Ben Bulben
The last 3 lines of W. B. Yeats' poem. I sat there one time under the shadow of Ben Bulben and read the entire poem. And looked up finally and saw that of all people, the Clancy Brothers were there too, to pay their respects. Gobsmacked doesn't cover it.
Under bare Ben Bulben's head
In Drumcliff churchyard Yeats is laid,
An ancestor was rector there
Long years ago; a church stands near,
By the road an ancient Cross.
No marble, no conventional phrase,
On limestone quarried near the spot
By his command these words are cut:
Cast a cold eye
On life, on death.
Horseman, pass by!
Simple and powerful.
sent by a few in the mail. With their photos. The Big C has taken most of them.
I can't even count the real life friends who have died. Another twenty five? Two of whom are also seriously ill right now.
All this to say, it accounts for extreme loneliness at times, wishing for that physical shoulder to lean on, the understanding, the depth of compassion and caring that comes from really old friends, the ones who climbed trees with you or cribbed your homework.
I am going through a very rough patch at the moment. Someone I love deeply is going through a sudden and rapid life changing ordeal. And the world is being turned on its axle.
I have tried sharing my depth of sadness out here but have been abandoned, one time physically in mid sentence, a couple of times (I haven't shared it hardly at all) by those on text who are my closer newer friends who live nearby but these have never followed up with questions about how am I doing, and get on with their own demands on my time as if this terrible thing isn't happening.
And speaking of time, I am so very grateful I am busy and involved with three different projects, I light a candle and play some gentle music and sing some of the old songs I would sing on stage back in the day. Self-soothing.
I am very grateful for a blog friend who stays in touch every day as we lurch along together with many challenges but have the honesty to spill it out and commiserate.
But yes, loneliness stalks me like never before while still grateful I am on this side of the daisies as I view an afterlife as twaddle.
But I think we only hit this point of life when we survive and outlive our dearies and look around us when hurting and go whoa, Nelly, where are they all gone?
My dad. a widower forever, described it to me one time but I didn't listen, there must have been pain in his voice but I didn't notice. I blithely said "Da, why don't you make some new friends?"
Karma. Ta, Da.
Before I hit the post button, I dove into other memento mori posts I have written over the years and was astonished at how many there were. All the old lovers are dead now, the last one in September.
Western culture doesn't I believe deal with death, grief, loneliness, or sorrow well. We know we can't 'fix' it and don't know what to say - so we too often say nothing. Which compounds the pain.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I so agree EC. We have good post-death support but pre-death? None. So many avoid all talk of it and I'm seeing that up close and personal. The don't know how to deal with it and emotionally if not physically, walk away.
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I am glad you have one blog friend who reaches out every day. I know it isn't me, because I am very bad about keeping in touch and completely hopeless at the sharing and caring part. Maybe because I didn't grow up "close" with anyone, or maybe it's just the way I'm wired.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is wired differently and nurtured or not nurtured differently. I witnessed a lot of support for those faced with the death of loved one, or the loved one dying when I was growing up. I hope I am the same but understand those who have to remove themselves.
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It is so very hard to watch someone we love in pain. I like that you self soothe with song. In the past I have sung favourite songs until they were burned into my being. It's good to also have a shoulder to lean on.
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago I wrote about the death of a long ago colleague. Since then the other man on the same team has made an untimely exit. They were both giants of men in their own way. It's disconcerting.
Kia haha
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Kia kaha, that should be
DeleteYes, I agree Kylie, some people I worked with left a lasting impression. One I really loved, she was such a sparkle of a woman died recently from The Big C at the age of 53 which broke my heart, her eldest and my grandgirl shared the same age and name.
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Lighting a candle and singing all the old, good songs seems too me like a good way of handling grief and loneliness. And I agree with EC, modern westerners do indeed deal badly with death and diseases. The harmless ones, we speak about like forever, and people who survived tell their stories, but us "left behind" (for lack of a proper word) are almost never heard.
ReplyDeleteBecause I do not run away or go blank face, when people mention lethal diseases or imminent death, I hear more than my share of stories like yours. It is sad, it is tough, but as you put it yourself, the alternative is not alluring. So let's keep on keeping on and catching what kind words, sunrays and flowers we can.
I am maybe not good at reaching out - I know I'm not - but I think I'm good at listening.
It's a terribly lonely place which is the reason I wrote it. We need to change it. Desperately. I am sure I'm not alone right now in dealing with the pain and potential loss of a dear one.
DeleteI am so glad you don't go all nice face when someone shares pain with you.
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I am not your age, so I can't say too much about how you feel. I do feel sad for you. Maybe things will change in time, and while I miss my life companion so much, I am reasonably happy on my own. I do have irregular family contact but I can ask them for anything within reason. I've never had a close friend, a confident. I suppose that says something about me.
ReplyDeleteDo you remember Irish songs? It may make you sad but also be helpful. Sing them. Sing them out loudly. Maybe doing so will release some pent up grief.
I particularly love the laments during this time Andrew, a particular characteristic of the Irish in dealing with the pain and suffering. Also humour can be helpful. I've used dark humour on this dear one and it cracks him up. I love to hear him laugh or tell me to eff off out of it.
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I now have more dead friends than live ones and I'm about to turn 65. The average lifespan at this time for someone with my disability is between 30 and 70. None of the departed were yet 70. I sympathize.
ReplyDeleteOMG e, I am so sorry to read this. How lonely for you. How hard it is to carry your memories of these relationships alone.
DeleteVale of tears. I wish I had a dog, I really do. But not allowed in this building. I've always had dogs and I surprise myself by suddenly weeping over them at times.
They are a comfort and I am so happy you have Mercy.
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Daily contact with my only sister in Ireland has diminished to once a week, always initiated by me. Her husband won't confirm or deny possible dementia.
ReplyDeleteMy closest friend from school has dementia; I sit with her as she discusses the possibility of her Dad selling this family home that we're sitting in, in Enniskerry.
We're actually sitting in a care home in Bristol.
Two confidents I can no longer confide in.
Just say the word Mary and I'll happily become one of your regular emailers.
Oh thank you YS, you are so generous. I love your comments here, always so truthful. I am so sorry about your sister and your friend. A close friend of mine has dementia as well. Very bad.
DeleteMy oldest friend from school has an ugly form of cancer but has never been one to open up about anything emotional.
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Moving set up lonliness like a lion for me. Most work and local friends, I thought, ceased to stay in touch. I fought through social media, shutting it down more than once. Family only wanted to text and friction from misinterpretion grew. And in a new town, not active with work I grew increased confusion and isolated more. I was in a horrible dark season. We became financially impaired too which was scary. With reaching out to mental health groups, a creative group, and others who were struggling too, I was abound with "meaning in life" new reading and art and learning it's OK to be at this point of a more centered self identifying period. Being alone is OK, still not easy and I have great fear I will die alone homeless. So much I want to still grasp in life especially as time goes so much more quickly. I've gone off topic, I'm sad you didn't have a connection when most needed. It doesn't take much for anyone to just said, how can I help! There was a medical show, they'd say that. I carry my heart on my shoulder, I grow tears just from viewing those in hardship on the side of the road. Empath I guess. I'm new to following, newly returning to writing again too. But I am putting my hand out to you, how can I help. I read you, I feel you. I love your voice. 💞🙌
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely thing to say CJ, I will use that more myself. Your words are helping me and I do hope you find a community that supports you in your fear of homelessness, far too common for us elders these days. Terrible uncertainty in the world as a whole.
DeleteStay in touch, please.
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I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time. If only all your faithful reader friends could be there to hug you as we would wish ... imagine ...
ReplyDeleteI do believe there is something going on after we die; but believing (and hoping?) is not the same as knowing. Having people go out of our lives in quantity, as they do when we reach our elder years, has got to be one of the most painful experiences. I wish I knew how to find beauty in it somehow. Does that sound stupid. I think maybe.
I always feel hugged when I post my hurts. It's so healing to put it out there and with a couple of rare exceptions, loving words roll back at me. There is beauty in a life well lived and we need to talk about that more and the honour we give loved ones who are exiting.
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Gosh you do sound sad and for a good reason with you going through a hard time. A close friend of mine's daughter committed suicide and my friend moved right away, because she said so many people crossed the road when they saw her. . I've stayed friends with her over the years and we even had holidays together. She met and married some one and moved again.. we still keep in touch. Hope something happy happens for you.
ReplyDeleteChris how awful that your friend had that happen in her time of greatest need. Like I said up above, somewhere, people don't know how to handle those who are suffering so much. As if it's catching or they have now words so turn their faces away. I'm so glad you are there for her.
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I don't know what to say. I still have Jenny and I haven't lost any close friends or anyone dear to me so luckily I'm not in the same situation. We oldies need ways of making new friends to replace the ones we have lost, but there are no obvious ways of doing that.
ReplyDeleteNot easy making new friends as we age. Though I have to admit I am feeling close to my new writing group, especially today when I suggested when we break up for the summer we should stay in touch via spontaneous coffee meetups and the reaction was so enthusiastic I got teary.
DeleteSo a sliver of hope.
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How are you doing? It helps to talk about the person you love, much and often. I hope you will consider doing so, even if only here on your blog. I lost the love of my life last year, and his absence still feels like a physical ache, one that brings me to tears almost daily. Grief has its way with one, there's no hurrying it, no bowing to our culture's ideas of how long it should last. Please keep talking about how you're doing.
ReplyDeleteOh Jadie I am so sorry to read this. How awful for you, what a huge hole dug into your heart and spirit.
Deleteof course you are crying. A lot. I find journal writing helps some too, to put the feelings (and even rage at being left behind) is clarifying and healing.
Please stay in touch.
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It is hard...people with whom you shared so much life, gone. Unable to hear their voice, their laugh, their advice. I so often want to call my sister or one of my friends, now long gone, and tell them some updates, or gossip I heard, and see what they have to tell me. Crickets...nothing there. Terry and I are talking of celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary next year. There is no family left, either side, except our daughter, son-in-law, grandchildren, and their extended family. I said, this morning, they are the family we have and we should try to do something together, for who knows how much longer we can do that.
ReplyDeleteOMG Delaine, yes. I pick up the phone too with a fresh pun for R, one of my dearest friends who collected these idiocies, and I have to swallow down the tears. A hug gaping hole in my heart. Still It'll be 3 years next week.
DeleteAnd others too, that I could lean on when times got rough and their advice was wonderful.
Loneliness walks beside us.
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I understand. Watching friends leave one by one myself. This is the hardest part of aging--- not the aches and pains, but the steady dribble of loss. Hugs, dear wisewebwoman. It takes a quiet strength to soldier on.
ReplyDeleteThanks GS, so good to have understanding ears. I had the great fortune of making many close friends (lack of a permanent partner I believe helped in that) of both sexes. 90% are gone. Poof. Another friend (younger than I) phoned me a few days ago to tell me she now understands and she was sobbing as another friend just passed. Her closest are now gone too. We only grasp it when we are of that age of losing. It's incomprehensible before.
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I am so sorry for the sadness. I read your remark,
ReplyDelete"I view afterlife as twaddle"
You're such a gifted writer that I worry that I am hopelessly awkward in comparison, or worse, that you will think i am harassing you. But I meant this with all sincerity: Jesus wants light and life for you, and for you to be with Him in eternity. See these sites for far better expression: mwtb.org/blogspot or billygrahamchannel.org. Thanks for reading my comments.
Sorry, can't believe in the Invisible Cosmic Housekeeper but go ahead and do your thing and I'll do mine. In peace.
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