It's Day 5
A gradual sliding down the scale of energy to multiple unending naps and barest participation in a life much restricted.
Grandgirl and partner are out of quarantine and I am unable to participate in the celebration. Two (yeah two) interviews with CBC on two different topics had to be cancelled. As my computer also crashed and I need the large screen I've had to cancel tax clients too. And my podiatry. And other stuff. Life cancelled. There's a title.
Life is brutal sometimes. I tried to get hold of my doctor today but being Monday lines are constantly busy.
My big tests are on Tuesday 25th coming.
I'm not worth much, I don't wish to see anyone. I finally consented to Grandgirl dropping by and then agreed to Daughter. They cheered me up a bit. They've booked a weekend away for all of us next weekend. Fingers crossed. It will probably mean just changing beds for me. *Hollow Laughter*
Mentally I'm a bit of a mess. Crying at the drop of a hat. Finding passive distractions when I'm awake. Knowing that I've been fighting depression for a while. Understandably.
Should we/I write about such challenges and downward spirals?
I made a long journal entry yesterday but haven't read it.
I note many bloggers don't write when they are suspended in illness and pain and mental disruption. And then they fade away. And I wonder.
I'm going to continue writing as much as I am able, I've decided.
I am grateful for the small things. A couple of texts from friends who care. My daughter and granddaughter who respect my boundaries (I have difficulty asking anyone for help but they have found a balance that seems to respect that and not be intrusive or demanding). And I truly hate being "seen" when so low.
Any words of support would be lovely and feel free to talk about your own challenges and concerns about personal health, aging, and well being.
And the last time I was "out" in my neighborhood I took this pic of the rowers out practicing for the coming regatta. You might have to embiggen.
I am so very sorry to hear that you are struggling. Again. And love that there is beauty around you and that your daughter and your grandgirl have found a way to help - while respecting your boundaries.
ReplyDeleteI am struggling too. And beating myself up because 'normal' people breeze through the things I struggle with. And yes, I am considering a step away from the blog. My difficulties bore me, and I assume (rightly or wrongly) that other people don't want to hear about them.
Hugs.
Dear EC you are never boring. And I find that reading the very few (unfortunately) blogs who deal with the challenges of illness, old age, addiction et all raise me up and comfort me in the fact I am not alone in suffering and it's good to throw it out there.
DeleteHealing thoughts fly your way.
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"and partner." What's that mean? It seems that for-real marriage (i.e., one guy and one gal) is being melded into a stew of ... ugh, whatever goes.
ReplyDeletePartner is the word you focus on Sue? Many don't believe in the patriarchal institution of marriage.
DeleteAnd what's that "ugh" about?
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Thank you for continuing to write. Too many bloggers just shut off in the middle of a sentence almost. I won't say that I like to hear about your misery, but it is part of our story, part of life and part of what's in store for all of us. I sure hope your tests bring some results leading to a cure, and I think that those test should have been taken yesterday! Keep hanging on there, and please keep on blogging! I too struggle, but am unable to write about it ... Keeping you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Charlotte. It's difficult to share the downsides and I hear that from many. And so very many refuse/are unable to write of the challenging times.
DeleteSo here I am bare naked.
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I would find watching the rowers therapeutic. Watching fit young people being active, laughing and joking may make me envious but I still find pleasure in it. You are going through rough times but don't ever lose hope for better things.
ReplyDeleteIt was lovely Andrew, and the dogs on the trail and the young runners, uplifting and great memories for me.
DeleteThank you for your lovely wishes.
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I hope to keep reading you, forever. I want to keep writing, forever, though I am more and more circumscribed and must keep thinking my way out of physical limitations. Anemia sucks.
ReplyDeleteThank you Joanne, you are always a good read and one I look forward to just learning how you overcame quite a few obstacles.
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Challenges to my health are few and far between, so there's nothing there for me to chat about. I'll worry about you instead. How do you come to be so anaemic? Do you eat eggs and/or red meat or take iron supplements? Do you still have that same leaking blood issue you mentioned a while back? Surely that should be searched for and fixed! No one should be left bleeding internally for any length of time, no matter how small the bleed.
ReplyDeleteIt's taken a while Charlotte to put me through the tests required due to covid and my lack of mobility. But they are happening next Tuesday. There is a bleed somewhere and they will find it.
DeleteBut feeling this terrible takes an awful toll on me.
The brave little soldier role has up and left me.
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Yes, it has me wondering how long they would let you bleed externally like this, my guess , not long.
DeleteI have wondered the same Gemma, and then I refuse to. I know my haemo is rock bottom but I am assuming that without emergency hospitalization (and Covid) my med people are crossing their fingers like I am.
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By the time you read this, I believe strongly that you would have snapped out of your low phase and be back to your usual normal buoyant self. My best wishes that you do.
ReplyDeleteI'm waiting Ramana, but feeling your positive energy.
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I hope you keep writing and regain strength, too. I abhor the way illness sometimes undermines my more typical nature, changing who I am. I had imagined a gentle sinking, smiling all the way. It's a pitched battle instead, not to regain my former health but rather my former self.
ReplyDeleteThanks for understanding Linda. Everything feels like another Everest these days and I'm losing track of who I am. A good Irish expression to describe the feeling is: I lost the run of myself.
DeleteNever more true when they battles become exhausting.
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Keep blogging please Mary.
ReplyDeleteAs long as you can.
You’re a link with Ireland, long left behind. x
Thank you Anne for the kind words. You gave me a thought to write more memories.
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Put on some bluegrass music and tell me if you can keep yourself from dancing. If you can, that will blow my theory that bluegrass cures all ills. Or, at least, despondency. At least temporarily.
ReplyDeleteIf you stop blogging without an explanation, I will worry myself sick. Somewhere I have your phone number, and now I know you text. Next: find that number and send you a message.
Having loved ones closer is going to help. Summer coming is going to help. Resting, if that's what your body demands, is essential. I'll be thinking about you.
-Kate
Thank you so much Kate. I promise I won't stop blogging and fade away. I so hated that when others did it, though I know they were in pain and distress and massively incapable of typing a word.
DeleteBluegrass is good, I agree. Dancing well nigh impossible at the mo. If they fix the bleed, I promise I'll dance again.
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So sorry. I am glad that your granddaughter is there to help you through encouragement and support.
ReplyDeleteThank you Gigi.
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Sorry to hear. Hope you take some strength from your blogging friends (as well as family and other friends) and start feeling better. Just know, our thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tom. I write about the good, the bad and the ugly for my sins :)
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Sorry to hear you're so downcast with one thing and another. I'm lucky enough not to have any serious medical problems, except for the odd bit of back ache/pain which doesn't affect my daily routines. I must say I prefer not to dwell on physical problems in any case. I prefer to focus on something more positive.
ReplyDeleteNick I don't believe it to be a choice whether we pay attention to our ailments or not. Sometimes they can be so bad they occupy every braincell and totally impact outlook. You'd be shocked at how many don't blog as they can't find the words.
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Sorry to hear about your exhaustion and depression, that must be very frustrating. I do occasionally write about such things but not always, sometimes I am just too sick and depressed to be up to reading what other people might say about that. But I am glad you have your Daughter and Granddaughter nearby and are comfortable talking with them. Hope the planned future outing goes well.
ReplyDeleteThank you Annie for your kind words. I know you suffer from pretty rotten challenges at times. I find it comforting to know I'm not alone but that's how I'm built, others have different ways of dealing with it.
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You have my respect. Dealing with illness is difficult on so many levels. I hope you have better days soon. Getting older takes guts.
ReplyDeleteIt does take guts Ann, and we are all walking each other home in various stages of decomposition (ha!)
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I recently wrote about being in the "doldrums" as I am loathe to thinking of how I feel as being depressed -- often seeking to find the various words that describe the different levels which, when all is said and done, must actually be forms of depression. Certainly, many years ago when I suddenly burst into tears for no immediately discernible reason I did recognize this was reason to see my doctor, which seemed wise.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you weather through this time as you surely will. Glad you have some family support sensitive to your needs. Keep writing as much or little as the spirit moves you -- I care!
Thank you Joared as I keep reminding myself I've weathered through worse in my time, sometimes it helps, others not! I have wonderful family for which I am so very grateful. I am brought to tears frequently. Gratitude. The best kind.
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I was just directed to your blog and I hate to read of your pain and low points. As Andrew way up said, don't ever lose hope for better things. Easier said than done, I know. Here's hoping things pick up for you and your suffering eases up some.
ReplyDeleteYes, thank you pressfortime and welcome! I feel a resolution is coming soon as I'm have hit the end of my rope.
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At this time I most certainly can relate to your feelings. However, you are fortunate enough to have support and caring from Daughter and Grandgirl - as well as your many readers. My heart goes out to you. Sending gentle hugs and positive thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Regina, your comment of solidarity really helps.
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WWW,
ReplyDeleteI have just posted on my blog about a surgery I have coming up. After I posted about this imminent change I was thinking about all the issues it is bringing up and wondering if I want to post about them. In some ways I don't want to be talking about it but then I know it will do others a service if I do.
So i'll mention it here:
I will be in a wheelchair and non-weightbearing for three months. When I am independent my bladder control is (just) good enough but if I'm struggling with clothing and transferring from chair to toilet or worse, bed to chair to toilet, will it be good enough then?
And are the "ergonomic" female urinals the bestt hing or is a regular one at 1/4 the price adequate?
And what will I want to wear? my usual uniform of long pants and shirt will most likely be awful to manage with moon boots and so on
and if I buy some nighties, how many? how much money do I want to invest into this whole glitch?
And though I can take leave would I be better off to just resign from this position which won't be the same when I am eventually able to come back to it?
I hope you get some relief from your misery, even one good day is sometimes all it takes to help us carry on
Oh Kylie, yes I read your blog earlier and feel your anxiety and distress. It's so overwhelming and I know that we focus on the little things to keep our minds off our major issues. Me, right now, I'm focused on my computer that crashed. It's hysterical as I should be focussed on this eternal bleed that needs to be diagnosed.
DeletePS I'd go for those incontinent panties/pads. One worry gone.
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I'm so glad your granddaughter has moved close, and you now have the support of both daughter and granddaughter in this very difficult time you've been going through. We're lucky to have a son who at the beginning of the pandemic decided to move in temporarily to support us, as my husband has dementia. He's still here! In Feb. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it's been a constant back-and-forth 150 km trip to the cancer clinic since, at times five trips a week. But we're doing fine. Years of the practice of zen have proven invaluable. As Shantideva said, "Putting up with little cares I train myself to deal with great adversity." Looking around at what so many others in the world are suffering right now, I can't say I'm experiencing 'great adversity', but I'd just as soon be healthy, as I'm sure you would. While we're at it, let's be 25 years younger! LOL! Hang in there, my dear! We all seem to be in the same boat, with a single oar, paddling in a tight circle, going nowhere! But we're sure to find a second oar soon! Hugs from Western Canada!
ReplyDeleteYou are very inspiring Deb, and I am so sorry about your cancer and your husband's dementia, a terrible disease. I take a page out of your book and put up with the little cares which often, for me, hold sway over the major ones. Ridiculous I know.
DeleteA tight circle going nowhere indeed!
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Sometimes we can't see what we need clearly enough, and we need someone else to advocate on our behalf, someone who sees our ailments the pain we are feeling.
ReplyDeleteSomeone who sees clearly how symptoms are affecting our bodies.
Explain it to a health care provider. What we expect them to do.
Gentle hugs to you and your family who are also suffering.
Yes, they are, GP and I wasn't allowing for that but I have turned it all around in the last few days and took a hold of myself and had a serious chat with myself and got me settled down.
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Sending a hug and a smile for whenever you feel the need...
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