I have a friend who is continually let down by the world's reality. She lives in a disneyfied version of our world. I made up that word myself but surely it has been thought of up prior to this? (I checked, it has).
She is over sixty, never married and lived with her parents for the last thirty years of her life. On her own now since her dad died last year nudging towards 100 years old. Her dad took care of everything, meals, bills, repairs and she had to ask him every time she needed the car.
She is continually disappointed in a world where parents divorce, children become estranged from parents or hit drugs or drop out.
I blame the movies for this. All those happy endings. Life is not a happy ending proposition. She is addicted to feel good series and fairytale types of films.
Since her father died, she has filled the house with six cats (it's not a large house) and visiting her is a bit of challenge, I am not good with cats crawling over me. If you have one or two cats, that's fine. But a roomful I find hard to take.
She is extraordinarily judgey on her five siblings. They do not fit the picture of Happy Families by a long shot. She is the youngest, the baby of the family, and I have pointed out to her that their lived experience with their parents is far, far different to hers. She was an "oops" as her parents were in their forties when she was born with the rest of their family just about raised. She bemoans that they are not close and refuse to visit her with the six cats as they are (a) not allowed to bring their dogs into the house and (b) think she is gone over the edge with so many cats.
She loves hearing stories of my five siblings and I and our weekly zoom calls even though I assure her we are unusual in this. For 'tis a rare thing indeed to be on line every Sunday afternoon for nearly four years and never running out of interesting conversations. We all make the time for this. And no, we did not come out of a happy families environment. We have created this haven through hard work and much therapy for some of us.
I know she is not alone as I know so many going around disappointed in what life throws at them. Jealous, "it's fine for you" type of resentment oozing from every pore. As if rose gardens are given to the rest of us. And I do blame Hollywood and the Father Knows Best type of crap that was served up on television.
Me? I love the dark side of life, the depressions, the deaths, the loss of one's footing for a while, overcoming disaster and loss and disappointment, adapting to shitty circumstances. Inspiring stuff. Brave stuff.
Knowing in my heart that any kind of contentment (screw happiness) is entirely of our own making and never, ever comes from outside of ourselves.
I'm OK with the dark stuff, but not all the f... time! We need good times in between!
ReplyDeleteNever all the time Charlotte as all the time would be in not being content with the peaceful and satisfying times as we would not recognise it :)
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You are spot-on regarding contentment. It is a choice some of us have to make actively each day, and thanks for that reminder as I have been living in frustration lately instead of gratitude.
ReplyDeletee I believe we have to suffer greatly to understand contentment when it arrives at our door as we have effin worked for it :)
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I don't believe in the disnified version of life and don't trust it either. And yes, one of my sisters in law leans firmly in that direction.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to listen to. Jesus is always involved too as he will make things better if the prayers are just right. Us Godless Wonders will miss out on the Disney World of the Invisible Cosmic Housekeeper.
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I too came along late in my parents' life and my sister (17 years older than me) often said I was raised by different parents than she and my brother. I had it very easy compared to them. But, I did leave home after I graduated from college but my mother would have liked me to have lived with her the rest of her life.
ReplyDeleteThat's the dilemma of the oopses, Delaine. My only sister was one too and my father had a tantrum when she decided to get married as our mum died when she was 13. I had long escaped.
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In your second last paragraph you summed up the life of most people.
ReplyDeleteYoungest child, lived at home her whole life. Never had to worry about the next bill. I get the picture.
And to add to the rest of the family's intolerance of her is that Dad left an enormous trust fund for her and the house but she asks them regularly to buy the new appliances or major repairs. She did leave home for a while but came running back after suffering a disability at work.
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My sister was an oops. 11+ years younger than me and definitely raised by different parents. We are the remains of the elders of the family, and are good friends. She also is a steely realist who has protected my disneyville younger daughter's children from their mother. I couldn't handle the drama; my sister just said "get over yourself!"
ReplyDeleteDifferent perspectives by different siblings, Johanne. Never fails to astonish me. I feel incredibly lucky that my fam are quite open about therapy, etc. though we had the "rats in the attic" dynamic for more years than I care to count until the two eldest (me and bro) opened up about our therapy.
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Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood by Wayne Muller. My favorite book title of all time. I didn't like the book so much, but the title says it all for me. I'm happy most of the time and it's because life hasn't always been easy. (I'm 83 and have never wanted to be younger than I am.)
ReplyDeleteI read a book called "Strong in the Broken Places" years ago, CM, and it opened up all the abuse and more importantly my self protective behaviour learned at an early age and carried into adult relationships and addiction.
DeleteI'm with you on aging. I will be 80 in August and I have no time for those who tell me I "don't look it." What's it meant to look like? I've earned every wrinkle.
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Knowing that contentment comes from within, I still prefer the happy ending types of movies. After watching and listening to the dark side on the news (and through the walls here sometimes), I like to be "uplifted" with a happy movie or TV series that ends well each episode.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who arrived in the world after her single mother had an affair with a married man. This was in the 50's in Queensland which is known to be behind the rest of Australia. All this is to say that of all people, she has known hardship and lonliness and dysfunction but tuts loudly at the fact that my kids don't celebrate with the father on Father's Day.
ReplyDeleteWho knows how people's minds work.
I genuinely wish that people (especially people I care about) didn't have to suffer hard times but I also know hard times can be the making of us.
And I've never loved Disney. Dark and light reality all the way for me
Will I never learn to proof read? "their father" and loneliness
DeleteI understand only too well, Kylie, some get the short end of the stick but I admire most those who get the help to surmount the past and reach a form of acceptance and find a passion somewhere, somehow. My friend hasn't any of this, goes to therapy all the time and comes out of it just the same as she went in. Thumb twiddling and bemoaning an imperfect life since her dad died is so sad to see.
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Annie here. My grandmother grew up the youngest of a large family in Edinburgh. After her older siblings began to move out and get married, she soon realized that she was meant to stay home and look after dear old mum. She hopped a ship headed to Canada, landed in Montreal and went to a travelling circus in town at the time. Met a handsome young man working at the circus and the rest was history. Sometimes the youngest daughter defies fate.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great story Annie. I have a cousin who was trapped as the only daughter taking care of an alkie mother and a father who lived to his nineties. It's such an unfair burden on an adult child. I love what your sister did. I view these parents as selfish.
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Interesting how we are all different and two people can react so differently to life even in the same circumstances. I do think hereditary genes and DNA also come into play. I don’t like the Disney world view either, simply because it it unrealistic. Not a fan of the dark, but a big fan of realism, which, of course, can be dark.
ReplyDeleteI was an oops child as well. Two much older brothers. Not much other family or children in the neighborhood. A father who adored only, my mother and a mother caught in the middle from an age when affection wasn’t shown much. So loneliness was a constant companion and the good marriage I always wanted (like my parents) happened, but for only about half the time. Now widowed with a few friends, nice home and a content life with full freedom, I am still plagued by the thought of loneliness and will probably never be free of it. Mary
So sorry you are lonely Mary. I believe childhood experience has so much to do with it. The house I grew up in was very noisy and very small with four brothers yelling and fighting and sports loving and very large extended families that swooped in and out. All that to say I craved, positively craved, alone time. Went wandering a lot on my bike and explored alone the remote cliffs and beaches of the small island we spent summers on. I still value alone time unless I am stimulated by conversations outside of personal.
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Indeed, people who won't accept the challenges of reality and expect life to be a bed of roses and full of happy endings are very tiresome. But they won't give up their unreal expectations in a hurry.
ReplyDeleteYou're in the news today. All that water in the picture, that puddle? We have that too, but falling down. ctv. Emma
ReplyDeleteEmma, sorry not getting this. Could you please clarify. My brain could be malfunctioning. It happens. :D
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Running video of St. John's harbour on one of the news sites. Emma
DeleteYou live in a beautiful place.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read scenarios like this I am so glad that my entire life has been involved with the wonders of nature. In that, there are no disappointments and every day brings new delights. When you can derive joy from watching caterpillars change from one instar to another, morphing into a chrysalis, and finally emerging as a butterfly, there is nothing that Hollywood can offer to compare with that.
ReplyDeleteI love your writing and thoughts on life--so refreshing. I once had a friend who thought the world of Disney was an attainable reality for everybody as to how life should be. She trekked to both Disneyland and Disney World many times and saw every Disney movie over and over. I learned not to ever mention anything to disturb her thinking on this. So tiring.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post. Yes, whatever contentment we can achieve. Forget happiness! The death of the love of my life this winter shocked and saddened me beyond words. Now I savor all the closeness I have with my brother and my friends, and aim to be at peace with myself.
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