I must have written about this before. Acceptance.
One thing I know for sure. It is not a constant. It waffles and wavers and falls down and gets up in a different form. It can leave the room slowly or gallop off like a horse.
I'm still not 100% of where I was even a few weeks ago. I have Grandgirl staying with me and it really puts my health into a floodlit situation being around her. The energy my dears, the energy is just not there. And I have had many a private cry and an appalling one in front of her this morning after a miserable night of it.
Don't get me wrong. She is amazing and kind and lovely. Just this pity pot seems very handy for me to stick my head in now and again when I am alone.
I feel the Black Dog lurking patiently, panting in eagerness. And I know I am struggling one more time with the acceptance of my failing body.
I had to get another chest X-ray this week and I hauled myself off but I couldn't get parking and so I circled the hospital for about an hour, just about whimpering. Acceptance I kept saying to myself. Ask for help. Stop feeling like such a burden. One friend could use any money I offer her to assist me as she is impoverished at the moment. Rise up. Count the blessings. Accept where you are and carry on.
As I type Grandgirl is making supper. Kale and tortellini and goat cheese, etc. There is an odd shifting of balance between us. Inevitable. I am so grateful I live long enough to see her grow into this lovely, brilliant young woman who has a wonderful future ahead of her. She's a happy person. Content with her life and her partner and her large circle of friends.
I am reminded of my own beloved granny who didn't do so well in her latter years. One of her daughters insisted on her leaving her home and moving in with her and her rambunctious household that also included her mother-in-law and that was not a good move. Granny missed her village and her friends and her chickens and dog. Independence is truly all important in our senior years as long we it is even remotely manageable. Closing our own doors on the world when we need to. I imagine as I fall into some decrepitude Granny is haunting me a little. But she also had the huge burden of a dead daughter (my mother) which was devastating for her.
I need to accept life as it is today and move away from the "not any mores" and the "neverness" of things I won't be able for again.
Just writing all this turbulence down has really helped me today.
Acceptance.
I need to work on it some more.
Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI find acceptance (like time) a very elastic commodity. Some days are MUCH better than others.
Circling the hospital I am pretty certain I would have been wailing rather than whimpering. I may also have (in my mother's words) 'cried a puddle big enough to drown myself in'.
I do hope you can keep the Black Dog kennelled (and refuse to feed it as well).
Very elastic indeed, EC. Like most of life and our reactions to it in all its forms. My mother's expression was ::"Your bladder is very near your eyes at the moment!"
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It sounds like your blog is a life saver when you need to get something off your chest. Keep the comments coming and we will continue to read them.
ReplyDeleteThank you Chris, we can't only write when life is perfect but also when life is just unmanageable. It helps to be anonymous I suppose :)
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Dear WWW...I'm relieved to know that you have your granddaughter with you, with lots of huggable moments to ease that creeping anxiety.
ReplyDeleteI suspect that the time of year has a bit to do with your occasional darkness. I'm having trouble getting to grips with it all this time around, even though I'm happy to still be here for another Christmas-time, it's tiring. I keep telling Himself "I'm too old for this sh.t!"
Feel better soon, WWW!
Thank you T. Much better now. A few days in the country behind me!!
DeleteI do hope you're feeling OK too. I think OK is a great achievement considering the year behind you!
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A hard thing all around.
ReplyDeleteYou also are lucky to have people who love you, near you, hug her for me. I, a stranger, appreciate her. It makes me feel better for you ,knowing she is close.
Acceptance, sometimes for me comes in stages , trying to fight off what seems to be my latest weakness.
It should help a lot when you are feeling better.
On a lighter note, there is almost always a parking spot right in front of the door. ;) Even if you have to make one.
They are rather generous with expensive tickets here for illegal parking, GP.
DeleteIt's been a terrific few days, I am well taken care of out in the country.
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It always helps to write things down and read them again at a later date. I'm very glad you have your grand daughter there with you. Is there some other way of getting to the hospital? Perhaps a taxicab there and back so you don't have to worry about parking?
ReplyDeleteI am cheap with myself in the oddest of ways River, taxis being one of them. A little insanity there, I know. I think I will engage a friend to take me and wheelchair me to the correct lab.
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You have my whole heartfull of sympathy. I can only say, you back slowly into your limitations and are thankful for your help.
ReplyDeleteThanks Joanne, I know you understand and some days are just stones, and then the diamonds come too.
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It's not a question but I wonder if you take anything to help with depression. I would do anything to avoid the stress of parking at a hospital and I rarely do. As River says, writing things down can be very beneficial.
ReplyDeleteNo I don't take any mind altering stuff, Andrew, though interestingly far too many friends do which flatlines them. I'd rather experience the highs and lows. Life with all its variants.
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It must be hard to accept physical limitations when you're used to a busy, active life. As you say, you can only accept things as they are now and not dwell too much on what used to be.
ReplyDeleteExactly Nick, it is a form of grief and frustration at what I can't do, and I believe it a process. And I will do better with it.
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Acceptance -- or lack of it -- is my great challenge these years. I often forget,too, that that's what is needed, and then I suffer. Remembering helps in those moments. -Kate
ReplyDeleteYes, meditation helps and certainly gratitude but some days it just isn't enough to quell the whining inner bratvoice.
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Yup. We want what we want, and we DON'T WANT what we DON'T WANT.
DeleteSigned, Speaking for Myself
Well, as everyone loves to say: Enjoy what's left of your life. Enjoy it to the hilt. Aloha from Hawaii, dear friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you Gigi, I am doing my best to do exactly that but some days clobber me into a whimper. :)
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Acceptance is a daily figth. Keep up the good figth. Hugs from Denmark.
ReplyDeleteThank you Uglmor. Hugs, all hugs, very much appreciated!!
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A day later but never too late! Good that you have your blog to share not only your highs but your lows. After all, what are true friends about? We strong, independent females always I think feel worse than most when we are "down." I've always admired your strength, humor and intelligence. Yes, finally accepting the cards we've been dealt with always brings some peace. Gentle hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Regina. I like to be honest, sharing everything going on, as others might think I have a star-crossed life and in many ways I do. For instance, many friends would kill to have a granddaughter pay so much attention to them as mine does to me,
Deletesame with Daughter and Niece. I am surrounded with three strong loving young women.
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Hugs from here for you. My mother always said to take a day at a time and keep life simple. Wisdom gained after a stay in a mental hospital complete with shock therapy. She survived for 50 years after that. These words often come back to me as one who needs them often. I wish a good day for you today and in the days to come. With love.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mary. Keep life simple is one of mine and the most recent one I am so mindful of today is "Do only what brings you joy" and I am following that to the letter.
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Putting it down and sharing with your well-wishers certainly helps. I can assure you that what you go through is not uncommon and most oldies go through such phases on and off. Acceptance, while a good mantra can take one only so far and no further. Finding things to occupy oneself with helps as I can vouch for from personal experience.
ReplyDeleteI send you best wishes that you snap out of this phase and get back to your usual sunny spirits.
Thank you Ramana, I know you understand with your COPD and your own limitations. Adjusting our sails as we cruise into elderhood. Acceptance in other words. And gratitude. I am in much better space today.
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Sending you good thoughts from Ohio! I never miss your blog (even though I rarely comment). My two cents: call the hospital about valet parking. Most hospitals have it for free. (Although the friend idea is wonderful; helps her & gives you company.) I so enjoy your writing, and your honesty w/all that is ongoing. Sláinte!
ReplyDeleteThank you Elle. Valet parking, LOL. No, not out here. The assumption always is choose from your nine siblings to drive you or your dozen kids. No longer true of course with so many of us living alone and children geographically distant or working. Slainte back!!
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Acceptance is a tough one - I've come to the conclusion that it's something you have to do over and over.
ReplyDeleteYou're granddaughter sounds like a wonderful young woman.
Yes, a daily exercise SAW. She is an amazing person. I learn so much from her about life and joy. She is truly one of the most fulfilled and contented people I know. She's been organizing me since she was 10. Born that way. Has travelled (and worked) in many countries of the world with a backpack.
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They say that writing down your sad/angry/depressing thoughts helps a bit, maybe a lot. I don't doubt it but rarely do it. I admit to seriously sanitizing my thoughts and feelings before writing or typing them and I admire you for using your blog in this way. This business of aging has its good moments but also some very bad ones.
ReplyDeleteMy (basic) anonymity helps but then again, I do wonder why we are so afraid of showing our true selves, I was thinking just before I saw your comment Annie that the big question would be how much of our lives is pretence? Is it useful, are we happier for it, etc.
DeleteSome terrible moments, I agree, in the aging process.
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