Thursday, November 20, 2014
I received one of those letters yesterday. So far I only shared the contents with a friend over dinner. A friend going through her own troubles. Who couldn't offer me anything as she is riddled with SD herself.
I spent a week in September putting all the paperwork together for a grant application, excerpts, letters of reference, past successes. Wads of paper. These Grant Givers don't believe in the interwebz. I was fairly confident I'd get it. It wasn't very much, enough to tide me through final novel completion, editing, first readership feedback, etc.
I didn't expect to be demolished IF they turned me down. Note the big IF. I didn't believe that big IF for a second.
But they did. By letter (quaint, right?). Yesterday. Blah. Blah. I know the drill of these letters.
And yesterday and today I lose the faith and tell myself you are one shitty writer living in fecking fantasy land.
I am way too old to be a starving artist living in a garret reusing my teabag 99 times and fighting the dog for bits of kibble once a day.