Friday, June 21, 2013

And then we die.




I think: why are we all so afraid of letting people in? Telling the truth? Risking our feelings, our fears? Sticking it all out there? Helping each other understand. And care. For that is true intimacy.

Most people are shut down, terrified of someone getting in there. Afraid to express joy or sadness. Fear of what exactly?

I had a long conversation with someone tonight. We are not afraid to express our troubles, our thoughts, our fears to each other. And we did. We talked about the fear of making decisions. The terror we feel when loved ones suffer in self-imposed isolation. The fear of letting go. Looking into the void. Contemplating the unknown. We had each let go of businesses recently and find other issues surrounding those decisions grabbing us by the throat. How to stand firm. In his case, how to say no to the new owners leaning on him and being disrespectful. In my case a few issues around the financial impact of my particular revenue stream vanishing. Fear of the unknown again. Because there's no impact yet. So what use is my worrying and anticipating?

It's good to air the inner laundry, to hang it all out and begin to laugh even. An old adage I heard once was if you walk into a room of trusted friends and everyone agrees to share and exchange their troubles, at the end of the evening you gladly pick up your own again and walk out of the room feeling grateful.

What triggered this odd wee post? I have a strong desire to heal relationships that have gone sideways. No idea why they've gone that way. All I know is that most people don't reveal their inners: their hurts and disappointments or feelings of rejection, their love.

I had the oddest dream last night. Where I was sitting in my childhood home around the dining room table in the gloaming with the family and I lit many candles to 'light the darkness' as I explained to my father. Very calmly, he told me to leave the room, that I was banished from the table. I sat down at the piano in the front room and played some Mozart and felt overwhelmingly happy. And then I woke up.

And I found the dream rather profound on many, many levels.

A sense of urgency is good. A sense of our time here being so finite. And unfinished business is baggage I don't need.

Make some heavy decisions, I sez to myself. Risk, I sez. Action plan, I sez. Now, I sez.

And myself listened.




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21 Comments:

Blogger Molly said...

I so agree! We only go around once in life. Everyone of us is on a journey, so why not be friendly, smile when you meet someone on the street, acknowledge their humanity---instead of everyone blundering along, head down, lest eye and real communication be demanded.
There's so much we could learn from dogs......

Fri Jun 21, 12:59:00 AM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Molly said...

....eye contact!

Fri Jun 21, 01:00:00 AM GMT-2:30  
Anonymous Enna said...

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Its going to take courage and the fear of being rejected again will be terrifying.

Fri Jun 21, 06:32:00 AM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Irene said...

I'm at the moment standing at a crossroad too about who to add and keep in my life and who to let go. I know I will make the right decision and that this is the time to do it.

Fri Jun 21, 08:35:00 AM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Sonia said...

I am so glad I just found your blog. So little support in my experience for living authentically period, let alone over 60.
I am at major transition also. No longer want to disguise who I really am but am still trying to reveal those parts that are hiding to myself at least.
I remember a Buddhist nun telling me - we have these olders years, we may as well enjoy them

Fri Jun 21, 10:23:00 AM GMT-2:30  
Anonymous Grannymar said...

Good for you, WWW May the decision you make today open interesting doors!

Fri Jun 21, 02:59:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Anonymous Rummuser said...

I do dream but can never remember them when I wake up. Perhaps an inbuilt mechanism that I am blessed with or something more psychologically profound.

I am fortunate to have some friends and family members to whom I can openly discuss my thoughts and fears and to that extent, they get minimised and again fortunately none of the relationships that matter to me have been derailed.

I am grateful.

Sat Jun 22, 11:14:00 AM GMT-2:30  
Anonymous nick said...

Very true that many people are afraid of opening up to others. My natural impulse is to tell everything to everybody, though I do have to restrain myself because I know some people would simply be unreceptive, unsympathetic and uncomprehending. But the slightest hint of genuine interest and I'll spill all sorts of inner secrets.

Sun Jun 23, 06:30:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Secret Agent Woman said...

Good for you, I hope the effort itself is healing.

Sun Jun 23, 10:48:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Wisewebwoman said...

Molly:

Dogs and children are some of our greatest teachers indeed!

XO
WWW

Mon Jun 24, 01:35:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Wisewebwoman said...

Friko:

Rejected.

Yet again.

Chin up.

XO
WWW

Mon Jun 24, 01:35:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Wisewebwoman said...

Irene:

I hope you made the right decisions, my friend. Not easy.

XO
WWW

Mon Jun 24, 01:36:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Wisewebwoman said...

Sonia:
Authenticity is the word of the year for me. And to myself most of all.
XO
WWW
PS Welcome to my world!

Mon Jun 24, 01:37:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Wisewebwoman said...

GM:

Right now they feel closed and double bolted.

XO
WWW

Mon Jun 24, 01:38:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Wisewebwoman said...

Ramana:

You are very blessed indeed. I'd have a few that are derailed and would give anything to have them healed.

XO
WWW

Mon Jun 24, 01:39:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Wisewebwoman said...

Nick:

I am careful who I share with as I've been betrayed a few times. I guess I suss out the waters before I spill my guts.

Having said that, I often say my life is an open book and it is.

XO
WWW

Mon Jun 24, 01:40:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Wisewebwoman said...

SAW:

The effort has been healing in maybe I need to batten down my hatches and move on.

They have.

XO
WWW

Mon Jun 24, 01:41:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Wisewebwoman said...

Enna:

I'm so sorry I called you Friko in my comment back :(

XO
WWW

Mon Jun 24, 01:41:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Pauline said...

It's often hard to reveal ones "inners," especially if after one has done so, rejection or judgement takes place. The trick is to be detached to the outcome of your revelations, if the reason you're revealing is to further your own growth. Take a step back, smile, and walk on.

Mon Jun 24, 10:22:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Blogger Pauline said...

And gosh, I wish we could just sit down and talk face to face. I so like the way you think.

Mon Jun 24, 10:30:00 PM GMT-2:30  
Anonymous Enna said...

Sorry to hear that. Their loss I'm afraid.
No problems about mis-naming me! xx

Tue Jun 25, 08:31:00 PM GMT-2:30  

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