Loss

Losses are painful and all part of living. At times it's the small things that hit the hardest. I check my emails every morning and the one I looked forward to the most is missing. And will be forever. And fresh tears leak. I know that too, will diminish in time. I tracked down this post I made when another died. It helped then and it helps me now. For all those who miss her and those who have suffered more than their share in the past year. I'm thinking also of my dear brother who died last November and I think of, especially, Andrew and Kylie

On those days when you miss someone the most, as though your memories are sharp enough to slice through skin and bone, remember how they loved you.
Remember how they loved you and do that, for yourself.
In their name, in their honour.
Love yourself, as they loved you.
They would like that.
On those days when you miss someone the most,
love yourself harder.

Author : Donna Ashworth

 

Miscellany

 

A photo I took the other day of a spot near my podiatrist's office. Sometimes I catch sight of the ferry here which goes back and forth to Bell Island. I was entranced by the skyscape meeting the seascape.

Bell Island Ferry.

An unusual personality test which hit me square in the noggin last week. Normally I avoid such "tests" but this one was irresistible. I recommend.

You are a Mad Scientist

POSITIVE AFFECT: 36
NEGATIVE AFFECT: 20

You’re a Mad Scientist! This means that you have high positive and negative affect, or, put another way, you tend to feel both positive and negative emotions deeply. Everything is awesome or everything is terrible, depending on your mood.

This leads to a cascade of good qualities: Mad Scientists usually are highly extroverted, passionate about their interests, deeply curious, and relentless seekers. We often see this profile in CEOs, entrepreneurs, consultants, and all types of adventure-seekers who travel for their jobs. But this affect profile does come with costs.

In other events, I was startled to get a call from a random woman I met in a grocery story a week or so ago, and had about an hour's conversation with. To make a long story short, she tracked me down and called me and asked if I could meet her for coffee. Which I did. Three and half hours later we realized we have known each other forever. Our lives were linked in so many ways as were uncountable. This is highly unusual at any age but in our elder years completely astonishing. And yes, we are meeting again. I hadn't realized with so many of my friends gone to stardust that I desperately needed something like this. 

And my heart is with our dear darling blogger friend Sue who has undergone so much in the last few months. I view her as a very dear friend and we have exchanged daily emails for years. The void of her absence now leaves a gigantic hole in my life and I'm sure in all of her readers' lives also.  She is one of a kind.

What Happened?

 A month slid out from under me. These things happen. I am miserly with my energy these days. I need it for the things of life which would be but a blink in the old days but now take up a fair bit of time. A lot has happened, it always does. And stuff I should be doing   must do gets shovelled out of the way "for now" and stuff I have positively no interest in doing but get sucked into, gets half-heartedly started and abandoned. Time wasting. Unforgiveable when one gets to my massive age. Old habits die hard.

But I got myself a new computer, a swish, sparkling white, 27" screen beauty with a matching keyboard. And oh the difference. My old one, which owed me nothing, had a fading, uncertain screen, which nearly made me blind but in the habit of my people, I clung to her, praying she would collapse and die and alleviate guilt in getting a new shiny effort, well she didn't. Die completely. But I bit the bullet. And voila! Only thrilled. And wondering why I didn't do it sooner. I had set the money aside for such a purchase.

Meanwhile I struggled with a task I offered to assist a friend with.  God knows why. She has abused our "friendship" in the past and does not respect the work I do but demands more and more (unpaid). I wrestled with my own people pleasing personality in an effort to disentangle myself from the mess she I had created which boiled down to the fact that I did not need her as a "friend" and my brain busied itself with how I would bail out. For good. And I should mention also, I was her counsellor in all sorts of messes she put herself in. And then I landed, after a few days of much too much mulling, on the excuse of "lack of energy" which is the truth. I do not have energy for her vampire sucking. And I do not have to be specific. But gently let her slide off into a state of 'be well and prosper' without me. Phew. Done and dusted.

Meanwhile, my indoor garden cheers me no end. It lifts my spirits every single day.

And I will get on with the stuff that pleases me now. More on that later.