Sunday, June 09, 2013
On Being Alone
I had an unhealthy section of my day yesterday diverted by my aloneness. My solitaryism. It does strike me now and again how very alone I truly am. Don't get me wrong. 95% of the time I truly enjoy it. But the odd time it hits me in a wave of what, fear? fear of insanity? remorse over relationships gone south? Misplaced old friends who knew me well and can comfort like no one else can? This has nothing and everything to do with coupledoms. Many I see and hear out there do not raise a single thread of envy in me. Most of them are puerile. Many are all about negotiating, I'll do this then you'll do that. The odd one throws itself up as supportive, nurturing and comforting.
This was all started (I'm sooo overanalytical by nature) by an invitation to a lobster dinner and dance last night. I've gone to my fair share of these. And I truly don't play well with others in such an atmosphere. For one, I am surrounded by coupledoms. Those tiny fiefdoms of, well, smugness. Individually, these people are wonderful. Throw them into a party atmosphere and exclusionary fences are built. It's a challenge to sit by oneself while the rest of the room cavorts on the dance floor to the band on stage. Solo, abandoned, one can check one's nails, root in the change purse, play with a scarf or sulk in the bathroom for an unseemly length of time and lie about stomach trouble when a search party is sent (Oh goody, my absence was noted.)
Then again, one can march to and fro from the bar for more ice in one's water. How much ice can one possibly crunch in a crunch so to speak? Lots. And how is it when one is on the dance floor life passes in a hurricane but by oneself, sitting it all out, life has the consistency of molasses?
And then, the great escape. Slinking out when no one is watching as they're all on the dance floor. Saying goodbye makes a scene, a horrible one. Where one is forced to lie about aforesaid healthy stomach, or a cold coming on, or exhaustion. And the phone calls after the skulk the following day are a little heart wrenching: The what happened? The we're not good enough for you? The we were all worried about you! The why didn't you say goodbye?
Hoisted by coupledom petards. The only win is not to go.
And I didn't.
And today is fresh and beautiful even though grey and mauzy. But that lonely feeling is behind me now.