I have one of those faces.
You probably guessed that anyway.
Without warning, people often pour out their deepest darkest secrets to me.
Seriously.
Even when they're not friends, merely strangers or acquaintances.
Like yesterday.
My canine companion Ansa, is just about engaged to another dog in the village called Bo-Diddly.
They absolutely adore each other. Bo loves Ansa with such a passion that often he flops down on his belly at her feet and just gazes at her with tears shining in his eyes. Really sweet.
Bo's human companion is Lily. Lily is married to Fred. Nice couple. Fred loves to dance at the village functions. I don't know them very well.
As Bo and Ansa play on the beach yesterday, Lily says to me, out of the blue:
“Home I go now, to 10-Second-Fred.”
I stifle a gasp. She can't be saying what I think she's saying.
“Cute nickname?' I offer, hesitantly.
“Oh I wouldn't say it to him,” she says, “It's more a private nickname. I've never told a soul!”.
Why now, dear Maude, and why me?
“Forty-one years of marriage to 10-Second-Fred,” she continues, sighing, “And do you know what he says before he starts?”
I raise my eyebrows, I call my dog, I gulp down a huge laughy hawk of a snort that rises in my throat.
“'Get ready for me, baby, the world's greatest lover!'”
I get down on my knees and offload my pent-up guffaws into Ansa's neck.
I'd like to suggest she tell Fred, in the nicest possible way, what she's just told me, or she buys him maybe the Kama Sutra or The Joy of Sex. But I can't. I'm afraid to open my mouth. So I nod, silently, straightfacedly, sympathetically.
And yes, I know it's sad. And awful. And lonesome.
But the next time I run into Fred, or dance with him, The World's Greatest Lover, what do you think I'll see?
You must have got used to ingeniously hiding your embarrassment, shock and hilarity by now! Amazing that Fred can have lived so long without realising that (a) 10 seconds is not going to satisfy any woman on the planet and (b) he's probably the world's worst lover not the greatest. Some men are blissfully unaware. But it's also surprising that Lily has never voiced any dissatisfaction.
ReplyDeleteLOL, good thing i don't have a face like this
ReplyDeleteI just spilt my coffee everywhere! I will have to stop laughing in order to clean up the mess!
ReplyDeleteI'd be careful about dancing with him, WWW. With that sympathetic face of yours, he might start spilling the beans on Mrs. Fred's shortcomings (pun not intended) and you'd not have Ansa nearby to hide your giggles. ;-)
ReplyDelete@Nick:
ReplyDeleteI think it gets to the point that it's too late and how on earth do you say, hey WGL - the last (Fill in number) years have been pathetic. And what makes even more awful is that Fred has suggested hormones for her lack of libido.....
@Twain:
I'm blessed and I'm cursed.
@GM:
I giggle every time too, it still catches me unaware. I feel so guilty for laughing though. But that doesn't stop me.
@T:
I won't be able to look at the man now not to mention dancing with him!
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Maybe the next time you meet ol 10-second, you could blithely mention that you've just read the Kama Sutra and it's such an insightful and engaging read you'd recommend it to just everyone! (But you'd have to do it with a straight face.)
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ReplyDeleteWith my kind of luck Pauline, he'd probably think I was coming on to him and then what'd I do?
ReplyDeleteXO
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10 second Fred...LOL!!
ReplyDeleteYou what?
ReplyDeleteThis can't be real. Why on earth is she still there after 40 years? And why on earth tell a stranger?
There's some weird people around.
I actually thought you hadn't posted for weeks; your blog on Fridge Soup isn't moving at all. I shall have to go check it.
Awfully sorry, I got it wrong; I mixed you up with someone on Fridge Soup. Sincere Apologies.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I was the kid on the playground in the corner listening to another child pour out her secrets, while the others played. I must have the same kind of face. She sensed something about you that made it safe to share her comment for the first time. Who knows? She might tell her husband that she wants more from him.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one who feels sorry for poor old Fred. For God's sake don't suggest Viagra.
ReplyDelete@GFB:
ReplyDeleteActually his real name is even funnier but I have to keep them anonymous!
@Friko:
Well, erm, welcome anyway!
@Sarahlah:
I think the fact that she aired it is a very good sign. Possibly the fact he wants her to take hormones pushed her.
@RJA:
He's a sweet man, as I said, I don't really know them all that well but to remain in the fog he's in? He's with a lot of men away on mining expeditions, surely they compare notes? No Fred is really happy, I'm sure, he probably thinks she likes it that way after all those years....
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Has nothing to do with whipping up an omelette for breakfast, huh? :-)
ReplyDeleteVP:
ReplyDeleteLOL, maybe that too, who sounds, he could have perfected the 10 second Speedo at everything he does!
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Make sure they don't find your blog.... :)
ReplyDeleteNevin:
ReplyDeleteThey're both luddites, not even a computer in the house, plus I've disguised their names.
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oh god that's funny and sad. and i know what you mean about people telling you things..... i know things i wish i could forget.
ReplyDeletehehe I wouldn't know where to look. There are lots of images from the Kama Sutra here in Nepal. Most of them are just plain funny though :-)
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, something must be going right for them to have lasted 41 years, and still have that sense of humour! :)
ReplyDeleteConor:
ReplyDeleteOh please ship them here. Stat.
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Knatolee:
ReplyDeleteNo I don't think it's that perfect, I suspect she's on anti-depressants and her focus tends to be her grandchildren and what the hell do you do after forty one years? she told me she always looks forward to his long job-stays in Greenland.
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