A feeling of being overwhelmed.
A planned road trip for Daughter and Grandgirl and self to see her graduate from U of T grad school, a huge achievement, wearing me down, even the very thought of it.
Too many medications switches (JFC this blood pressure thing is a nightmare, effecting my kidneys, my outlook, my sanity) to even count. And I won't go on with that, medi-bores are just that and I bore myself.
Uncertainty.
Others' expectations.
I dreaded the talk with D & G.
But I bit the bullet, appropriately, on Mother's Day. I kept thinking I was making too much of my physical challenges, but boy, believe me, some days are absolute shyte and they are utterly unpredictable. And being away from my bubble, this perfect little apartment with doctors on call and friends around, intimidated me with the what-ifs. Plus moving attention away from my darling girl with sick old granny lurking somewhere in her apartment surrounded by pills and drenched in fear. I know, I exaggerate, but you get the drift of the way I was feeling. When I have bad days I practise massive avoidance of people and things and events. It's easy. But not on the road or Somewhere Else.
So I threw on the Big Girl Knickers and at the end of our lovely brunch yesterday told D I could not make the trip and talked of my fears and pain and medical crap. And all I got back was love and concern and D saying when G gets here we will do a small trip around the island and just hang out for a lovely two days, stress free. And that made me cry.
And then I told G on the phone late that night and she was absolutely fine too, more concerned about me than herself and her Big Achievement and Grandma being there.
And I felt loved and valued. And behold, arose out of my slump today and was reborn again.
Safe and secure and looking ahead again rather than behind me, mourning legs and abilities and well behaved blood and driving forever and barreling around Toronto like I used to.
Deslumped, we might say.
Hooray for such an understanding daughter and granddaughter. From everything you've ever written about either of them, I'm not at all surprised that they responded in a loving and kind way. xoxox Kate
ReplyDeleteYes, they are very special Kate and I treasure them.
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Hooray for deslumping.
ReplyDeleteAnd for your courage in admitting it was getting too hard - which can't have been easy. And a third hooray for your daughter and grand-daughter.
Many hoorays indeed, EC.
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I'm glad you've deslumped. This all sounds far too familiar, on my bad days all I want to do is lock the doors and stay in bed away from the world. And I do my own overwhelming by volunteering to help someone with this, help someone else with that and end up with very little time at home to myself. I'd thought I was getting better at saying "no" :(
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to talk about it all, it helps a lot when someone else understands.
I am getting better at saying no, obviously. :D It's taken me years of practice tho.
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Thanks for sharing this story. Hooray for loving family members. I wish you and them a wonderful summer.
ReplyDeleteThank you Uglemor, it promises to be so much better now.
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Courage appears when you least expect it - what you feared didn't eventuate.
ReplyDeleteI bet those two days with D & G are going to be the best you've had for a while.
Yes, daughter has already booked a fabulous cabin off the beaten track.
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You've made me feel better. I am walking wounded with skin cancer removals today. My hand is bandaged and typing is doing my hand pain no good. I have a bandage on my head. Thursday I will see my doctor and tell him that my self monitoring of my blood pressure has indicated it way too high and out of control. Worst was 190/105. Regularly, 160 plus/95. Do what you feel able to and don't worry about what you can't do.
ReplyDeleteOh I hope things get better for your Andrew, it sounds like a lot of removals of these pesky cancer cells.
DeleteBP can be a nightmare. Mine has been for a while.
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You did the absolutely right thing and the way your family responded is simply magnificent. I send you best wishes that you get back to being normal soon. I like the word deslump!
ReplyDeleteI really don't know what normal is anymore Ramana, I think it may be just accepting where I am in life and embracing it.
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And I salute you for it.
DeleteJUST the medicine the doctor SHOULD have called for and your loved ones provided it. It should be nice to have a stress free "walk" around the island. So glad for you ! :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I am so light of spirit since, GP. It has made all the difference to my life.
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Yes, what's with the blood pressure meds? They seem to make us crazy, don't they? Regroup. Rethink. Redo. It will be alright to do things differently than you've done before. I had to talk my Ladies Who Lunch group down yesterday from a major outing that we would all LIKE to take but I don't think it would be wise for us to do. We are not the young, energetic chicks of yore. Or, at least I'm not.
ReplyDeleteYes, acceptance of our current conditions is key, DKZ, we are not as agile like you say even though the denial can tell us we can tackle anything. No, we can't. :D
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I imagine the relief from fessing up that the trip would not work for you contributed to your renewed sense of well-being. It's daunting to have to leave one's safe places and practices as we age. New things keep happening to me - belly issues, feet issues, stamina issues, sight issues, hearing issues - I know there will come a day when I will no longer wish to leave the safety of my little cottage, that someone else will have to do the driving, the visiting, or, worse yet, that I will have to leave here, surrender my independence. But, I keep reminding myself that when in the basement, look around for the wine.
ReplyDeleteSo true, live in the moment and do the best we can with the resources we have. And be no afraid to ask for help when and where.
DeleteAnd yes, I do count all the stuff I can do or that has not let me down - yet - like sight and sound and my sense of humour.
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Good that daughter and granddaughter were so understanding about your predicament and apprehension. Sorry to hear your medicines are such a problem. And yes, it's frustrating when you don't feel up to the things you handled so easily a few years back.
ReplyDeleteYes, I feel so lucky Nick, facing old age head on can be challenging and it all takes time getting used to limitations.
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I am glad you got out of your slump and feel so relieved. I understand how you feel. I don't travel anymore, either.
ReplyDeleteIs that through physical and mental challenges or just contentment with where you are, Gigi?
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understand your words, some family here Sunday and happy but sad as my little ones are now teenagers. everything is changing at a fast pace, keep moving and doing and writing.
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Yes for sure Ernestine, we move and do and write as best we can.
DeleteAnd just accept, and count the tiny wee surprises in our day like opening flowers or nesting birds.
Love you back!
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Deslumped: love it! That family members stepped up to the plate is priceless. I hope you can get the meds collection corralled.
ReplyDeleteMe too, corralling is difficult tho I have a great doctor who pulls me off the ones with bad reactions.
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Oh boy, meds are a bitch!! It is great when family comes through for you! Even with good health making a trip to TO is a helluva big deal, I'm sure your family realized that and their acknowledgement is great. They'd rather have you in the long term than put you in jeopardy for one momentous occasion.
ReplyDeleteAren't they Annie? Tho I must say you and your kayaking give me serious pause and a slight touch of envy. But we all have our different patterns heading into the last great Unknown.
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Aw, what a great outcome! It's good to feel loved and accepted and valued.
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