Friday, March 16, 2012
I am rattled. Yes, there's a lot on the desk. Scads of tax-work to do. Editing. Planning. Grant applications. If I shared it all it would make your head explode. So I won't. I'll just try and glue my own head together.
Overlaying all of it, constantly, is worry about my disappeared daughter. I was able to track her doings on Twitter and a few more professional sites for a few years. But it is nearly 60 days now and her Twitter account has not been updated and she is no longer a member of the other sites.
And my head can't take this constant barrage of 'what ifs' that I've had in the last two weeks. Through the wonder of this technological age I observed a flutter of activity and accusations as she barged off a film set half way through production a couple of months ago. At the time I thought, OMG, she's at it again, this is kinda sorta public, she will get blacklisted by the film industry. How we do one thing is how we do all things. She's blacklisted her entire family. She's been barging off, huffy, since she was two years old. Nothing has changed. I get so scared for her.
Do we ever stop being parents? No. I'd like to stop. I'd like to be a wise old crone and que sera, sera myself into karmic bliss. But I can't when it comes to my kids.
I find this whole not knowing about her well-being, ill-being, is affecting my perception of everything. The dog threw up all over my bed the other night. Barf bed. Yeah. Horrible. And I must have cried for two hours. My dog was dying. But only in my head.
(Ansa is just fine, she probably ate something on the shore that had been dead for a month and decided to share a midnight feed with me).
My elder daughter had a severe episode of her MS (necessitating emergency intervention) when I was in Toronto last month and my mind keeps going back to that. She is fine too and off with her dad and her daughter (Grandgirl) on March break in Montreal as I write.
I'm just niggling away at all worrisome things at the moment and need to put a positive spin on my life.
All is seriously well. Really. Isn't it amazing what can do one's head in, in spite of this?
And there's nothing I can do about any of it.