Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Safety


I ran into an old friend yesterday. I hadn't seen him in a while and he asked me how I was doing. I said it had been a rough time and he asked me why and I gave him the briefest of versions of the past year in my life and it was the oddest thing. Without a pause or reflective comment or even sympathy, he launched into this long narrative of how he was so much worse off. Ten minutes later I broke away from him. I felt like I'd been slapped.

I had a session with my counsellor an hour later - previously scheduled - and told him what had happened. I recognised that I needed to be even more careful with whom I share anything with for I can feel far worse afterwards. That crying in the wilderness thing.

My counsellor had me focus on the gifts that have sprung from my losses. And there were many. Not least of which is reevaluating my life now in light of these. He also had me talk about Missing Daughter and revisit that with the heart numbing thought that I am "dead" to her and may remain so. It's a fresh way of looking at this and I am grateful for that.

Healing is the underlying scaffolding of all of this. I keep thinking I'm ready to brace myself against the real world and then find I'm not. I'm unable to live superficially, it's a gift given to many but alas, I didn't make that particular cut. Many, many times I wished I was light and fluffy and could fiddle-dee-dee life's trials, both yours and mine. Or stay mum and wait for them to pass or even bury them.

The last few days have been rough, that Black Dog thing. I know there's an end in sight, I wish I knew when. Change is always nerve-wracking and emotional, even the changes wrought by intensive counselling sessions with the healing acceptance of the losses of former confidantes combined with the rejection of those I hold most dear.

No one gets a free pass, particularly as we age. It comes down to the tools we have to just deal.

I am grateful for those.


18 comments:

  1. Believe me
    I know just how difficult the path you are walking feels x

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  2. And your readers are grateful for your sharing and insights, which greatly help us in similar times of struggle (fighting off the black dog too). Thank you most sincerely.

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    1. One of the reasons I write so intimately and anonymously here is for those who totally "get it" like you K. Thank you for your kind words.

      XO
      WWW

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  3. I am grateful that you are here and talk about real situations and feelings.

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    1. Thank you E. It helps me immeasurably too.

      XO
      WWW

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  4. Thank you. I'm quite familiar with the Black Dog. I appreciate being reminded "It comes down to the tools we have to just deal." Yes, grateful. Lori

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    1. And new tools all the time if we continue the quest, Lori. And share. It is so important to know we're not alone.

      XO
      WWW

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  5. It's very interesting too and helpful when you write about conversations with your counsellor and the practical balancing you get from them.

    Life sure does have rough patches.

    What did I hear somewhere lately about grief ... something about we don't get over it; our job is to survive it.

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    1. Yes, it never leaves Kathy, it trots along beside us forever. And each new loss opens the entire floodgates once again.

      He is amazing, this counsellor, I feel so fortunate.

      XO
      WWW

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  6. I do get down sometimes but nothing like what you describe. My mother suffered the way you do, and I wish I could have been more understanding.

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    1. When I look back Hattie, it was my maternal grandmother who had the symptoms I have. She never recovered from my mother's death. It is a beast.

      XO
      WWW

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  7. I understand all you share
    and cannot share as bluntly on my blog
    since children and grandchildren read.
    Wish at times they did not know about my love of writing.
    Please take care and you are growing.
    I too
    growing and learning and had to stop going back to all the pain or it would take me..

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    1. The pain seems to reach out and grab me. I wish it were a choice situation but it isn't for me.

      XO
      WWW

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  8. When you share with others and make yourself vulnerable, it's crushing to realize that the person to whom you have spoken hasn't been hearing you at all. Instead that person has viewed everything you've said as an entree to garner empathy or sympathy for his or her trials. Perhaps just realizing that's what that person is doing is enough to lessen the hurt, but, if so, I haven't yet found a way to totally escape feeling hurt in such situations. I hope you have. Perhaps one antidote is sharing here and, hopefully, feeling that you are heard.

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    1. The thing was Linda, with him, there wasn't one death, it was his trip to Florida cancelled, his grandchild diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and a brother with cancer, and not being able to go to his cottage for hunting and a car accident with no one hurt. And minor surgery. I honestly felt assaulted. I suppose I was. I am so lucky to have here and blog friends like yourself.
      XO
      WWW

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  9. Most people are so self occupied that when someone shares something they immediately take off into their own side of perceived problems etc, although they would have started off by asking the first person as to how they are. That opening is an invitation to say something and then wait for the tirade to follow! I avoid such people.

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  10. I know what you mean about confiding in someone, only for them to trivialise what you've told them and launch into their own troubles. Like a slap in the face, as you say.

    I don't think many people are really light and fluffy and able to take life's ups and downs on the chin. I think most people are just as vulnerable to hurt and pain and grief, but they may prefer not to show it and put on a cheerful face.

    I hope the counselling is helping you to cope better with your inner demons.

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