My mother died young and my father was a long time widower. He thought it would be a dishonour to my mother to marry again and also that he had seen far too many families suffer under step-parents hauled in.
One of his greatest fears was to become "a nuisance." A nuisance in his mind encompassed a huge range of character defects. Such as neighbours who were always borrowing stuff, people dropping by uninvited, hypochondriacs diagnosed by him, drunks, cars who cut him off, asking for any kind of help if you were sick, children who threw balls over his fence, workers who needed to use his property to perform essential task for the neighbourhood (cable, telephone, electricity, water).
He had adjectives to add, of course. A right nuisance, and awful nuisance, a thoughtless nuisance, an unimaginable nuisance, et al.
Of course I inherited this feeling but only in some areas that I know of though some might differ.
And that is in being sick, in being needy, in being sad, in being in grief, in being worried. I just don't want to inflict myself and my state onto anyone else. I truly don't want to be a nuisance.
I think part of this is the fear of being incarcerated in some awful place with no privacy, sharing a room with an irritable noisy crank, being hauled into terrible games and sing-songs by attendants and being forced to be nice to everyone.
Recently, I've had a few bad days and felt like a total nuisance even to myself. I could barely move and just about everything was a challenge. I did not reach out but did respond to one who checks up on me all the time (she would be a nuisance in Dad's book).
She came over and took care of me even though she has her own health issues. And I was so grateful to her for attempting to feed and water me. I was also nauseous on top of everything else. A triple nuisance you might call me.
Most of all I am nervous about being a nuisance to my family. My health is unpredictable and varies wildly from wheelchair use to a modicum of walking. So I bottle up a lot.
The reason I am writing this is to see if there any others out there who feel as I do, bordering or being "a nuisance" because of health or other issues. Or even fearing of being a nuisance at some stage in their lives.
Or maybe it's a strictly Irish thing.
I have health issues, too, and lean on my husband and daughter whenever I need to. It truly helps to have them in my life. Gigi Hawaii
ReplyDeleteNOT strictly Irish. I fear being a nuisance or (possibly worse) a dead bore. So I bottle a lot of things up.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
Yes, I hear you. I think a blog is a great release for some insecurities and uncertainties. You could never be a bore dear EC.
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I am also terrified of being a burden to others. And all too often feel a burden to myself.
ReplyDeleteYes, a burden to others is my great fear, especially family. I've never had to take care of someone really sick, apart from daily hospital visits, etc. so I'm very unversed in what's involved.
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My mother at times apologises for being a nuisance but then she has been a nuisance for most of her life. But I don't see her as being a nuisance. It's more that she needs help in some areas, so that is what we do. We don't ask ourselves why and we don't see her as a burden. Mostly all we do is give of our time. We are her children. What else can we do? Accept whatever help you need with good grace and that is what will keep you out of one of 'those' places.
ReplyDeleteGood advice Andrew but accepting help is so very difficult for me, I am not a gracious type of person, though I try to be. I am very grateful of course and say that but as I'm saying it I think to myself, oh they're going to get fed up real soon now and find excuses.
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I'm Irish and you're right up my alley. I know I am or will be a nuisance. My family cannot care for me, so I struggle along, with my outward appearance of some competence. I hate being old and infirm. I wish I were as able as my daughter's mother-in-law, who is able to shop and take care of herself. But, she can't manage money; my daughter does that. And two grandchildren who live nearby check in on her and sleep over several days a week. So, soldier on, Joanne.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it would be just an Irish thing. Many older people who need help don't want to be a nuisance or a burden. I don't yet need help, but the time will come when I might suffer instead of asking for help because I don't want to put people to any trouble just for me.
ReplyDeleteMy sentiments exactly River. I hate when Daughter has to take a day off to tend to my clinic and hospital and doc visits. I am lost for words to express my gratitude. but I do know if it had been my mother I would have done the same. So there's that.
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I'm a nuisance to myself already, but not to others I trust, not yet. But we must remember, our loved ones will not regard it as a nuisance when and if we really and truly need their help. In the meantime, I try not to give them any advice, which I know is a nuisance!
ReplyDeleteYes, I hold off on the advice too Tom unless they ask and even then I will cite from my own experience.
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When we're planning our elder years, we all think we'll be the captains of our own ships, don't we, doing all we can to live as healthily as we can and setting up our environments so we can age there comfortably. But chronic illness or aging doesn't care if you never smoked or drank, exercised rigorously since 35, ate 100% plant-based foods, exercised your mind, too, and thought good thoughts. I dread the same things you do, except that I would add that I want to have a damn (vegan) brownie for dinner if that's what I'm craving.
ReplyDeleteI have been one of the caretakers for a couple of relatives, however. On this end of those experiences, I feel that it was an honor and something I wouldn't have wanted to miss doing. That comforts me somewhat. I still don't want to be a burden, and my husband and I are doing all we can to avoid that. We're in a one-story home where we can get deliveries of groceries and medications. We have a CART system in the area that will take us to doctors' visits and other outings when we can no longer drive. We're planning a renovation of the shower in our main bath so that there's no threshold and a wheelchair can roll in. Realistically, we know that won't be enough in the end, most probably. My husband, in particular, seems to be aging rapidly now and is having trouble walking although a year ago, he was riding his recumbent bike for hours each week. He's taller and heavier than I am, and my rheumatoid arthritis means I'll be unable to get him to his feet again if he falls. I've told my daughter that they are not to feel guilty if they must find a place for me or both of us to go, but I want to be "checked out" every now and then for a bath and not a shower and have those brownies made for me. Beyond that, I try not to worry about what is truly part of the human experience, mine in failing health and theirs in caring for an elder.
Thank you so much Linda for such a detailed comment. I imagine it might be easier if partnered. Alone I feel perhaps a little more vulnerable and more into my own head a lot. I do have support in my wonderful daughter for which I am so grateful. And also my niece who is also like another daughter to me. Lately I have been adversely affected by pain which can plummet us down a rabbit hole and skews the outlook. I am more positive this week and hope to talk to my doc tomorrow to review some worrying fresh issues.
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I'm currently trying to help my parents as their life hurtles away from independence.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to help and want them to be happy but it would be easier if there was more grace.
My mother's reluctance to accept help is harder to deal with than the help needed, if that makes sense.
None of us want to be a nuisance but I think you have given enough to accept some help coming back (if it helps to think of it that way)
Thankyou Kylie. I agree with you. I was honest with Daughter yesterday about my reluctance to burden and feeling so needy, etc. She wants me to be honest. So from now on I will be and not hide what's going on or the classic "maybe it will go away" as if that ever happened. Good luck with your parents and kudos to your for your assistance to them.
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Not an Irish thing alone, a Danish thing as well.
ReplyDeleteAnd I speak from experience whensaying that it isa far greater nuissance to try to guess who needs help with what, instead of simply being asked for help and being able to give it - and also, but not often, be able to say no.
Very true that Charlotte and thank you for being so forthcoming. I find that in a province with so many elderly, there is very little in the way of assistance for a pair of legs to do the needful periodically. It would help enormously.
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So far, I believe, I have not become a nuisance to my family. As you probably know, I live with my son and daughter in law, both of whom are very busy with their own careers and interests and so have little time to spare for me any way. Not that it matters as I have enough to occupy myself with. I however do fret sometimes that I may end up being a nuisance to them some day and hope and pray that before that happens I quietly slip away.
ReplyDeleteYes, I am like you in many ways Ramana as I have no trouble keeping myself amused. but pain, clinics, doc, hospital visits are a huge problem in that my mobility is poor. Thus I need help. I do hope to quietly sleep away too. I imagine it's a hope shared by many elders.
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I don't think it's an Irish thing at all, I think it's pretty universal. I have the same horror of becoming a nuisance and a burden to other people, and I hope it never comes to that. My mum had the same fear, so much so that she failed to contact me even when she needed urgent help.
ReplyDeleteI do remember that Nick, how she turned into herself. The great fear of being labelled a nuisance. My dad quietly took himself off to the hospital at the end and was never "the nuisance" he dreaded. I think as we age we lose value in our own capabilities and personhood and imagine that others feel the same way about us too. Which is very far from the truth as I found out yesterday.
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WWW, it's not just an Irish thing. My mother was very German and it was her biggest fear. I worry too as I have MS and notice the significant changes in me in the 7 years since my diagnosis. It's a nuisance; I'm currently trying to decide whether to brave flying for a trip. From the caregiver perspective, Linda P. nailed it. And it was easier with the parent who did as much as she could on her own but revelaed the need and allowed the help as needed than it's been with the parents who behaved as if they would never grow old and have been difficult every step of the way. No gratitude or grace, mostly expectations and entitlement. And ultimately, they required more care than the 5 children could or would provide, so the folks are now in a fine facility that gets every penney they earned. Life is hard, so is aging. But the helping others is a blessing and teaches us much in the personal and humane moments. Kim in PA
ReplyDeleteThank you Kim for your detailed comment. It has opened up many thoughts on here as we age and are health challenged and also have the care and concern for others. Grace is needed for sure. I am a very private person and have had to be graceful when those who care wash my dishes or question if I want laundry put away or garbage taken out. It's all the small things and trying not feel useless and invalided out of existence. I remember when I had to do such tasks for friends and feeling so grateful I could do them, even to washing a friend who was a cancer patient and cleaning up one who had a stroke.
DeleteDaughter too has MS but it appears to be in remission apart from numbness.
I remain teachable.
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Nuisance isn't the word I think of when it comes to accepting help from others. I know the kindest thing we can do for those who offer to help is to graciously accept so as not to make it more difficult for the helper. Accept what is offered. Tell them to be honest with you and to let you know if your needs become too much for them. I guess we trust they will do so.
DeleteI do accept some help from the neighbor who offered, more in the beginning of Covid, but was able to reduce it later so very little now. I, too, wonder at what point would my request become too much, despite the suggestion I just wrote you above. There are other things I need that I know I must get elsewhere somehow. All long-time local friends are long since gone so its a matter of receiving help from others less known to me once I figure that out. I have yet to try to arrange more help. Hiring help has had its limits since Covid and the virus variant BA 5 is getting worse here now as I continue trying to avoid exposure. My children live across the country from me and there are reasons for not disrupting their lives to come here for a period of time I would need. I'm very honest with my children as to my functioning level as they want but I stop short of asking them to come here. I, too, want to avoid having to live elsewhere in a facility. There are some actions I need to take I have not been physically able to and I keep getting farther behind. I've just had to put matters on hold and its getting harder to keep them there. Thriving in life is getting more complicated so I can empathize with your situation.
I don’t really feel like a nuisance, maybe more of a whiner, although people tell me it’s not whining. I do accept help when it’s offered, just don’t like having to ask for help. Always happy when I’m asked for help, makes me feel like I’m paying off some debt or other.
ReplyDeleteDon’t know why Google says I’m Anonymous, it’s Annie here.
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