Wednesday, January 29, 2020

The Wilderness of Old Age


Good days - rare
Bad days - many
Isolation - sometimes deliberate
Body a temple to pain much of the time
Serious consideration of sedation/tranquilization to ensure a hazy nirvana within.
Avoiding questions like "how are you?" feeling no one wants to know the truth.
Feeling a bore in the doctor's office, reading the list of all that ails me off my phone.
Feeling inadequate and whiny when other elders seem to surmount all that challenges them and put on the cheery face and the lipper/shave meticulously and go out and greet the world sprinkling stardust in spite of/because of. I wish they would package that up and sell it to me.
Feeling death stalking some days and being brave. Alone but biofeedbacking myself.
Crying easily.
Living in the past at times, not consciously, but uneasily when aware of it.
Having difficulty planning something to look forward to (my father's way of negotiating old age) as my good days/bad days are so unpredictable.
Thinking of my granny turning her face to the wall and thinking "now I get it."
It is a very confusing time for many of us. There is no pattern but reaction. I can mantra my brains out but I'm still left in the wilderness.

On the upside:

I do make my bed every day.

I dress some days, others are pajama days - my favourite. When I dress I venture more outside my perfect little nest and I know that's good for me.

I read every day.

I knit every day.

I try and write every day (herewith)

I immerse myself at night in series like "Doc Martin" which helps.

I am really careful who I share with as being left hanging, blowing in a cold wind with no response, makes me feel worse. And that happens more than one would think.

I am very, very aware that others I care about, including some bloggers, are in far worse shape than I am. If we compare our health deficiencies. We can't really though.

Our ill-health bubbles are ours alone, and sometimes there is no map or compass to find the way out.









45 comments:

  1. It is so true that ill health places you inside a bubble. And from inside that bubble you do not even really notice time pass and things happen for the rest of the world. And when the bubble finally bursts, and you begin to notice your surroundings again, you sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the goings on while you were inside the bubble.
    I most heartily wish for you that your bubble may soon burst or that the walls will a least be more transparent, thinner or how to express it. Be assured of well-wishes and prayers all the way from Denmark.

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    1. Thank you so much Charlotte I find your words extraordinarily comforting.

      XO
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  2. Powerful, relatable truths. Thank you. And, while I am usually a fan of bubbles, the ill-health bubble is one I would gladly see broken.
    Hugs.

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    1. Yes, it is so very isolating as I dread sharing I am not well with those who are young and bouncy. I guess the fear of bringing others down.

      XO
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  3. Wishing I could send you more than positive thoughts. But is there anything I could send you as a treat?

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    1. What a lovely kind thought Jackie, just knowing you're out there with your joyful photos is a huge gift in my day.

      XO
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  4. No real words of comfort, but just make sure you keep making your bed each morning.

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  5. I, as well as others, are here for you, however, that is to be. Nothing better than being a true listener to someone else. That has been my wish to be a good and better listener. So continue on telling us what is going on and I will continue to listen. I don't have to fix you I just have to be here to share some of this with you.

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    1. Thank you for listening and being so understanding Judi.

      XO
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  6. I wonder how many others in your building feel the same way but don't say a word?
    Perhaps the stardust sprinklers could give you a tip or two - maybe their stardust is a smoke screen for their real feelings

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    1. Oh absolutely Cathy. I only have to crack that door at times and out it pours and there is some comfort in shared misery in that we are content to take our own baggage away and not exchange it.

      XO
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  7. Sending love and hugs to you. I have so admired your writings for a long time and still do. I am certain that spring and sunshine will help. Getting thru the winter with a book, knitting and Doc Martin is ok.

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    1. Thank you Mary, there is a storm raging outside today and I feel such comfort being safe inside. And I do have my amusement tools.

      XO
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  8. I make my bed every morning, too. My mother guilted me into bed making. I do it now to let her know how much guilt she wasted.
    I also realized today that we type nothing with the left thumb! Of all my arthritic digits, it is the tear drawing one. Tonight I waited for it to hurt as much as, say, handling silverware.
    Just don't wiggle it to see.
    With love from Joanne xxoo

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    1. Thank you Joanne, I know you have your struggles too and it is good share our failing bits and pieces. Maybe all together we would have a fully functioning body with all our good parts mixed up.

      XO
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  9. I love Doc Martin :)
    Don't read your list of ills from your phone, print it out and just hand it to him and sit there while he reads it.
    I make my bed every morning Lola isn't sleeping on it. I hate leaving it unmade, but I'd rather leave her asleep than not.
    I know well the good days/bad days routine, thankfully my good days still far outnumber the bad.

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    1. I am so happy to hear that River, I grab those good ones and french kiss them to the ground, let me tell you.
      XO
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  10. We love Doc Martin. Plus when watching it I always think about Mom because I think she would have loved it, too.
    I wish you weren't having so many shitty days. I don't have enough of that kind of experience to understand. You do seem to be doing all the things I think I'd do to keep myself on an even keel during hard times. xoxoxox Kate

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    1. Thanks Kate I always remember your talking about doing dishes as a meditation and it so helps me, sometimes accompanied by a jazz piano playlist. My mum would have adored Doc Marten too. Just when you hate him he makes you cry again.
      XO
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  11. Sorry to read all that. It sounds rather grim. I guess all you can do is soldier on and try to minimise the medical issues as best you can. I'm still pretty fit and healthy but I do worry about my memory, which has always been dreadful. I'm afraid one day it'll fade away completely and I'll be one of those confused old codgers wondering how to make a cup of tea.

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    1. Well you've cracked the 70 mark Nick and are doing quite well with the writing and reading. I think some of us find our old habits worsening. Like for the past few years I have a terrible time remembering faces. Before I would attach names and never forget no matter how long the time. Now I can't be bothered it seems. But it does bother me as I stand there smiling stupidly as they prance around me using my name and I am completely clueless as to when where and how.

      XO
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    1. Thank you Ramana. I know our little routines can save us at times. Mine do too, my lexulous, my writing, my reading and my knitting and Doc Marten.

      XO
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  13. Doc Martin is a soother for sure. Can't tell you how many times I've watched reruns. My heart goes out to you. Have a few things going on at the moment of concern health-wise but I thought the following might elicit a laugh. It brought me back to earth. For the second time in a few weeks while driving when I looked at the banks of snow, they were pink. Am I going blind? Are my eyes bleeding? What the heck? Last time I researched online using eye changes as my subject. Found nothing. Yesterday, I looked up "pink snow." So glad I did. Earliest accounts go back to the writings of Aristotle and it also can be found in the Farmers Almanac. Basically, it's an algae...also called "watermelon snow" due to it smelling slightly like watermelon. There you go. I was seriously in a down slump and I don't do a damn thing when I am so I commend you on being as active as you are. I once more thanked God for my p.c. so I can do my research. All I can say is I may be "across the pond," but I'm w/ you in spirit. You have many readers who think highly of you and are supportive. Hugs again.

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    1. Oh Regina, thank you so much, pink snow, I will look for it. And maybe other colours too. We are taking a battering of another storm today. But my indoor flowers are still with me.

      XO
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  14. OOPS - ACROSS THE POND? Not where you are. Forgive me.

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    1. Where do you live Regina? No info on your blog.

      XO
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  15. The good days, the bad days. They come and they go.

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    1. Yes and we so look forward to the "go and begone" ones.

      XO
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  16. Oh WWW!! You have me weeping so's I can barely see the keyboard. I so wish I could reach out and cry on your shoulder, and you on mine.

    I started, some two years ago on my medical adventures, after cancer diagnosis, with a positive attitude, and a determination to face my fears. I managed that for a while, but lately I'm losing it a bit - all that determination.
    I try to keep up for Himself's sake because he has heart troubles and I dare not overly upset him.

    I sleep on a recliner in the living room, so I simply have to "make my bed" every day. I do take time to do my hair - rollers and back combing (old fashioned but that's what I am!) I always like to feel ready for any eventuality - such as rushing to the emergency room - not that they would care about hair dos!

    There isn't a happy answer to any of it, is there WWW? - other than enjoying what we can, when we can, and knowing that we are simply following the set human pattern. It'll come to everyone in time, and to some far earlier than it has done to me (and to you). I try never to forget that I've enjoyed many years of happy retirement that many never even get to see, after decades of hard graft. So...on we must go, fighting the good fight with whatever might we can manage to dredge up.

    Hugs and love WWW!

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    1. Thank you so much T. I was also thinking of you when I wrote it and the many great bloggers who have gone on to the great beyond as well.Being brave little soldiers doesn't cover the situation at all on many days.

      Like life, it is up and down and sometimes down again and I believe when we write about it we do our readers a great service and possibly an uplift too to know they are not alone either when those dreadful times strike.

      There are no happy answers but sometimes there is a glimmer of light and hope and acceptance and the odd spice of gratitude.

      We are so much luckier than some and have had a great crack at life. So very many of my dearest friends are dead and I feel them close to me through these trials.

      Big love to you T.

      XO
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  17. Sit by me ,so that I know the depths of hurt and pain.
    Can stroke your head and sooth with touch. Can hum a tune to calm your fears. Read you a line to convey understanding.
    Take you in my arms to soothe the worry.
    A wonderful memory we will make.

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    1. Oh Gemma, that is so beautiful, so comforting, so assuring. Thank you.

      XO
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  18. Just touching base again late this afternoon to let you know am thinking of you and hoping you'll get through this difficult period sooner rather than later. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you Regina, I am getting through it. More later.

      XO
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  19. The loneliness of health issues can be overwhelming and some days I am consumed with fear, just adding to the mix 🤨
    For what little it's worth, I wish you well

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    1. It's worth a lot Kylie. Yes, it is a very lonely world. My tears frighten me sometimes. My grief seems bottomless.

      XO
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  20. When I was first starting out as a student therapist, a wise young patient said to me, "Who can measure another's pain?" There's no sense comparing because you feel what you feel. I'm hoping for more of the good days ahead for you.

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  21. I came here because I have felt strangely elated for whole hours at a time on some days and I thought www will know how that feels. I am so sorry to read that you have dismal hours, but then your second paragraph cheered me up and confirmed that your outlook is not nearly as bleak as the first one made out.

    You may know that I hate being reduced to counting my blessings but, equally, I will not sit here and count my miseries. I have plenty of them too, of course, and they cause me to sit and read for days on end, just to drown them out. As for how are you’s: if anyone is stupid enough to ask in a ‘kindly and concerned way’ I soon send them on their way, by telling them exactly how I am.

    Courage, old girl, it’ll all end in tears anyway. So sod it and them.

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    1. Oh Friko, thank you for the words, not counting the miseries, I really like that but sometimes it all seems so wretched and dismal and it's so hard to find them, but find them I did and I will write about them today.

      XO
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  22. I am also thinking of you and have been reading your blogs for a short time. I hope you get some better days among the not so good ones. It is good that we can use blogs to write our true feelings as sometimes friends/family in our lives don't really understand or want to hear our thoughts. Sometimes we look healthy but don't always feel it and I have given up saying anything about my health, I have several auto immune diseases, as my friends/family all tell me I look so well, so now I just say that I'm ok, as I don't want sympathy just understanding. I hope you continue to say how you feel on your blog and I hope it helps you and you know that others understand your feelings. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Feel free to share anytime here Rosie. I am so lucky that so many kindred spirits cone here to commiserate, understand and share. It's what blogging is all about in old age. Honesty and compassion.

      XO
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