Monday, June 06, 2011

Act As If


Well, that's what 'they' say. Until 'it' goes away. And it hasn't. In spite of. Acting as if.

Acting as if life is wonderful and I am so lucky and my gawd you are living your dream.

But right now it is overwhelm. Every single phonecall I get needs something from me. Not that I lay the blame on anyone else. Sometimes, I need a phonecall that just says "How are you?" and means it. Not as a prelude to do this and do that and can you and will you.

But all that aside. This thing always comes out of nowhere, sometimes to stay, at the top of the stairs, at the door. I try not to feed it but I do. A poem came into my head last night and I sat and cried. A harsh poem about words and boots and fists that came out of nowhere when I was five-six-seven. Old ghosts gather as the black dog paces, see? And nothing I can do can stop them. Well medication did for a while but the payback demanded was flatlining. As in dead. The unme.

At this age I know it will get bored if I don't feed it and move on. I will show it no fear. I will do the things I have been taught. Take care of me. Walk in the sunshine. Breathe in the deep sea air. Take some pictures. Write more secret poems. Read other blogs that get the same visits from the same black dog.

For I am not alone in this fragility and how comforting that is.

17 comments:

  1. You are most definitely not alone. I have been battling him again as well. I, too, gave meds a try years ago but it was very short lived. The flatlining I experienced shocked and scared me. I'm feeling rather numb lately, but at least I am aware. I hope he leaves us both soon. Take care.

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  2. The most you can do with the Black Dog is acknowledge his existence and wait for him to leave you again. In the meantime, you have to make the best of it and remember it is a temporary visit. Nothing lasts forever. Not even this does. And remember also that you are a strong and courageous woman and, no, you are not alone. I do have run ins with him myself.

    XOX

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  3. Ah, sad to hear the black dog is on the prowl. I wish you sweet thoughts and feelings of contentment.

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  4. Adding my sympathies, WWW...HUG!!


    In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all, and it often comes with bitter agony. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now believe that you will ever feel better. But this is not true. You are sure to be happy again. Knowing this, truly believing it, will make you less miserable now. I have had enough experience to make this statement.

    --Abraham Lincoln

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  5. Sending healing hugs.

    Any chance of a poem about the Grangirl?

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  6. I've never been depressed for longer than half an hour. I guess I'm either an optimist or an escapist. But I can understand why other people get seriously depressed. Life can be difficult and demanding and upsetting and resilience has its limits.

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  7. BG:
    Oh it is such a relief to know I'm not alone in this as it can feel that way sometimes, everyone else on Planet Trippy-Happy and me on the Arctic alone with Black Dog.
    I do hope you feel more uplifted. And soon.

    Nora:
    Yes, I know you do. We will hold tight until He vanishes. Thanks for your understanding.

    Sharon:
    Thank you for those sweet thoughts.

    T:
    Lovely thoughts from Abe who had his regular visitor too. Thank you.

    GM:
    Thank you. No, though I miss her terribly.

    Nick:
    Life is damn fine at the moment, I must check the current state of the moon. These feelings come out of nowhere. And is just a status I undergo periodically. Not as bad as they used to be, thank the stars (Moon?)
    XO
    WWW

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  8. Like you say, out of nowhere. Damn dog.

    But I walk him off, garden him off, pretend he's not there. A real black dog helps me, I cuddle him and he's grateful.

    Damn the one I hate.

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  9. I don't get depressed for very long or very often, but, then again, I live in a state of denial. I can overlook something until it knocks me down and that isn't good either.

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  10. Friko:
    Yes I have a lovely black girl as well and I cuddle her and she seems to know when 'the other' paces. Strange that. I did the "dos" today and cross fingers it might be on its way. I sure hope so. I hate this stuff.

    Marcia:
    Oh denial is a good thing. I wish I could block out the past for that's what creeps up on me and takes me by surprise!

    XO
    WWW

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  11. Veep:
    Part of me is full of sympathy for you, the other bits are glad of the empathy. No longer alone.
    I am confident it will lift for both of us, it always does. It's just a question of riding the storm, right?
    XO
    WWW

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  12. Be good to yourself darlin .. we need you.
    Betty

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  13. Veep:
    We're on the same page, :)

    Betty:
    What encouraging words....thank you.

    XO
    WWW

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  14. I hope your doing better,
    but was it necessary to send the black dog here...
    I really don't want him to stay, nor wish him on another. This to shall pass, as all things do. Words just words, tumbled and tumbled, til they make no sense at all...

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  15. Oh Brighid I am so sorry but misery loves company so I am not alone in mine.
    I do hope it lifts for you, seems there is a pack of the creatures roaming this fair planet.
    we are not alone.
    I offer you comfort and commiseration.
    XO
    WWW

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