Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Should

It's an awful word. Should. I've struggled with it for many a year.

The internal voice.

As I'm sitting here, all the shoulds are piling up on top of me.

I have a PG** coming for two nights. She's from Switzerland. She's travelling the world. I debated taking her as technically I'm a shut shop until Spring. But then the water tank blew up, needed replacement in breach of the tight budget around here, and I thought (as I always do) don't worry about money so much when money is thrown in your face like this. Bad karma. Take it when it's offered. So I did.

Another friend just died, an expected death but still. She's in Ontario and has lived an extraordinary life. She would never have seen it that way, but the truly great don't. For example she devoted a couple of years of her life to working in a clinic in Africa to help FGM* victims and educate residents as to why this was so barbaric. She will be missed. I heard from her only a week ago.

Another friend has pretty much a terminal form of cancer.

The true cost of aging, as the old man said, your friends drop like flies around you.

The silken thread of memory gets severed, you carry the memories alone.

No, I'm not morose. Philosophical really.

I'm shoulding myself into making up the guest room and tidying the dining room where this long, long table gets so quickly covered in the detritus of my life. Oh yeah, and the bathroom. And the hall where my storm door was fixed and there's more detritus. And the living room and kitchen.....

And a deadline of reading a book for the Book Club (thick, tiny print, 400 pages).

And darkness comes so early, melancholia. A season for dying, truly.

I'm sure I can think of many other shoulds.

It's a bloody useless word.

It should be banned.

*female genital mutilation
**paying guest

22 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear that there's so many awful things happening for you lately. It seems these things are always happening all around us but it's more terrible when it affects us personally.
    I think the older we get the more people we lose.... thats obvious but somehow we battle through. Now I'm older I think I'm contented with little things and I think these small pleasures seem to balance out the bad things. However, sometimes we do get swamped.
    Maggie x

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    1. Yes, the small pleasures Maggie, I just love them. The trees so naked, the monster moon, the ocean twinkling, the birds flying south.
      This life is so precious.
      XO
      WWW

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  2. Replies
    1. Good catch Tom, I was hoping it would be spotted.

      XO
      WWW

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  3. Here's a "good should"...you should know that your blog readers are uplifted by your posts.

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    1. How absolutely sweet of you! Made my day!

      XO
      WWW

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  4. Yes, the deaths are mounting up in my world, too. And lots of them are younger than me.
    And yet I just keep on going. I can't bear not to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know Hattie. My latest friend Darlene had just turned 80. All the others have been younger. BTW I loved your latest post on invisibility.
      XO
      WWW

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  5. "Should" is a kind of internalised parent, isn't it, giving you orders and denying your freedom to decide things for yourself. It works by making you feel guilty. Fortunately I'm quite immune to feeling guilty.

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    Replies
    1. I'm not guilty with the shoulds I'd say more stressed than anything. I tell my barking internal father to STFU. A trick from a therapist that works.LOL
      XO
      WWW

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  6. I read a wonderful phrase on Cathy @ Still Waters today:

    This is the Life, you wouldn’t be dead for quids.

    I know that’s not what it feels like very often, my life has been very dismal for a long time now, yet the alternative isn’t much cop either. Let’s just continue, plod on, rave and rant, cry and laugh through our tears. We are still here.

    So gird your loins and get that spare room ready. Perhaps the guest is fun? If not, take the money and shut up shop after her. Sod the shoulds.

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    Replies
    1. I didn't mean to sound down or anything Friko, I think I'm through the worst of loss in the last while, touch wood. I have no doubt she'll be interesting. Women travelling the world alone inevitably are, there have been a few crossing my threshold.
      Almost ready now :)

      XO
      WWW

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  7. I ahd never thought of them as the shoulds, but I sure get them from time to time. It appears that I am going through a period of should nots.
    I'm losing people too, part of life, makes the time here just that much more precious.

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    1. I so agree Brig, precious days even in the rain fog drizzle (RFD) day I see out here. To breathe is to affirm an incredible existence.
      XO
      WWW

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  8. So sorry for the loss of your friend, and I am uplifted by your posts, too. Best of luck with your guest. Sorry I cannot manage more today.

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    1. So sorry to hear E. You've hit a long rough spot. I wish you light and send you love.
      XO
      WWW

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  9. If you could maybe you would - just leave the shoulds to do their own thing :)

    WWW - I'm thinking of you in that far away country, with your little bays and tickles. Am also echoing krayolakris' words - we read your words and 'feel' each one.
    Take care
    Cathy

    Cathy @ Still Waters

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah the bays and tickles Cathy. The grand sweep of them all. We were talking about such things last night in fact.
      And thanks you for those lovely words!
      XO
      WWW

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  10. How about adding "MUST" to that. "I MUST do that today!" Why? Nah! Leave it till tomorrow.

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    1. I find a Must adds to stress RJA, weird that.
      I'm a mad one for the to do lists though. Every stroke of one item off it and I'm like a child in glee.
      XO
      WWW

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