Sunday, May 20, 2018
Gosh people, it is time to face my reality. Some things I don't write about. Some things I don't share.
And why not?
Because of labeling. Because of fear. Because of the old admonition "be careful who you share with."
But change I must. For today in meditation?
It struck me that I am always sad. Have been for a long time now. Maybe 18 months or longer with a brief respite for about six months. Until Ansa died. I observe life at a distance and often through a veil of tears. Pardon the pun but I'm actually in a vale of tears while behind this veil. Constantly it seems.
Overly dramatic? You're not living where I am.
I can pretend for a while, an hour or so. I can even laugh or plumb my innate Irish wit to make others laugh. But then.
I'm stopped, sliding around in one deep muddy spot, avoiding the swamp that will suck me down.
So the meditation?
I wrote first to my friend Ross who is dying, doing the "next right thing" which is my philosophy of life in a nutshell.
I wrote to my friend Pad who has kicked cancer twice and is a mutual friend of Ross's.
And then finally, I reached out for help myself and wrote to Dr. Patrick my grief counselor who was so helpful in the past, two years ago now and for about 6 months of sessions. I need a current assessment of my mental and emotional and spiritual condition.
For I can't go on like this.