kind to the unloveables raises me out of myself more. It's more of an effort.

The isolation of old age can be a form of narcissism, A dear friend always maintains that our contrary traits in youth really magnify in old age.

I see it all around me. The What About Me Syndrome. 

Long post. Oops.

Thoughts? How do you deal with it?

MEMENTO MORI

Ben Bulben

The last 3 lines of W. B. Yeats' poem. I sat there one time under the shadow of Ben Bulben and read the entire poem. And looked up finally and saw that of all people, the Clancy Brothers were there too, to pay their respects. Gobsmacked doesn't cover it.

Under bare Ben Bulben's head

In Drumcliff churchyard Yeats is laid,   

An ancestor was rector there

Long years ago; a church stands near,

By the road an ancient Cross.

No marble, no conventional phrase,   

On limestone quarried near the spot   

By his command these words are cut:

               Cast a cold eye   

               On life, on death.   

               Horseman, pass by!

Simple and powerful.

I am struck recently by the number of my blog readers who have died. Leaving memento mori on their blogs, some blogs have vanished. I have some last cards
sent by a few in the mail. With their photos. The Big C has taken most of them.

I can't even count the real life friends who have died. Another twenty five? Two of whom are also seriously ill right now.

All this to say, it accounts for extreme loneliness at times, wishing for that physical shoulder to lean on, the understanding, the depth of compassion and caring that comes from really old friends, the ones who climbed trees with you or cribbed your homework.

I am going through a very rough patch at the moment. Someone I love deeply is going through a sudden and rapid life changing ordeal. And the world is being turned on its axle.

I have tried sharing my depth of sadness out here but have been abandoned, one time physically in mid sentence, a couple of times (I haven't shared it hardly at all) by those on text who are my closer newer friends who live nearby but these have never followed up with questions about how am I doing, and get on with their own demands on my time as if this terrible thing isn't happening.

And speaking of time, I am so very grateful I am busy and involved with three different projects, I light a candle and play some gentle music and sing some of the old songs I would sing on stage back in the day. Self-soothing.

I am very grateful for a blog friend who stays in touch every day as we lurch along together with many challenges but have the honesty to spill it out and commiserate. 

But yes, loneliness stalks me like never before while still grateful I am on this side of the daisies as I view an afterlife as twaddle.

But I think we only hit this point of life when we survive and outlive our dearies and look around us when hurting and go whoa, Nelly, where are they all gone?

My dad. a widower forever, described it to me one time but I didn't listen, there must have  been pain in his voice but I didn't notice. I blithely said "Da, why don't you make some new friends?"

Karma. Ta, Da.

Before I hit the post button, I dove into other memento mori posts I have written over the years and was astonished at how many there were. All the old lovers are dead now, the last one in September. 

Memento Mori

 

Sunday Selections

 Joining others in this Sunday Selection mix of photo-dumps.

Elephant's Child

From The Highrise

Drifting through Life

And maybe more!

Well, actually it's late Saturday here.

Here are a few shots from my week here: 

Daughter was always the spit of her father but in the last few years we are beginning to look more and more alike and dress the same unintentionally, and put on our napkins like this in a who gives an eff approach to fine dining. A kindly gentleman snapped us eating these incredible award winning  pizzas at PI.

In case you're wondering, we took multiple meals home in our doggie bags. 

Then we headed up Signal Hill as the sun was setting and snapped away in the fading light.

A boat towing a wee boat into the harbour.

Fort Amherst Lighthouse down below.

It was foggy for many days, the above is me taking a photo as I pulled out of the driveway below during the week. This bakery prepares everything from scratch, complete meals - a huge variety - and of course cakes and breads and croissants and muffins galore. The aroma of all this freshness grabs you by the throat as you go in. Instant massive hunger. And it's out in the middle of nowhere beside a lake.

The faded look and ha ha sky is the fog enveloping everything.

Some of the goodies on offer.

And finally a Monet postcard from Grandgirl in Paris where she and her mum had actually listened to me when I said please go the Musee d'Orsay as my birthday treats as you will be blown away. And they were. And spent most of the day there, which thrilled me as I had too a few years back. Grandgirl sent me this postcard with her exquisite writing on the back as this was her favourite and like myself in my time, she spent many many minutes with the original. She has also taken the time to visit Monet's house and proudly says she has quite a familiarity with ALL his work now. She is loving her life in Paris. But I miss her terribly.

 

Sunday Selections

Joining others in this Sunday Selection mix of photo-dumps.

Elephant's Child

From The Highrise

Drifting through Life

And maybe more!

Well, actually it's late Saturday here.

Here are a few shots from my week here: 

I loved this book and writer and ordered more by him at my local library

Dinner with my daughter at a new Mexican restaurant. A chimichanga.

We have a late spring here and this is outside my apartment building. The Atlantic is between the hills and the lake is just below it. I always love the blues here. I call these pics #40shadesofblue and I have many.

This postcard from family in Ireland made me snort. It doesn't photograph well but features all sorts of attraction at the bottom such as wellness centre, air conditioning, ocean view and organic gardens. As you can see, the place is a wreck. Members of my family scribbled notes on the back and tested out their new pens which you can see seeping through. I love love love postcards and have a large collection.

My coffee grinder is 50 years old and was given to me for my 30th birthday by a dear friend. I have used it just about every day since then. I note it was made in France and may have been one of the first domestic electrical coffee grinders. At the same time my husband gave me a Philips Coffee drip,  the first of those drips as before then it was those percolators we had. That was accidentally dropped by another friend about 25 years ago. I'm sure it would have still been on the go if this hadn't happened. It brings to mind the built in obsolescence of modern machines.

Monday Mural

 I've loved this mural forever on the side of a building that is now being refurbished. The Benevolent Irish Society has rescued it and is placing it on their building now..

Sheila's Brush is a Newfoundland weather superstition. It's a winter storm believed to follow on the heels of St. Patrick's Day (March 17). 'Brush', according to the Dictionary of Newfoundland English is a Newfoundland word for 'stormy weather'.

Sunday Selections

Joining others in this Sunday Selection mix of photo-dumps.

Elephant's Child

From The Highrise

Drifting Through Life

And maybe more!

Well, actually it's late Saturday here.

Here are a few shots from my day here:

Bangers and mash and baked beans for supper tonight.

I worked on spreadsheets for quite a few hours - spreadsheets, my well-paying work for it seems like a century now.

I like this configuration beside my office desk. The list is all the stuff on my agenda, I have a habit of shouting "finito!" when I think I've ticked all the items that come into my day but I glance up at this blackboard and go: "Oh crikey - no!" Crikey is a euphemism. The clock is an old railway one picked up at an antique store one time, the calendar features opera of the month. May is Giuletta e Romeo.

I woke up to heavy fog this morning outside my window. Normally there's lake and ocean on view in the distance. I'm a weirdo who loves fogs and the accompanying foghorns.

Processing Bad News

I haven't seen this topic written about at all.

But receiving news that is upsetting or awful or tragic or frightening?

How do we process this?

In different ways?

Grief is weird and awful. When someone close to me has died I take ages to process it. When my father died it involved flying to Ireland with delayed overnight at Heathrow and a complete blank of what happened after Heathrow, the journey to see my dead father, the wake, the funeral, the reception at a hotel with the entire family and friends. 

Then over coffee with a few friends in downtown Cork the following day - four days since I left Canada - was where I finally burst into floods of tears and had to be carted off to the nearest washroom and mopped up and comforted for a very long time.

I was only in my twenties when my mother died from a horrific form of cancer and I hit the bottle savagely (giving "bottling it up" a brand new meaning) and it took me years to walk away from that and get the help and counselling I desperately needed.

I bottled up all the deaths of nine close friends in the space of a year and half about six years ago and it was only when my doctor told me I was falling into massive ill health as my blood pressure was through the roof and my kidneys were failing and then asking me what the hell was going on when I told him, after some difficulty articulating it, about all my dead dear ones. He immediately referred me to a grief therapist and I will be forever grateful for what followed. Six months of therapy. I was up to that point in my life completely unaware of how unrecognized depression and darkness and grief can impact someone physically even mortally.

I received really bad news about a family member in the last few days and I am crying freely and often about it which is a massive improvement from the old me. Bottling it all up and tamping it all down.

How do you process bad news or grief?

A Long Blurt: Understanding the Trump Cult.

I admit, try as I might, I never could understand how so many are swept up in the Cult of Trump and now I finally do - I finally do, and it scares the bejesus out of me. For if it could happen here, in the microcosm that is my world, it could happen anywhere.

My building has 49 apartments with approximately 55 tenants. All of us are seniors ranging in age from 65 to 90+, independent, self-cooking, self-feeding and self-bathing and -dressing.

The building was purchased last September by a very well known charitable organization. I have donated to them in the past as they help so many disadvantaged and have a stellar reputation. As you know, I was elected Chair of the Tenants’ Committee.

So the manager of the building was fired. We are not privy to the reasons and we shouldn’t be as he is an employee of the building owners (who have at least 500 employees). It would be a breach of confidentially.

He has been allowed to stay on here in his reduced rent apartment until he finds another position. Which is more than fair.

Since his firing last week he has gone around the building summoning support for a petition requesting his re-hire as he has been treated so unfairly.

I overheard a few of his conversations with fellow tenants, he has threatened some and yelled at others and monitors the notice board in the lobby all day and night dragging tenants over and hovering over them as they sign.

I have asked the committee not to get involved in this as the full picture is unknowable at this point and our new owners would certainly have grounds to dismiss him. (I know of a few of his transgressions, learned on the grapevine).

The answers from the 66% (so far) who have signed are:

(1) He’s a wonderful kind man and it’s appalling how they are treating him

(2) They were forcing him to do jobs that wasn’t part of his agreement (they’re not)

(3)They told him he had lied on this application about being computer literate.

(4) They’re saying he went AWOL and we know that’s not true (it is)

(5) They’re saying he wasn’t out of his pajamas before noon and watched TV all day and that’s not true (it is)

And on it goes. The man should have been canonized long ago.

I have no idea how it will all go down But I did phone one of the board today to give them a heads up on the confrontation the tenants have planned. The adversarial discord in the building. The glares those who didn't sign up are getting. Some on the committee have caved under the pressure. 

I felt it only fair to warn them. As this board is truly amazing on what they are planning for here (and have secured funding for). And I just know they would never dismiss anyone without just cause. And this “saint” of a man has definitely given them many.

And it really hit me, as I mull all of this over, this is Trumpville. The truth doesn’t matter but let us hang my hat on a cause and be part of this wonderful cult.

Please.

Blurt on Old Age and Community

What I didn't expect when I took on the position of Chair of our Tenants' Committee was the level of enthusiasm and engagement at our first couple of meetings.

There was no problem with securing a secretary and a treasurer and a vice chair and a liaison person with the social committee. A speedy agreement on our mission was established. 

Frankly, I was surprised at the different life stories and backgrounds that bring so many to the table of mutual benefit and co-operation. 

There are 5 women and 3 men on the board. All in the same age bracket. 70 and upwards. I expected some misogyny from the men, being of the age of more patriarchal dominance, but so far I've seen none exhibited which heartens me completely. None over-talking the women, everyone listening and respectful.

I am not a social butterfly in the building for I am a gregarious loner as long time readers of my blog know. I do not participate in all the social activities here apart from the odd BBQ or Seasonal Communal Dinners. The fact that I was voted into this position continues to astonish me. I have only a select few co-residents in the building that I would call friends. I have very strong boundaries on those with whom I engage on a familiar level and discourage doorbell ringing and unexpected "drop-ins." 

But it really struck me after the last meeting a few days ago that elders have so much to contribute on a communal level when given the opportunity.  

We have a seniors environment that often resembles a boarding school with cliques and infights over the tiniest things. As I've mentioned before, I have the kind of face that everyone tells their secrets to. So yes, I hear about the spats and romances (you'd be shocked!).

But with expanding their worlds into the bigger picture, kindness and working, even a little, for the benefit to all, these elders show a different, side, a better side.

I'm hoping my perception doesn't change. 

And if it does, only for the better.