Friday, December 09, 2011

December 9th


The voices in my head are particularly loud today. Invited voices, I hasten to add. Voices of the past, a child's voice, her 9 year old body hanging upside down from a tree in the back yard at a heart stopping height. A fearless child. A child never without bandaged knees or split skin somewhere on her face. A child who would insist on wearing different coloured socks. "One matches the sweater, the other matches the pants", she would say to me, rolling her eyes, as if to ask what was wrong with me anyway. A child who wore baseball caps and a leather cowboy jacket until they just about decomposed on her body. A creative child who painted black snow and blue trees and red grass.

I write of her every year on this day, her birthday, my estranged daughter. There is a balm in the writing of it. I know I am not alone. Each time I write someone comes forward and says, yeah, me too. It helps.

I was lucky enough to find her on Twitter. So I follow her quietly, not every day as I did in the beginning but every week. Modern technology: I am so grateful for bringing me my precious child but also a couple of very old friends who were lost to me. Estranged Daughter is a film-maker in England: Avant Garde films. Indie films. And also a social activist much like her sister and me. She is also a creative knitter (!) and writer. This much I glean.

And leave her be.

Happy birthday, dearest daughter!

12 comments:

  1. I am so pleased that you found that link to your daughter. It sounds like she is happy and doing well. Modern technology opens many doors for us and makes our world seem so much smaller.

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  2. I'm glad you know what she's doing with her life so well. That goodness for the social media. I hope it's balsem to your soul. It must be very tough to have an estranged child. You're dealing with it well. XOX

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  3. "Mon bébé prend le train du matin"

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9YwyfX33LU

    Sheena Easton - My Baby Takes The Morning Train

    xo

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  4. It must be good to know that she's safe and well and apparently thriving and doing interesting things with her life, even if it hurts not to be in proper contact with her.

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  5. I hope one day you will be able to reconnect with your daughter. Maybe sooner than later.

    I reconnected with my son after several years of estrangement, and my brother also reconnected very recently with his estranged daughter. He's walking on eggshells right now, not sure what triggered the estrangement in the first place and afraid of it happening again, but happy endings do happen.

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  6. Not too long ago, the daughter who held me in contempt said to me, "Mom, you were right." So, it can happen. And if it doesn't, I do understand that loving a daughter enough to be happy from a distance for her success and happiness, can almost be enough to keep the pain from triumphing. My heart is with you.

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  7. Sounds like she takes after her mother!

    As I've told you before, WWW, Himself had a similarly estranged daughter. With maturity came enlightenment (maybe in the case of both parties, hard to say), and all is well now. Keep hanging in there!

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  8. Tis my birthday too on 9th. Yesterday I was the answer to the universe (aka 42!)

    Fingers crossed you will one day be reconciled even if you will always be very different people.

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  9. Not having any children, I can't imagine how that must feel, WWW. My heart is with you as well.

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  10. Sounds like she was a very "cool" kid!
    Hope she still is ...

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  11. Me too Wise. Too painful to mention although I just mentioned it didn't I? Thank god I have some good friends.
    Take care and have a good Christmas and a great New Year! I am going to Toronto for Jan Feb and March - going South even if it is only 2.5 hours south [too much snow here and I don't like driving in it]. I sure hope the city is nicer to me than it was to you!
    Betty

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  12. Thanks to you all for your comments. Comfort and hope can run a little low on the holidays when you are estranged. I lost a husband & son to suicide 20 yrs ago and six years ago out of the blue my daughter withdrew from our life w/our 3 grandkids for an unknown reason. You've reassured me that holding them in my heart with love while letting them go is the right thing. And Wise you've given me a beautiful example of how to do that. Healing to you all.

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