*English spelling.
I was thinking this morning about how much is someone's life made up of pretence? Acting as if we're happy. Acting as if stuff doesn't bother us. Being brave when we feel like crying quietly on our beds. Is it a disservice to ourselves and/or others. Do we do some things out of a sense of duty even though we don't want to, or is this pure selfishness on our parts. What is selfishness? Is it firm boundaries?
I then read my previous post's comments and a commenter had affirmed my using my blog has an honest recounting of feelings and emotions while others hold back. Why? Fear of exposure? Exposure to what exactly? Derision, contempt, disrespect?
A pile on of questions here.
I think many of us are afraid of shunning by those close to us. I have been shunned by family for speaking my mind, for not toeing the line, for not behaving myself, for not reaching whatever standard bar they had set for me. For not being myself in other words. And you know what? The worst happened. They shunned me anyway. And I survived. And life was a little easier as I didn't have to walk on the eggshells I used to walk: Not being overly feminist, not mentioning male privilege, not being critical of male violence, not speaking up to defend the defenceless, not talking about the wreckage of childhood and the influence of the RC church and its vicious control on so-called "family values" resulting in my decision to emigrate from all who would support me in a kinder world in my worst moment which should have been my best.
So yeah, I speak up. And try to set my boundaries, and do what brings me joy and not suffer under the halter of duty or obligation. But it's taken me 76 years to get here. 76 effing years. My 25 year old Grandgirl is galaxies ahead of me when I was that age. For one, she is extremely well educated, her tolerance of crap is zero, her boundaries are clear, her opinions are well thought out and she can argue them intelligently and quietly and reasonably, her self esteem being always intact.
Old age is not easy, acceptance is not easy, but some days, like today, give me room for reflection and careful consideration.
And I can nod quietly to myself and think: It's a good day, there has been joy.
And it's a good day when I read your post. I know that life has sort of knocked the wind out of your sails as of late, but you stay out there, waiting for the next breeze, thinking about where you are sitting, how you got there, and knowing another breeze will come. Your writing encourages me.
ReplyDeleteThank you DKZ - honestly you have added more joy to my day by hearing me and validating my feelings so beautifully with your own writing. Yes other breezes do come, much to my surprise at times!
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You have a lot to grieve about, particularly your congestive heart failure. I hope it gets better than worse. Some people can live a long time with proper treatment.
ReplyDeleteYes, I am quite hopeful, thank you Gigi. I am having a splendid day today. I so enjoy them when that happens!
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Haha, I think it might have been my comment that inspired this post! For me, I know that certain family members and community associates do read my blog, maybe not regularly but at least occasionally. That definitely is a consideration for me but I am not sure that I am pretending to be something I am not, just avoiding conversations I do not wish to have. Is that pretence? Maybe. But while I have read about the good effects of writing about one's feelings if only privately (in fact, especially privately!), I don't do it. I don't keep a private journal and I try to avoid putting such things in email because I am way too quick to hit Send in a bit of a temper. I had a rather awful experience as a young mother saying something in a moment of "weakness" that had repercussions for decades after. Learned a very bitter lesson. Nevertheless I admire your honesty. And joy is precious.
ReplyDeleteI hear you Annie. Yes, avoidance is necessary and I don't think it is pretending. Our secret selves (inside selves?) can remain so. There is much I don't share either. Particularly present tense stuff or worries which don't hit the blog as I am never sure what family members read it.
DeleteWe all carry pain and repercussions can be many as I have learned over the years. Even an attempt at healing can be cause for distrust and superficiality in the after-relationship.
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I hear you. Any day with a smidge of joy, a smidge of beauty, a smidge of learning is a good day.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, there is always an element of pretence. Sometimes because I don't want to bore people, sometimes because I am not ready to share the warts. Trust comes into that equation too.
Hugs.
Totally EC. Trust can be difficult. Especially after huge hurt. I hold a lot in in my day to day interactions except with a few as we have given each other permission to have whines which usually end up in laughter. I am so grateful for laughter.
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I avoid pretense (pardon the spelling, but I'm American), but often try to act "as if", because it brightens my mood, improves my relationships, and makes me more likely to accomplish whatever it is I want to do. Btw, I like your sunsets.
ReplyDeleteYes, some can handle the "as if" quite well, even tho as a sensitive I can detect it in others. So a meaningful friendship is not possible unless there is a breakdown in the barrier. I sometimes think I am too intense perhaps.
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Indeed, we all pretend so much and hide our real selves. Sometimes for good reasons - we don't want to hurt or shock someone - and sometimes for bad reasons - we're just afraid of the reaction, or afraid of being rejected. I try to be as frank as I can in my blog but I don't always succeed. I like the way you try to be equally frank, especially about things like depression which many people still hide.
ReplyDeleteYes most are ashamed of their depressions and like I've mentioned here, so many are sedated into a kind of flat lining. Neither happy or sad. But eventually those tranqs are not longer effective and they suffer incredibly.
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I always feel better after I read your blog and comments.
ReplyDeleteIt is like a pow-wow of sorts.
Were we can share thoughts and actions. Rejoice , cry out or cry , whatever is needed.
Thank you GP, I do try and stay honest about my own life and emotions no matter how others can judge my forthrightness. We need to do this. I was not prepared for the challenges of aging apart from the blogs I read which let it all out.
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As you clearly do, I admire how well many young people do without the advantages I had. Fortunately none of my family have extreme opposite views to mine. I would not want to shun or be shunned by any of them. My partner has issues with my sister, and I do walk on eggshells between them. The real problem is that Sister is always worried about offending R or doing something wrong, so she is always too wishy washy around him. I can only argue back to him, she is my sister. What can I do? Anyway, this is your post, not mine, sorry. We call live in some kind of pretence. I certainly do. The price of not doing so is too high. I don't know how it happened but the Ireland you left even now still with strong RC church influence, is very different now.
ReplyDeleteYes Andrew you confirm that not all is sunny and some relationships are really challenging to negotiate. Fear of offence can be debilitating to all. Yes the Ireland I left is quite different now (gay, dark-skinned PM for one)but it was too late to return as my life was so well established here and women's rights were still not enshrined in law up to a few years ago. And very, very judgey and intolerant still in many ways.
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I can envy your grand daughter who is much like my own, with well thought out opinions and able to argue intelligently. Neither of which I can do. Perhaps on paper where I have time to formulate sentences, but not in real life where even conversation is too fast for me to get a grip on.
ReplyDeleteI chuckled at your comment River, as I, too, am much better at writing than at reasoned verbal debate! In such conversations I want to write down my own reasoning, make 10 copies and pass them around. :D
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Me too.
DeleteI came to wish you a Merry Christmas. I read your post and all the comments. Now I sit thinking about how I handle the pretense, and whether it's the way I want to handle it. The verdict is not in yet. I'm still thinking. Thanks for the prompt.
ReplyDeleteThank you Linda. It takes much energy, this pretence business, as I have pondered it. Interesting too, as I pretensed some texts and emails today, shoving reality aside and letting the cliches flow. And then thinking of memories and maybe how a dose of reality would scare others completely.
DeleteAll the merries and joy of the season back to you!
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Thank you for your blog. I learn so much for the few blogs I read anymore. At my age, I want honesty and telling from the heart. I don't think we have to tell all as it is good to keep somethings to onself. I pray every day that I may have an open mind and an open heart so that I may have a new experience this day. For me, it tends to make me live in wonder of this life I live. Took me a long time to get here but very much changed my outlook Keep on sharing
ReplyDeleteOh we have to keep some little bits for ourselves. I know I did at a bare all session a few nights ago. Not from any fear but some things we treasure and can't quite help not sharing it!
DeleteBut platitudes are boring and cliches and tropes even worse, so I avoid them.
thank you for your kind words and best wishes for you in 2020.
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Excellent post, as always. I think once I got divorced, I gave up all pretense. Having survived a horrendous marriage and finally getting my kids and me free, I have no time for that.
ReplyDeleteChristmas greetings from sunny Ohio! Hope your day is a beautiful one, and may we have a wonderful 2020! And I know we will, because we're going to make it so!
Thank you Elle for your good wishes, yes 2020 dawns and even the sound of it delights me.
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You write so good ..... I was wondering if i gcan get some guidence in writting ...merry christmash
ReplyDeleteI accept that neither old age nor acceptance is easy but I have never had to resort to pretence for any reason. I have not been accepted by some people for various reasons but, I have just moved on considering that as their loss not mine. I have never pretended to like somethings or some people when I did not in fact and have never had to face any problems because of that.
ReplyDeleteWow thats extremely wonderful I actually have detected a brand new app dr. ryan shephard this app is nice and that i have started gazing it.Thanks for the assistance and suggesting the matter i'll travel with it.Keep publication and writing new article.
ReplyDeleteOh ploop dither dither.
ReplyDeleteHope it made you grin WWW.
My dear, I hope you realize this comment wasn't meant for you writing but the unwanted comments.
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