I believe there's a fine line between sanity and insanity. I'm writing today as I feel quite massively overwhelmed by the last two years. See, I'm understating it terrifically. For who wants to read a depressing blog post about the State of The Union? The Union of the body parts, the brain, the physical well being, the social interactions, emotional and mental intelligence.
The last few days I don't feel I'm functioning as I should. Living alone is an enormous challenge in this Time of the Plague. No one to monitor me on a daily basis. No one to see how well I'm coping, no one to share with.
I feel everything is catching up with me. The isolation, the risk of emerging out of my cocoon into the virus infected world. The deaths of two very close friends, all the health challenges I've had.
I count out and sort all my pills every Sunday. I say all. I mean all. Over 30 every day. Stringing my beating heart and blood pressure and pain into acceptable numbers. I read them out to my doctor, usually once a week and we talk about my blood lab results.
This morning hopelessness set in. On March 14th here, all restrictions are removed. But seniors are dying in unprecedented numbers in this province. Vaccinated, unvaccinated? We haven't a clue. Those stats are deemed private. Expendable senior philosophy, economy comes first.
There are three in my bubble, Daughter, Niece and a close friend who has her own tiny bubble.
This is not a whine. Just throwing it out there. I feel quite anti-social as I feel I have nothing to talk about of any interest and my creativity and my equanimity are in extremely short supply.
I honestly feel like I am just marking time, waiting to die. My dreams are full of death, dead friends, Ansa, my lost daughter.
My friend Lana, in her assisted living luxury environment said on our phone call this week that she had put up a big sign in her room saying:
"THIS IS NOT ASSISTED LIVING, THIS IS ASSISTED DYING."
It caught the attention of the management in a big way so she's marching the halls again and dictating to the kitchen staff about healthy meals.
I don't share this stuff with family. Because it would distress them. Everybody has issues around this falling apart planet we're on. I can't add to their burdens.
Another "buck up, it could be worse" would have me screaming in a corner.
So there, I'm just not fit. I've lost the run of myself.
Truth in blogging.
Sheesh, Mary. Things sound dire. Wish I knew how to lift your spirits. Hard as it is to witness friends in pain, what makes it worse is feeling helpless. So ... just sending you love, admiration, appreciation for your friendship, your neverending kind support, your fine writing and storytelling skills, your wonderful blog, and ... well I could go on and on but I can sense your head getting larger as I speak and am afraid you will tip right over if I keep it up! But seriously ... I thank you for telling the truth. xoxox Kate
ReplyDeleteThank you Kate, Sometimes the words from "outside" help so much. Not that any of my blog friends feel like outsiders but very much my intimates at this point of years of blogging and sharing.
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Sending hugs. I understand. What I do is make a daily list. At the top is call someone so that I speak to another person even if only for a few minutes. If you see this, send an email.
ReplyDeleteGood idea on speaking to another, E. I do make lists which help a lot but need to add more which I will post about.
DeleteThanks for the hugs.
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Virtual hugs form Denmark, where we have totally opened up. That sent me in a state of jitters to begin with. But even if the numbers of infected soared for a week, they are now creeping downwards. And the number of hospitalized because of Covid has dropped all the time, we have now fever in ICU from Covid than we have had since the epidemic took flight, so I begin to relax.
ReplyDeleteI write and craft as a way out. And I write for you and Elephant's Child to have something to read as well ;)
Blogging is a good thing now!
Thanks for your honesty.
Blogging is life saving in this time of The Plague, Charlotte. Without it I think I might have vanished around the bend. Plus on line communication has been invaluable.
DeleteThank you for sharing your state of jitters.
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Sad to say but I feel much the same way. Part of mine could be the weather, I have SAD and it is in fine form right now.
ReplyDeleteThru all of this I have slowly lost contact with some friends, nothing too much to talk about and some of them still work while I am retired. It is hard for me to imagine if I will be able to get out when the restrictions are lifted...I am so tired of being frightened by all of this but it has become my new normal.
Hang in there.
We can't overstate the stress of all of this. Long time mental issues for many. We are social creatures and the lack of physical presence for many of us has been really detrimental to our overall wellbeing.
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keep on - you will get over this time because you are truly a strong woman. you've shown that throughout the time I've been reading your blog. it's women like yourself who help me bolster myself through my "stuff" - serious health problem, aloneness, and aging. I too have been feeling more negative lately (possibly due to the length of this Covid situation lingering) and am fighting to get my equilibrium back and start laughing again....okay, at least smiling a bit. many hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you Regina, I now feel not so alone with all of this and downtimes shared means a certain percentage of the angst is lifted.
DeleteI too want to laugh in a crowd again.
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Wise words evade me but I am glad to know someone else spends some time on Sunday mornings filling their dosette box with a week's supply. Better for your health than going church I think.
ReplyDeleteOur state government too has stopped releasing any more information than raw death numbers and new infection numbers. No doubt there is a motive (depersonalising?) but we aren't told why.
"Dosette Box" - I sure like that expression, never heard it. I had to up my ante on the dosette box as the old one couldn't contain them all. Found a beaut on Amazon. My cheap self hesitated but spend peanuts and get monkeys prevailed so went for the big bucks.
DeleteThose non-stats drive me. I want to know if all these dead seniors were triple vaxxed.
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Just weeks ago you seemed to be doing so well. I guess thats the thing about cliff faces, you're either on the top or off the edge and the change is instant.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're miserable, is there even one small thing you can change?
But that's emotion, isn't it Kylie. Unpredictable. Sameness is not good for the spirit and these past two years and the health issues, etc. tested me in ways I hadn't foreseen. One method I'll share on next post.
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Amen.
ReplyDeleteI've even stopped sending a whinny email to my daughter every week or two. I cherish my one granddaughter, and my friend Ann, who check in weekly!
It's hard not to whinge and whine Joanne. A dear friend with a 98yo father has seen him descend into the "Organ Recital" mode in the past month and it's making her dread his phonecalls. A good reminder to myself not to do this. We are more than our ailing body parts.
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I know, I know. We're all in a bad mood about politics, the virus, the economy, the international situation. But does it help to know that it has ever been so? As your countryman Sean O'Casey wrote back in the 1920s, "The world's in a terrible state o'chassis."
ReplyDeleteA state of chassis, alright Tom. Doesn't bear thinking about. So I won't.
DeleteThe sun shines today and the snow has disappeared, so I celebrate that.
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I'm a little worried myself. Today Australia opened the borders to international flights, as long as travellers are double vaccinated, they are welcome. I would prefer them to have had a booster as well, but it's not my decision to make. And apparently vaccination certificates can be faked....I'll just keep wearing a mask and staying home a lot.
ReplyDeleteRiver, yes, wearing the mask always and keeping the bubble small and staying home. And trusting no one who says they are "safe". I realized in my building that say their bubble is small are either lying or ignorant as their bubbles include grandchildren, extended family, etc. so they are exposed to thousands through schools and day care centres and university.
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Blogging is a safety valve. It lets you let off steam which otherwise could burst the vessel! You are doing a great job of blogging and making some of your readers relate.
ReplyDeletethank you Ramana, for cheering me up.
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Such emotions and reactions seem reasonable but tortuous to undergo, given our circumstances. We certainly would not tell a refugee stuck in a camp for two years to "buck up." Some of us--you definitely included--have encountered worsening health during this period, too. I keep myself going by making phone calls to friends I know are alone and in need of contact, and I know you're doing some of the same. It helps me feel as if I still have purpose. I applaud your efforts, too, but it's okay to cocoon and recoup when you're too overwhelmed. Is that what you're doing? I have read of your efforts to keep your sense of purpose, but sometimes just reading, eating chocolate or drinking tea for a day or a week are the most we can or should manage. I can tell you that you're certainly valuable to me, whatever you choose to write. As to filling the pill box, I've decided to stop viewing each pill I drop into its slot as a failure of mine to somehow heal myself with nutritious food, exercise, meditation and gratefulness, and instead to be grateful that modern medicine gives me an opportunity to stand up from my chair, to avoid eye damage from an auto-immune illness, and to be free of the worst of the pain that accompanies another, etc. Changing my attitude lets me off the hook and, although it seems silly, truly helps.
ReplyDeleteThank you Regina, your words inspire me. I've been lax on reaching out and gave up on Zoom, as I can't do chipper and cheerful at the moment and my long face would make anyone run for cover. Yes, I will change my viewing of these pills on Sunday mornings as I feel like a pharmacist sorting all these guys. I will thank each one for my life.
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It is too bad you live alone. I would feel like you do if I lived alone.
ReplyDeleteGigi, I know at least 3 marriages that have developed into further toxicity during The Plague so no, I don't yearn for a partnership. Just more of being with my intimates.
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England will also end all covid restrictions on Thursday, and probably Northern Ireland as well. Some people are very afraid they might now catch the virus. I've been vaccinated three times and I haven't caught covid so I'm fairly relaxed about the restrictions ending, but who knows if the decision is sensible or disastrous?
ReplyDelete"I honestly feel like I am just marking time, waiting to die." I'm sorry to hear that. I hope this despondent mood will change.
Thank you Nick. There is concern as to the vaccine's effectiveness in light of Omicron B the new variant. Another tick on the worry list. But I'm not worried.
DeleteI do hope that restrictions lifting doesn't plunge us all into another unbridled spread.
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I have no words so I just send hugs from the other side of the world where I am also feeling overwhelmed by the past two years. :(
ReplyDeleteThank you Snoskred for reaching out. I hope things improve. For all of us.
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I know exactly what you mean. I live alone, people-wise. I do have 4 dogs and 2 cats to keep me company. I don't know what I would do w/out them, to be honest. (Are you able to perhaps have a cat in your new home? He or she would never take the place of Ansa but would give company.) The loneliness for me is just crushing some days, I admit. (I work out of my home as well.) I so enjoy reading everyone's blogs; gives me a connection to others, regardless of their situation. I can offer no solutions that you haven't already thought of, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteOne good thing to look forward to: St Paddy's Day is coming up. The finest day out of the year (I'm Irish, and March 17th is actually my birthday). I think we should all start celebrating early this year!
We're not allowed pets here, Elle, which is a crime as they contribute so much to overall wellbeing. I really really miss not having an animal around to chat to and take for walks. It would make all the difference.
DeleteWhat part of Ireland are you from Elle?
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Pets are lifesavers, I believe.
DeleteI was born in the US but my family is from Donegal. When I was a kid, my birthday was a huge celebration, as you can imagine. Annoyed my brothers to no end; their take was that I had done nothing to earn such adulation. Tough beans! My kids and I had had a trip planned to Wigtown, Scotland, and then Ireland for next year. Think it is delayed. I watched last night's invasion of Ukraine; broke my heart. Such sadness just everywhere at the moment.
Yes, pets are so important. I find it hard without a companion dog. I was announced at banquets and events here to tumultuous applause as I had the fluke of being born in Ireland. So can relate :)
DeleteUkraine is very disturbing and may plunge us into further darkness.
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I hear you! Living alone can be quite a challenge at times, especially when we are feeling worse than we usually do as I did last night. Actually, I've been coping with something more than usual for several weeks -- keep trying different things. Finally, took a Covid test today that came out negative -- but I didn't really think I had the virus. I feel better tonight, so maybe whatever it has been, it's in the past -- I hope.
ReplyDeleteYes, everything that is going on in the world is more than discouraging to say the least. I also think one of the most difficult aspects of getting older is the loss of so many family (at least for me), and friends, as you describe. So few left to contact and with whom to commiserate. Ideally, others are "up" when we're "down" and the reverse, but when so many aren't left, who is there? My blogging buddies, like you, make a positive difference, whatever you write.
Yes, Joared, the loss of friends and family members has been soul-destroying. Two regularly booked calls and emails and texts from close friends have vanished from my life. So few left and so few to share with honestly and openly. It has a mighty effect on one's psyche.
DeleteYes, you make a world of difference to me too Joared.
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I hear you. I’m reading “puppy porn”, knowing full well I don’t have the strength to care for another Hapi but wanting to nevertheless. I still live where I could have a dog but my name is on the wait list for a place that would be far easier to live in but doesn’t allow pets. At least the puppy porn keeps my mind off less happy things and unpleasant decisions.
ReplyDeleteOMG Annie, I did the same after Ansa died. I was looking at older dogs abandoned and needing homes. We can dream, it keeps us engaged. Or something.
DeleteWe use what we can to ease our way in this uncertain world.
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I am a widow and live alone and can relate to much of what you say. Two long years of isolation, continuing worry, and our governments changing their minds about what we need to do re covid. It has been a stressful messy two years. Here's looking forward to better and happier times.
ReplyDeleteYes, I do hope better times are ahead, Terra, this is kind of unbearable at times. I so want to scream into the wilderness. Good to know I have kindred spirits.
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