Tuesday, February 11, 2025

Missing

We had a LOT of snow and I was captivated by the melting centre of the window, itself shaped like a tree.

Andrew wrote about the losses of those we love a few days ago. I had been thinking about that on and off for the last few months having brushed close to the grim reaper myself - and this was not the first time either.

Lately the loneliness has struck me, all the close friends gone, the interesting, lengthy conversations, the extended stays in my house, the pick up of conversations started some time ago as if there were no break. Ideas tossed back and forth, meals cooked together, trips taken, scrabble games, books mailed and read and emailed on. Art reviewed, knitted items made and gifted, tribulations of life shared, sometimes on a daily basis, broken hearts nurtured and healed. Memories relived over and over. New adventures shared. "Remember whens?" relived and fresh little details offered up like Christmas gifts, old friends brought back to life by those outliving them.

And on it goes.  New friends are not the same, the shared history is shorter, the not knowing them in comparative youth and energy. I find it hard to imagine the youth in those elderly faces I see, the romances or the prettiness or handsomeness. And I imagine they only see the old in me too.

I miss them all, the shared confidences of times past, the remembrances of battles fought and won (or lost). But most of all the laughter and the trust and unwavering support for each other, reminders of life back then, of loves back then, of successes back then, of movies and theatre and operas and symphonies.


My orchids never fail to enchant me.

Don't get me wrong, please. I don't spend that much time thumping my chest and bemoaning the past. This is just something I haven't seen written about much. The absolute loneliness of old age when you outlive most of your friends and outliving a beloved partner would also be the same, I would think.

I would point out that making new friends is difficult with the limited capacity of being old, especially with physical challenges. Having uncertain days, joining a new book club or getting season theatre or concert tickets would involve commitment which my health challenges would not allow. Especially in winter. I am always aware of descending into constant "organ recitals" and I have to apply those brakes to myself when I find I can't wait to plunge into a conversation about all my ailments. I mentally slap myself in time. Usually.

23 comments:

  1. Yes, the shared past, shared memories . life witnesses I hink is a word for it. I miss them too, noone to ask: "Do you remember ...?" "Where did ... him ... you know who live?" All the unaskable questions and loose threads. Even if I'm not that old, I moved, and lost most friends that way. Now, getting older, I miss them.

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    1. It's very tough indeed Charlotte. I lost one life long friend who had been in my life for 76 years. Through thick and thin. Daily emails. Stayed with her in Dublin every year. And so very many more of varying durations, male and female. Some days are rougher than others when I want to share something and bingo, crickets.
      XO
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  2. When you are older, you have to be very proactive to gain new friends, and as you say, you don't have those shared memories.

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    1. Exactly Andrew and a generational gap sometimes. I am lacking intellectual stimulation, I love a good conversation on multiple topics and it's rare when it happens.
      XO
      WWW

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  3. I once told a daughter that more people die of loneliness than any other cause, I'm sure. Even surrounded by old people, it's not possible to remake those old friendships. And it's a two way street. I will certainly try to help anyone, but I'm no longer want a deep emotional attachment.

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    1. You describe it well Joanne, it's impossible to form an emotional attachment I find. I am kind and listen and help when asked but that element of history is missing. The back and forth of friendship which usually takes years of trust.
      XO
      WWW

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  4. It's true new friends are not the same, but if you have things n common, there can be conversation at least, and you can talk about your past and hear about theirs too. And if the friendship lasts, you can still have "remember when we first met, or when we went to..." and so on.

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    1. I'm not finding that River. There's a trap in old age about just simplifying everything down to food, shopping, health. I find most here have the bingo and darts and coffee clatching (e.g. gossip) but nothing really stimulating. At all. Maybe it's me? I sometimes think it is. Which adds to the loneliness.
      XO
      WWW

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    2. Being confined in the same "quarters" and not getting out in the world contributes to the lack of stimulating conversation. The women in Ladies Who Lunch all have many activities and interests that are brought to the "table" each month. There are the health issues, but we learn and we share what we know with one another. The last lunch had a lengthy conversation about mammograms (where & with whom) and then resulting breast cancer surgery (one will have and another has stories). We are all involved in the community in various ways and have a lot to share with what is going on right now.

      Without those activities, though, our conversations would be lacking. We even get comments from wait staff about how interesting we are and how much they enjoy serving us. So, wonder how long that will last. The oldest is 80 and the youngest is 56.

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    3. Yes, you are fortunate to have them. I also meet some young ones for brunch and good conversation but I miss all my old buddies, the stimulation and history and it's so rarely written about. I do reach out to other readers (much younger) but miss my book club which is a huge drive away now.
      XO
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  5. This is such a raw honest post Mary; I'm not hearing your old fighting spirit but - so unselfishly - you are preparing us all for what is the inevitable future.
    I've lost several confidantes recently and keep having to stop myself from saying - "Oh I must tell so-and-so about..."
    I'm trying to make a positive effort in listening and talking to people of all ages. I'm dialling down on the Big Weekly Shop by car for a shop on foot each day so I can bump into neighbours.
    It costs a bit more but does it? xxx

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    1. The unwritable stuff as I call it YS. I think being physically restricted, which I am, has a lot to do with it as well. I'd always meet others on hikes and walks for instance. And when training for road races. Friendships which crept into other areas and interests.
      My writing group does stimulate me, though, I am beginning to look for new connections in a more learning environment, perhaps.
      i also find it difficult, being partnerless, to friend up with those that are partnered even though I would like to.
      XO
      WWW

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    2. I hear you xx

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  6. I'm finding there are more losses and disappointments in my life as time goes on. Your experience tells me this is something I must resign myself to. I don't want to! Yet I believe everything you're ssying. Thank you for the unpolished heads-up, Mary. As always.

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    1. Interestingly enough an a acquaintance who needed help dropped in last night and we veered into forming a book club in our building. I think it might work. There are a few readers around which gives me hope! I realize also it's such a privilege to age when so many don't but there is a price. My father talked about this but of course I didn't listen, for what did he know??!!
      XO
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  7. I remember my parents talking about how they were ouliving so many of their good friends, and were tired of attending funerals. Now I find myself inching into those same years, and it seems to be a slippery slope. I just lost my dear cousin John in England, who wrote By Stargoose and Hanglands blog, this past weekend. It's a hard blow because I can't be there with his brother. And then I look at my siblings, all 12 of them still living, and know that time is ticking for us all.
    Which I suppose sounds depressing and goulish and maybe it is, but I am finding that I need to think this way to prepare myself for what is coming. Otherwise I think it would be devastating as when I lost my son so suddenly. And all the while, I must remind myself to hold on to joy, to not feel guilty at being happy. A tricky path to follow.

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    1. I am so sorry about your cousin Sue, heart wrenching. One of my close cousins in France is struggling with cancer at the moment, same age as my brother that I lost a few months. As the eldest of my family I find survivor guilt (+the loneliness) hits me more frequently. Not ghoulish at all, I think it's natural to think of "borrowed" time which I do. A lot. I can't imagine what losing a child is like. Devastating. I am so sorry.
      XO
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  8. Losing a partner is devastating..but my Pirate told me never stop doing things just because I won't be there with you..wise words but difficult to follow through at times..but I'm getting there...Big Girl Pants being hauled up still ...flying alone for the first time 😳
    Friends...you have to have friends of all ages..and common interests..younger ones ask about your memories of what you share, so that keeps them..and you..alive..and then making new memories with new people.
    It does hurt when friends go..and they aren't all older or the same age..but we all carry on

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    1. Yes, we do carry on if we are able. Some can't unfortunately. And I have known a few who found the pain too unbearable. I am very grateful always that I have an internal life that sustains me as I know many who don't and can see a slippage in them which distresses me. For me, it's a great privilege to grow old.
      XO
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  9. It's the inevitability of age, isn't it? Either you go first and let all your friends and relatives do the grieving, or as age creeps on, you stand and stare as those you love slip away off the conveyor belt of life. I'll not suffer you to read the list of those who've gone before me. It's getting rather long. My dear late wife was the hardest. Both of us locked away in different countries, imprisoned by Covid-19, unable to be together as the cancer took her away. 'No closure' was a phrase I'd never experienced before. I know what it means now. I wasn't alone. There were thousands like me condemned to let our loved ones die without us there to hold a hand or kiss a brow. It doesn't go away. As GZ wrote, "...but we all carry on."

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    1. I remember it so well RJ, how incredibly heart breaking it all was and all those rules which were so uncaring for individual circumstances. Absolutely horrible. Your suffering was mighty. I have lost far too many also, many of them romantic partners. Some hurting more than others. Yes, we all carry on. Slowly and painfully some days.
      XO
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  10. I know exactly how you feel, but here we are still up and breathing albeit walking more carefully and slowly.

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    1. Exactly Cris. I try and find the plusses in my days and not the minuses now in my morning pages. This morning, and many mornings it's my orchids which are glorious. I also realise that my animal companions were a huge emotional support for me from time to time. And because of the asinine rules in this building we can't have pets which so many studies have shown extend the lives of seniors. Big sigh.
      XO
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