I don't see many oldies writing about depression so I'm punching down on the keys here today and writing about my visits from the Black Dog.
He's been away more years than I can count and I have written about him before which I will link to later.
My PHC, who is pretty terrific, marked all the stuff going on with me yesterday and ordered lab work on new criteria one of which was B12. Not often done so special requisition.
Then she said: I can put you in touch with a therapist if you are dealing with depression.
Now I seriously had not added depression to my list of issues and I gaped slack jawed at her (further convincing her, no doubt, that I was definitely in the dark clutches of it.) I managed to sputter "Hang on a minute here, I'm NOT suicidal."
So I check in with Dr. Google on the symptoms to refresh myself
The psychological symptoms of depression include:
- continuous low mood or sadness.
- feeling hopeless and helpless.
- having low self-esteem.
- feeling tearful.
- feeling guilt-ridden.
- feeling irritable and intolerant of others.
- having no motivation or interest in things.
- finding it difficult to make decisions.
I would add constant pain and exhaustion and grief to that mix.
And I imagine you could call me full blown and cuddling down with The Black Dog.
These are the forbidden things to write about.
But I do write about forbidden things.
I'm running out of old people who have the unmitigated gall to run off on me and die and not be around to discuss their visits with the Black Dog.
But I truly believe I'm not alone as a depressed oldie.
And I owe an apology to my PHC, she knew.
I am glad doctors are more willing to bring up and discuss depression. However, their first response may be to medicate. I was pleased to read that your doctor suggested therapy, and not of the drug variety. I sometimes find that talking about MY feelings isn't necessarily the answer, but when someone shares their feeling with me, then I can see my own in a better light. Your list of lament is deep and long. I hope there are friends nearby who can share the load and hear you.
ReplyDeleteI'm a firm believer in no medication Delaine and was glad she did not mention it at all. As an aside every one I know is medicated. And always recommend medication to others or switching meds to others if the D word comes up. They are all without therapy ever. Just pilled up to the max. Harsh but the truth. They are of no help. And I miss the dear ones who believed as I did.
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Sometimes depression is a rational response. It can still become dangerous when it settles in for the long haul. I am glad that your doctor is on the ball - and v sad that she was/is right. Huge hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks EC I know you understand. If it lingers on I will see a therapist but I am writing it all down privately too as I see the threads of how I got here quite easily. Constant pain is part of it and unremitting grief which is not lifting as I wait for the worst.
DeleteAnd I miss my old self, the one engaged in all aspects of life.
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>>and I miss my old self<< There, right there, is the core. Every day I work on conjuring up the "old self" who has energy, motivation, strength, courage. I'm visualizing the same for you, that you will feel that "old self" who is still in there.
DeleteThank you Delaine, I miss that old self so, out and about when she wanted, hiking, running, engaged without planning a whole week with activities spaced right out.
DeleteI suppose this one foot in the grave life is better than six feet under.
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I come to realise, while not proper depression, if I start to lack interest in things and feel unmotivated, I could be heading towards depression. Such a state for me usually passes in a day or so.
ReplyDeleteI feel for anyone where this state last longer, never mind the other symptoms you've mentioned.
Thanks Andrew, lacking the energy to do all the things I love is part of this downwards trip. So much I took for granted before like walking in the beauty of this place. I am hoping my wonderful physio guy and build me up and help this who mobility situation, he's doing so much already. The mental stuff, if it remains, I will have to deal with in time.
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I’ve read your every word for a long and have enjoyed all! I thought my soreness and tired was old age but it turned my b12 was very low soI need shots for 3months once a week! Keep up the great writing and Ienjoy the comments you get also
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your message. I could be low in iron too as I have had infusions before. But yes, now that I've stared at the symptoms I've been exhibiting every single one. Long term pain takes a huge toll on every aspect of living.
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I don't suffer depression, though I know some who do, and probably I will never fully understand it. Like Andrew, I sometimes lose interest in doing anything, but often enough it's mostly lethargy when it is too hot to even move or too cold and all I want to do is stay in bed where it's warm. I have no interest in doing the housework either but that's more of a "who cares?" thing. I do find that listening to my rock and roll playlists gets me going again.
ReplyDeleteGood thoughts on music River, I find when I'm like this I don't put it on for fear it will make me feel worse which is probably nonsense. I do get down days, everyone I believe does, but this has been a long lasting hopeless feeling, lurching from one medical appt to another and constant pain and anxiety also.
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I don't think I have ever had depression so it may be inappropriate for me to have an opinion but I do suspect it is best dealt with by addressing the things that got a person there. I also think meds have a place if a person is too depressed to practice any kind of self care or is in danger of suicide.
ReplyDeleteAging is cruel as it steals ability and independence, by it's nature it makes life smaller but then add grief and pain and it would be pathological not to experience a low.
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. hang in there
Thank you Kylie. I've got through stuff like this before with the help of therapists who have been insightful and supportive. Yes meds have a place is there is suicidal ideation but I'm not there which I'm so very grateful for. Just constant feeling of dread and drudge. Lifting a bit now that I wrote about it. I'm dearly missing my loving circle of friends now passed who walked the roads with me.
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Depression is NOT a forbidden subject. I have been a depressive so many times in my life that I have lost count. Without mentioning the word I have just posted something which brings up the "darkness" again.
ReplyDeleteI had treatments in the past, chemical ones as well as the "talking cure" but nothing really works for ever. I have given up the pills. They did me no favours in the end.
Now, when an episode comes up I spoil myself rotten, without feeling guilty. I stay in bed as long as I want to, I eat and drink whatever I feel I want at that moment, I read for many hours at a time, lightweight stuff that amuses me, I get out into the daylight when the weather allows, I do anything and everything I need to do to sidestep the darkness. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, mainly because I've caught it too late.
I don't exactly welcome the black dog now but I also don't despair when it sneaks up on me. It's a kind of "there, there" therapy. Being alone doesn't help, of course; but the older I get the more I forgive myself.
This too shall pass, dear old girl.
I think we have corresponded about this in the past (the very very past) Friko and I am so very glad to see you connecting again. Pain seems to be the dominant feature with me and exhaustion from sleeping on a chair as I'm unable to sleep in a bed with my back so bad. I can't see the daylight of anything some days. I am in physio which helps some days and others not so much. I would love to have a whole day in bed munching indulgently and reading what I liked while listening to some good music. Alas. Maybe soon. And yes, it will pass but oh gawd when?
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I don't know why depression should be such a taboo subject. Plenty of people suffer from it so why not discuss it? Luckily I've escaped serious depression. I might get a bit despondent for half an hour but that's it.
ReplyDeleteA lot of shame around it Nick and like I mentioned earlier so many are pilled up they coast along emotionalessly. (is that a word?). I know far too many who would pill me up in communion with them but I'd rather the magnificent highs and lows of life. Flatlining is terrible and exerts a toll on the human spirit.
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I'm sorry you are going through this again. It must be so disheartening. Even knowing how loved and admired you are by so many of us doesn't really help, does it! And not realizing when we are clinically depressed and not "just" responding to life problems must be a common thing -- because life really can be rough sometimes. I hope you're soon feeling better. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI have an adult son whom I feel is depressed (life sucks, people suck, job sucks, etc) but he believes that's just life and doesn't want to do anything that might help him enjoy it. I don't know how to help him but it sure hurts to see him so low all the time. Suicidal ideation is part of it. I've managed to get him to talk to 2 counsellors and a psychiatrist and all have said they don't believe he will hurt himself. I hope they're right. He's not willing to talk to any of them again. One would think he would WANT to see things differently and do something to achieve that goal, but he thinks his attitude is plain old reality and anyone who enjoys life is a deluded fool. Have you been in that place? If so, how did you shift perspective or what could anyone do to help? - Signed, Worried Mother
thanks for your understanding Kate. Regarding you son, maybe that is his personality. I have known others like him. It's extremely alienating behaviour. Does he have friends how are similar to him. I'm wondering what kind of community is surrounding him. Group therapy might help but there comes a time when we have to let go of our adult children too if they are striking a path of their own, warts and all. As long as he doesn't mention suicide or self harm. Thoughts are with you.
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Constant pains are a beast, It will suck all energy and positivity out of life for you. And paired with genuine grief ... I do understand your visits with The Grim. I sympathise with you big time, and so hope that something can be done for you!
ReplyDeleteOnly very seldom do I give unsolicited medical advice (I actually think this is a first). But ... 10 years ago or so I consulted my doc several times with constant pain, lacklustre thoughts, lack of energy. "Missing my old self" would actually be apt description of my aliment! ... she tested a load of things, and finally said that it might be stress or "something between the ears", and that I should return in 2 weeks to discuss what more might be done (antidepressants, therapy ...). But on my next visit, doc wordlessly pointed to a new poster, describing the symptoms of lack of vitamin D and suggested that I got this checked.
My status was low, very low. I dodged injections, but started on the largest oral dose, and in about two weeks much of the pains subsided, and my brain cleared.
I do not say that this is what ails you, but checking for low Vitamin D sure would not hurt. I hope your adversity to medication is like mine - not for vitamins and minerals, but for the 'big stuff'.
I do use the D drops Charlotte, but might bump them just to be sure. But yes a lack of Vit D might be an issue too. B12 as well, the tests will be early September for all the elements which might be missing in my ancient carcass.
DeleteThanks!
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I'm saddened you've been grabbed by the darkness. I read the list and thought, yep, yep, yep. I've been off track, back at unbalanced and embracing occasional tears, a lostness, a why can't I find a way to lift back into happiness, shut the heavy thoughts down, smile. I've been wanting to write it down but often it takes too much energy. I'll attempt now.
ReplyDeleteRight now I've been blaming some of it on this long Mercury Retrograde season, soon to pass. Struggles financially, allowing my past to revisit, and my thoughts of time running out.
But can I add when I dial in a constant daily morning routine of extra self care it gives me some relief. I rise earlier, sit with some stretch and audio meditation, journal gratitude adding some creative beauty to it, and put extra polish in my presence, adding a little shine, a little lightness. Smile in my mirror. Self-talk. It doesn't always happen, it might not often make a difference, but more times than none it does offer relief or I at least feel I achieved something in my day.
You are worthy of feeling in tune with happiness and energy, know you are loved even if not shown more like one might hope, vigor from your natural surroundings, maybe doddle or poetically note all that surrounds you. I hope you awaken/ed today, and feel a renewal, that any hallow or emptiness was magically tucked away, instead some new fire in your belly has been replenished. Let the kindness I read here open you to feeling lifted and cared for. Much love. And thank you for your voice of honesty!
Ph CJ this is enormously helpful, I need to change some of the routines to encompass what you do, I do journal and do TRY to list gratitude and positives every morning but at times that defeats me. I tend (in this state) to focus on failures and shove off the poor-mes and need to remind myself more of all I have accomplished. Pain is the dominant factor and discipline (self) is something I have to work consistently on as self-sabotage can be a theme, that sense of hopelessness and why bothering haunts me.
ReplyDeleteI am so very grateful for the support and concern and good advice.
Progress report to follow.
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Elephants Child's response pulled me up short with its wisdom, that sometime depression is a rational response.
ReplyDeleteI don't suffer from it but I have close relatives who do.
A morning routine sounds good - I try not to look at my phone for the first hour - mug after mug of tea and the sounds outside my back door of wind in trees, traffic, voices as I sit at the kitchen table.
Why do we irish seem to gravitate to the kitchen table as the centre of the house I wonder !?
Pain is exhausting - I'm so sorry you're having to suffer.
Above all please know you have real friends out here who aren't going anywhere.
xxx
Thanks YS, I've gleaned so much from all who have posted here and so grateful for my online community. Over the years some of you have become friends IRL too which is extraordinary. I need to change my routines and I will work on them one at a time. I tend to nosedive into news (the plague of old age as exemplified by those gone before me) when so little of it is uplifting. Sights and sounds awareness helps me a lot too. Birds particularly, I love their battles and flights outside my window, blessed with kestrels and eagles and puffins out here on The Rock. I miss the kitchen table gatherings of old. My super long (nine feet!) kitchen table which I moved to my apartment could tell acres of stories.
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I've actually got two - kitchen tables that is - one each end of a very large kitchen.
DeleteI'll call the smaller one near the back door Mary's table from now on...xxx
What a lovely thought YS thank you!
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With the world we live in I think depression is an appropriate response...Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteUncertainty is a plague alright, e. Especially in the US which effects Canada in so many ways too. Fingers crossed that your country will right itself and never mention that Orange Peril again.
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ReplyDeleteI have probably been fortunate. I have never suffered from depression, but I certainly recognize that it is a scourge that affects many. Good luck with it; life has too much to offer to stay there.
ReplyDeleteAgreed David but where there's a will there's a way doesn't work in many cases. It's beginning to lift a bit now. Fingers crossed. I've talked it through with a few supporters.
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I thinknyou are right in that many of the elderly live with depression. Well, we have good reason! We are seeing our days numbered; friends and family are departing for the unknown much too often; younger friends and family are so busy they often forget about us; we live with pain; many of us struggle financially; and I could go on and on. I occasionally have a dark mood on me but I manage to keep it hidden and eventually it lifts. Perhaps not the healthiest way to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's a right way or a wrong way or a healthy way. We are all individual and sometimes the pit feels so very deep. My father would always say "as we age we need something, anything, to look forward to." I think it was very wise as I find that the thought of something new to see or do always excites me. No matter how trivial.
DeleteAnd treating myself with more kindness and concern. Which has always been a challenge for me.
Yes, there's a long list of challenges as we age and we are ill-prepared for it.
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I hope you are feeling better. I don't think people who have never experienced true depression can imagine what it feels like, honestly. The mental aspect of it but also the physical; like you're drowning, can't move, etc. I keep a journal; have for years and years. Read back through it the other day; the difference in tone some days is just astonishing.
ReplyDeleteI keep a journal too Elle but have destroyed all the old ones. My recent one reminds there are diamonds among the stones. I found the trip away recently lifted me up somewhat. I think the sheer drudgery some days of basic self-care zaps the beejesus out of us and there is nothing left over so we internalize the whole what's the purpose of it all mindset which can bring us further down.
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