~~~Through The Fog~~~
I spend a lot of my time alone. Which is my preference. People would say I'm extroverted but I am not. I spent a lot of my time as a child escaping, to bathrooms, under the stairs, solitary bike riding, solitary walking and cliff hiking. Reading. Writing. Playing the piano with the door closed, oblivious to any query as to what was I was playing in there.
I live in my head most of the time. Always have. Escapism? I suppose so. I sometimes find the insanity and pain of the world too much to bear. This heading straight off a cliff into nothingness which looms ahead of all of us. I talk to the spirits of my grandmother and mother that live inside me. Certifiable? Perhaps.
I find it such a challenge to be understood. I would love to do light and fluffy like so many I know but I'm just not put together that way so I hold myself back a lot of the time. I have very few friends that I share my inner thoughts with for fear of being found incomprehensible, or being ridiculed and rejected. I differ in values with a lot of my family. As I get older, I realize the chasms are getting larger rather than smaller. And when I reach out across the voids created by others that were once close to me it is more often than not met with a stinging silence.
Daughter recently went on a hiatus from Facebook as she discovered that it was increasing her sense of isolation, seeing photos of other family members temporarily unite from other corners of the globe and excluding her even though she is in the same city as them and is all by herself. I surmise it was probably inadvertent. People just don't think, do they?
I saw that for myself in the past 9 days when I was carless. Only one person called to see if I needed groceries or anything else. But it just takes the one. I see that too. We just don't think outside our own personal self-contained little boxes.
I am going to try and do better with this. To jump outside my own personal safety net a little more and see if others could use a hand or even a listening ear. And risk.
For after all I am the change I wish to see in the world, right?
WWW, learned a long time ago that often the safest place is with self and there ain't nothing wrong with "safe". Like you, I can be an extro when the occasion calls for it, but have always relished those times when I can come home, close the door, draw the curtains and simply recharge.
ReplyDeleteYou're right about the one. Been there, experienced that.
Slainte!
PS: Got the Maggi seasoning. Here, it was in the gourmet food section. Looks like a chilli weekend! ;-)
ReplyDeleteVeep:
ReplyDeleteAh so I am understood. Somehow I knew that you would "see" me.
As to the Maggi, let me know how that chili turns out!
XO
WWW
I like this post. It spoke volumes and hit some familiar notes for me. Good tone. Living in one's head, yes.
ReplyDeleteCynthia:
ReplyDeleteBlogging is one way of reaching across the chasm and being heard, yes?
XO
WWW
PS I liked what I read on your blog!
I entirely identify with your experience of feeling isolated and misunderstood. So many mainstream opinions seem to me to be utterly half-baked and idiotic, but openly opposing them often brings only baffled incomprehension. Sometimes I feel like a Martian.
ReplyDeletewell birds of a feather....maybe that is what this blogging world gives us, some kindred spirits. I lack writing ability but use to lose myself in books and love reading blogs that make me feel like i'm not so weird and alone, that there are people out there that i can relate too. I try to reach out more but after a recent rejection i fear i withdrawn even more. I can certainly understand your daughter.
ReplyDeleteNick:
ReplyDeletePhew! Next time I'm in Ireland you and Jenny and I HAVE to get together!!!!
Martian. Yes. I find I have more of a hunger than ever for kindred spirits that understand each other!!
Martians over here please!
XO
WWW
Twain:
ReplyDeleteMaybe when we are rejected we move along, no? I am sensitive to that too and lick the wounds for a while until I gather the armour to face the next.
I've often said (and posted about) my missing layer of skin as compared to others.
I feel the world too much. Glad I'm not alone!
XO
WWW
I can relate WWW! My interest in astrology and my political views are so outside of what even those closest to me can fully share, I'm still a loner in many ways, even though I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteThere have been interludes in the past when I've had staunch allies - but that was in another lifetime.
Still, things aren't so bad - I can rattle the old keyboard, and read around the net, finding places like your ever engaging blog, WWW.
I have spent a number of months now in a sort of self-imposed isolation.. though I see my husband every day and share my time with my two dogs and two cats.. but I get it, what you wrote. There is so much I can identify with in there.
ReplyDeleteI too love spending time alone, especially at my home in the woods, only occasionally craving the outside world, like the time I found an ant crawling in my hair and thought "Wow, I should probably go find some people." But after I've enjoyed someone's company for a while I always look so forward to just being alone again, to recharge and just be.
"Rattle around the Net" - lovely this, T.
ReplyDeleteI often think my blog friends (some of whom I've met in real life)are the ones who understand me, and I them, the most.
Though I, too, in another life, had understanding compadres.
XO
WWW
Heather:
ReplyDeleteYes, I truly look forward to being alone after time spent with others.
I often just want to savour and reflect and recharge.
Read.
Or just bliss in the silence with my canine companion who demands so little of me.
XO
WWW
We never heard of 'personal space' when we were growing up. The longer I live alone the more selfish I have become with my space.
ReplyDeleteI often say that with our blog friends we get to know them from the inside first, without the distraction of the wrapping. Only once in almost six years of blogging have I found someone that I didn't like. All of the people that I have met in person through blogging, have been wonderful, generous and caring people.
I'll always feel like an outsider looking in. On the plus side I've gone from pretty well the least popular girl in class to one who has to turn down invitations to find time for myself as an adult. Nevertheless I am still aware of an 'otherness' between myself and other people, even when having the most wonderful social time. But ultimately I think one only has to be serious about the things that matter in life. Everything else can be taken pretty lightheartedly as most of it's pretty absurd anyway when you think about it.
ReplyDeleteAs for family snubs, perhaps your relations think your daughter is a loner and that is why they do not invite her to join them. It's incredible how much happens on the basis of misunderstandings or mistaken assumptions. Only if she is more pro-active and they still don't invite her will she know for sure if they are being deliberately thoughtless.
GM:
ReplyDeleteAnd personal space has always been important to me, not that I knew the term either.
So far all my "blogmeats" have been tremendous, truly kindred spirits.
XO
WWW
Laura:
ReplyDeleteA refreshing take on everything.
Thanks, as always.
XO
WWW
I would say I live in my head much of the time. I'm a real day dreamer and there is nothing I love as much as a good book, a nice place to read and a cat on my lap.
ReplyDeleteI do think it is nessecary to reach out to people as much as possible if you feel too alone. Rather than waiting for people to realize your car is down, I think you would find others are happy to have a chance to help out if they know you need it. I would suggest to your daughter that she ignore her feelings of being left out and just reach out to the other family members. If she thinks she is being excluded, why would they do that to her? Everyone is leading far too busy lives if you ask me and it is easy to think we don't have time for others. And to overlook how other people are feeling and what they are dealing with in their lives. I would like to be non-busy. We think being busy means we are important. I've gotten over my need to feel important and now I would like to get over my need to tell people how busy I am!
I love to have time alone but I know I would not like to live alone. I find the more I can do for other people the better I feel about life in general.
This post made me think a lot about myself and my own self imposed solitariness. I wonder if I'm not a bit of a misanthrope. But then I have to wonder why I am and that goes too deep. I'd rather live in oblivion.
ReplyDelete"For after all I am the change I wish to see in the world, right?"
ReplyDeleteYou're also an inspiration.
my friend kay turned me on to your blog, and this is the post that grabbed me. nobody understands the shy side of extroversion, and will deny it if you tell them about it. that's my first comment. and my other is that i think you should reach out in your writing if nowhere else, because people need to see deep rather than light and fluffy, they need to see you working thru shit, to see you vulnerable and alone. because they feel the same, and have no company. and you have a voice, so it's almost an obligation, because you can touch others right here on your blog. the fact that your 'family' and 'friends' reject what you say is to be expected - what's it say in the bible about a prophet never being listened to at home?
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said. I love being alone! A snowstorm or heatwave and the whole world stands still for me - me and all the other people out there who I know must feel as I do. Blogging is perfect for people like us. There is so little we can do about the state of the world and the failings of mankind - it is good to escape from the pressure of it. I force myself out of too much isolation by inviting a neighbour[s]/friend for coffee on Friday mornings and another friend and I go for breakfast every Sunday morning. Thank you for again putting words to feelings I might not be able to speak out loud. You are a sweetie. You are a creative.
ReplyDeletetake care,
Betty