Sunday, May 20, 2018

Miasma


Gosh people, it is time to face my reality. Some things I don't write about. Some things I don't share.

And why not?

Because of labeling. Because of fear. Because of the old admonition "be careful who you share with."

But change I must. For today in meditation?

It struck me that I am always sad. Have been for a long time now. Maybe 18 months or longer with a brief respite for about six months. Until Ansa died. I observe life at a distance and often through a veil of tears. Pardon the pun but I'm actually in a vale of tears while behind this veil. Constantly it seems.

Overly dramatic? You're not living where I am.

I can pretend for a while, an hour or so. I can even laugh or plumb my innate Irish wit to make others laugh. But then.

I'm stopped, sliding around in one deep muddy spot, avoiding the swamp that will suck me down.

So the meditation?

I wrote first to my friend Ross who is dying, doing the "next right thing" which is my philosophy of life in a nutshell.

I wrote to my friend Pad who has kicked cancer twice and is a mutual friend of Ross's.

And then finally, I reached out for help myself and wrote to Dr. Patrick my grief counselor who was so helpful in the past, two years ago now and for about 6 months of sessions. I need a current assessment of my mental and emotional and spiritual condition.

For I can't go on like this.


22 comments:

  1. I do not think you overdramatic. You are being honest. Good for you for reaching out to friends and counselor. I wish I wasn't so far away...You are practicing self-compassion here which is a good thing. Being sad can feel overwhelming. You are not alone. Keep writing and talking when you want.

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    1. Thank you E. I am impatient with myself, self admonishment not helping me at all. An abusive inner dialogue which I need to talk about with the good doctor.

      I know you have been in a similar place with loss.

      So my best to you too.

      XO
      WWW

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  2. Aww - thats sad Wise! I understand and suggest you see your grief counsellor on a regular basis. I see a psychiatrist once a month and it is so helpful. If I bring shit in with me he has silently given me permission to drop it and leave it at his feet. No guilt or repercussions as with a friend - he has chosen to be a shit listener/sorter outer etc! He feels like a good, honest friend. I have been seeing him for a very long time and he has proven to be a good honest friend.
    The pain of Ansa WILL go away - more than 2 1/2 years after Josie died I woke up one morning and realized I hadn't missed her for over a week. I still love her but I no longer miss her. What a relief! You are young - could you get another dog? They are antidepressants.
    Life is damn hard as well as damn beautiful. I believe you will come through the knothole you are in at the moment. Possibly you are suffering from the Creatives Disease not to mention Long Weekend Loneliness. Be good to you!❤️

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    1. I'm rarely lonely BB, this has been festering for quite a while and has recently worsened. A dog is not in my future as my building prohibits pets and because of my health I can't get involved in animal shelters much as I'd like to.

      This is not depression. I know depression. This is loss.

      XO
      WWW

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    2. Sorry if I was on the wrong track Wise. Just to be clear I am not depressed either although I suffered from several depressions many years ago. My upbringing was harsh and hard. I bear scars. Many years ago an older Scottish friend told me old age "is when the pieces of the puzzle fall into place Betty". How right you were my dear long gone [but not!] Agnes! In my case putting the pieces in place is both sad and a painful learning experience. I am glad and very fortunate to have a wonderful, patient, understanding but somewhat removed person to help me with it. I hope you find the same relief - if that is what you are looking for.

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    1. Thanks Kate m'dear. I'm hoping he can see me soon.

      XO
      WWW

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  4. I often feel sad, and it seems like a natural reaction to a world of such violence and suffering and corruption, but sadness shouldn't overwhelm the little pleasures of life. I hope Dr Patrick can help.

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    1. I know he will, thanks Nick. This is outside of the world stuff, it is more intimate than that, i.e. can't see a dog without bursting into tears, can't see a photo of my BFF's grandchildren without tears, etc. etc. Or even hearing a sad story from a friend yesterday, she wasn't crying but I was.

      I feel ridiculous.

      XO
      WWW

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    2. i'm sorry you feel ridiculous and wish I could wave a magic wand and dispel it. You have every right, though, to your feelings, and none of us can judge what you are going through. I wish you the best in your struggle and search for help.

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    3. Thanks DKZ. I do see beauty in everything, I never could when in depression so I know this is just sadness, a profound loss.

      Thank you for your lovely thoughts.

      XO
      WWW

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  5. I hope Dr P can help you. I just read a quote that said that grief is a reminder of the depth of our love, without love there is no grief. You are right to distinguish sadness from depression.

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    1. Thanks Annie, my big question for him will be: is this normal? For you know it may be as we reach these years of old age and immeasurable losses.

      XO
      WWW

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  6. I love Annie's comment as it seems so true to me. I have often said that it's not the aches and pains of growing old that I fear - it's loss - trying to live in the moment helps but it's that future without those you have loved that throws it all into a tailspin. I too hope some visits with your doctor help.

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    1. I'm hoping so too Mary, he was so helpful and empathetic before.

      XO
      WWW

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  7. I went through a period of clinical depression about a year and a half ago and did not blog about it. In fact, during that period I restricted my blogging to the weekly Friday posts only and that too was a major chore that I disliked. After about four weeks of seeing me like this and despite family members advice to see professional help being rejected by me out of exactly your reason - labelling, my son and a dear friend took matters into their hand and got a psychiatrist to visit me at home. He cured me of my problem in no time and today is a good friend too. I talk about it openly now and as you can see, can write about it without shame or reservation. I think that you are on the right track. Your counsellor should be of help.

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    1. Thank you Ramana for your support and sharing of your depression. I've been there too. And suffered greatly. The dark night of the soul. The Black Dog.

      Talking this thing through with my grief counsellor will be enormously helpful. Of that I am confident.

      XO
      WWW

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  8. Knowing , speaking of it and getting help . You are on your way.
    Hugs I wish you a bright future. Soon.

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  9. Thank you GP, I am actually looking forward to the process.

    XO
    WWW

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  10. Sending big warm hugs, WWW. I don't know depression, but I certainly know grief -long lasting grief too - and that it can hit you, when least expected - years and years later. I understand what you're going through. I do hope your therapist will help some. ((((((((( ))))))).

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  11. Thanks T. Still haven't heard back from Dr. P. but he may be up to his neck, who knows. Meanwhile I march - sometimes a stagger - on......

    XO
    WWW

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  12. Thank you for this honest revelation: reality is hard at times, very hard. I read your blog description with respect. You know your strength and I hope you will stay drunk on writing so reality does not destroy you.

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