The legs were appalling, like concrete. I was flitting around (I use flitting in an optimistic way, I don't really flit anymore) and had a few errands to run and after the 3rd errand I kind of came to a screeching halt. I was the one screeching. In fear, truly. I just knew I couldn't carry on for a minute more. I drove, fearful, to my ocean. And took a pic. And cried and cried and cried. A total snorfling pity pot. A mess.
Luckily there was no one else around. It was a wet blanket of everything wrong. The madness (I think) of getting an animal when this seizure of immobility grabs hold of me, the sadness of missing my last dear departed Ansa, old age, my effing limitations, my pain, my this, that and tho other. And no improvement in sight.
Woe is me, woe is the world around me.
Now look at that ocean. Stop sniveling. It'll be here long after you're gone. Long after everyone's gone. We are stardust. Make the most of yourself. Accept Accept Accept
Life is not hopeless.
Work with what you can.
I came back into my building, leaning on the safety bars along the the halls and a friend saw me and hustled me into her apartment and told me to sit down, put my feet up and vent all I wanted and for as long as I wanted.
And I did.
That is a true friend to see what you needed and to allow you to put your feet up and vent.
ReplyDeleteHow fortuitous she was there in the hall and saw the condition I was in.
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Ah yes - accept. Grin and bear it in other words!
ReplyDeleteRight time- right place - your friend knew how to ease the burden. And not a word spoken there will pass her door.
True Dat, Cathy. Still feeling quite punk today. Lead legs.
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What a kind neighbour. It's something men do rather badly. I tell my mother, in exasperation at times as she goes on and on about her medical problems, for some things medical treatment and drugs can help but there is no pill for curing old age.
ReplyDeleteI'm so fussy as to who I share with Andrew as only those who share my age can relate. We all have stuff "wrong" with us or breakdowns of things we took for granted. I hope your mother can share with those who understand and are contemporaneous with her generation.
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Acceptance ... is a hard pill to swallow indeed. And neighbours in the right place and time are a blessing.
ReplyDeleteAcceptance is truly difficult when in full throttle whine mode.
DeleteI do believe it's better to vent but being careful as to who to vent to :)
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I know you've said what is wrong, but. My legs were like that when I was taking STATINS. I stopped taking them. My legs are still not good, but better. The drug didn't lower my cholesterol anyway, and here I am confounding them, nearly 80 rocking high cholesterol, but no heart disease.
ReplyDeleteNo don't do statins. I don't care for how they leech into the brain-blood barrier as studies have proven. Good for you though I wish you'd at least sign your first name or nickname as I am going to block anonymous comments due to abuse from a previous anonymous poster.
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Yes, I had memory and language loss while on them and for some time after. A huge warning about those drugs because they are given to almost everyone. Many stop taking them but not until they have done the damage including muscle pain, weakness and atrophy, kidney damage, memory loss with periods of amnesia, confusion, disorientation, vision damage. The legs were just what you described.
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It came, as it is wont to, and it passed, as it always does. You are a stout hearted person to let such emotions get the best of you for longer than a few minutes.
ReplyDeleteWell we all need to vent and I don't put time limits on my down times as that can be very dangerous.
DeleteStill quite sad today, just dealing with my own limitations.
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It's nice to have a good friend like her.
ReplyDeleteYes, she was so supportive and kind and I could see the worry on her face. I must have looked a fright.
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A good friend at the right time and right place.Your neighbor.
ReplyDeleteConcern...can you get a second opinion on your conditions and medicine scheduling, 15/17 medicine just for you blood pressure seems exceedingly high.
I don't want you to have to live this way if it isn't necessary, oh hell, I don't want you to have to go through all of this if the medicines are needed. I want you to feel better. I hate to think maybe medicines you are taking are making it worse.
I don't believe they are Gemma, I do have faith in my team. The PVD, BP and kidney deterioration are the big issues. And a delicate balance for pain in the legs, etc. BP was fairly normal this morning. My sugars are really under control and all in all I stagger on.
DeleteThank you for your concern and care.
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I agree about the number of BP pills, have you asked your doctor why so many? Is it possible some are supposed to be "instead of' not 'as well as'?
DeleteWhat a good friend, taking you into her apartment and encouraging you to vent and rage as much as you needed.
ReplyDeleteI know Nick, I haven't known her that long but we are in complete simpatico. So fortunate she was in the hall.
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What do you think was going on that made your legs suddenly leaden? I had that thighs-filled-with-cement thing for a couple months, but a clear cause (the chemo agent taxotere is known for the side effect). Will you see your doctor about it?
ReplyDeleteIt's my PVD, SAW, peripheral vascular disease directly related to my heavy smoking which I quit over 30 years ago. So many terrible effects of smoking that we never think will happen to us.
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My sincere sympathy - and empathy - WWW regarding your leaden leg feelings. My problem (pain when walking) is, thankfully, in just one leg but it's enough to make me feel very sorry for myself at times -I've been known to weep about it too (mostly when nobody is around). I'm happy to know that your good neighbour had just the right thoughts at just the right time.
ReplyDeleteSafety bars haven't appeared in our house as yet, but I've learned grasp anything I can to assist, & avoid putting weight on my diseased femur. I've a planned, hand assisted, route to the loo in the dark which comes in handy at pee time, during the night.
Accommodations to our physical challenges, it's all about that these days, right? I've come to a place of acceptance today. Yet again. Adapting. Into the what can I do rather than what I can't. A process. And anyone who gets there without looking back now and again and weeping for what was, is a liar. Or in a bubble. Or drugged senseless. LOL.
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A treasure, in the right place at the right time.Sometimes my back and legs hurt too much to move on, but never turn to lead. And may they never.I generally take care to go no further than I can return.
ReplyDeleteGood policy Joanne, mine take me unexpectedly into halt. Even when I'm having a "good" day. I think I overextend in my optimism. I need to plan less activity for the days. always.
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Snorfling! What a fabulous word, I love it!. I am sorry to hear you've been feeling bad though. I have one leg that sometimes feels like it weighs a ton, and aches because of the varicose veins, but half an aspirin fixes that fairly quickly. I've had a couple of 'woe is me' days, but they're minor compared to what you are feeling. I'm so glad you have a friend to sit with and vent to. I'm hoping you soon feel much better. Oceans are wonderful to go to when you are feeling as blue as that. Just watching those eternal waves can be soothing.
ReplyDeleteTotal soothing River and snorfling is what I do, I'm a pitiful snotty crier with terrible sounds. I miss my dog so much at these times as she would lick my tears away. She was so in tune with me. And would make me smile and laugh at myself.
ReplyDeleteBut my friend was unexpectedly in the hall and saw my condition. I am so grateful.
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I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. But happy your friend appeared at just the right moment. It's good to have friends who don't make you feel ashamed for wingeing about the awful side of aging. I have a dog walking friend in her 90s who has a gentleman friend who likes to walk her dog in the afternoons; if you do decide to get an ESA maybe you can arrange with someone to help out when you need it.
ReplyDeleteGood point about the ESA Annie, I might be able to share the responsibility. I'm still not 100% but we do carry on. With a little help from our friends.
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