Monday, August 20, 2007

You can't force romantic love

And I sorta kinda tried. So much of possibility boils down to Pheronomes. They weren't there. I had this past week with R, long planned, and long longed-for. My widower friend. A very lovely man. Still grieving his dead wife. Still wearing his wedding ring.
It was his first vacation in forty years without her. We talked solid for the whole week. We picnicked. We went to a house party. We hiked. We ate long leisurely dinners. We meditated together. And oh how we talked. We touched, though as brother and sister would. We washed and dried dishes together at the end of the day. And had little injokes, some revolving around a 'moose god' I have on the counter. You have to touch him before you leave so you can avoid encounters on the highways and biways. Moose are everywhere here and a serious danger. The moose god works. So far.
He told me sex was over-rated, never had done much for him. Ahem.
He told me one of his regrets about his wife was that he had rarely touched her. He should have touched her more.
He played with his toy bucket and spade that I had bought him. And made sand castles.
We took photos together and I helped him with some.
Did I say we laughed a lot? We did.
But we slept in separate bedrooms.
And the advice from my brothers, whom I deeply respect, was to let him make the first move.
And he didn't.
And he forgot my birthday, even though I had talked about it the day before.
But we are still good friends.
And he wrote in my guest book that we are more bonded than we ever were.
And I take him to the airport and we kiss, as we always do, on the lips, tightly and chastely. And he leaves. And doesn't stand on the pavement and wave. As most leave-takers of mine do. As I do. One last wave of thanks and love and see-ya-soon.
And he told me he is very excited about a grief counselling group he will be attending in September. One of the reasons is that he hopes to meet a potential partner there.


  1. It sounds like you had great time and felt good in his company, despite a few hickups. It seems to me that this was a bit more a healing session for him, that you have done so much to help him. You never know what the future brings. It must certainly feel good to know you have helped a friend, even though there were disappointments for you along the way.

  2. Go for a walk on the beach with the dog. Cast a pebble (the might have been)into the water and move on.

    He would dried you out and made you old!

    Dance girl, dance!

  3. Gaye:
    I wouldn't quite say disappointments. Reality check. he doesn't like change or surprises (and ain't life full of those!) whereas I'm always looking ahead to the next surprise...

  4. GM:
    Oh wise one. My feelings exactly. I must cast that pebble and look forward to the next adventure. Yes, I feel so much younger than him, even tho he is technically 2 months younger.
    What's the old saying? Died at fifty, buried at eighty.

  5. .."I am looking ahead to the next surprise" That is lovely! Do you mind if I borrow this, for the times when I feel less enthusiastic and motivated to take a step forward?

  6. i'm with granny. he sounds completely unready for a relationship (despite is excitement over a grief counseling group), and any man who says those sorts of things about sex, i have to say, i wonder about ....

    i'm glad your friendship is closer than ever, because that's important, too. but you're absolutely right without pheremones a romance isn't possible.

    and i'm thinking he's the one who lacks them.... (i know, i know they're supposed to be mutual.)

  7. Hi Gaye:
    yes go ahead and use, of course. And you know? Count the surprises at the end of each day!

  8. Laurie:
    In discussing with a close friend she said to me that he is "asexual" and she has met him. I'm inclined to agree, would sure account for the lack of pheremones! There are such people, I read at one time they had formed a sort of club to honour their distinction as a species. Like haemophrodites who want to be known as the 'third sex'. Maybe there is a fourth - asexuals. H'mm. Nearly worth a blog on its own!!

  9. may i just say? that every single person i've ever met who considered himself asexual--and they were always men--turned out to be gay. every one of them.

  10. Sometimes the feelings are there, and sometimes they're not. As the Buddhists say (at least I think they say this!): No shame, no blame. Sounds like you enjoyed one another's company, and that's lovely.

  11. Hi WWW

    Just from what you said here, your friend seems to be looking for a very specific kind of 'partner'. It would appear the commonality he seeks is in someone who is hurting in the same way he is. Whatever is going on with him, I'm sure you're right about it being a reality check. He seems to be quite clearly saying the one thing he doesn't want to change is the status of your relationship with him. Losing your friendship is possibly a risk he doesn't want to take, especially if he is being truthful about the sex not being important to him.



  12. Laurie:
    Point taken but I'm particularly gifted with "gaydar" and not a whiff here but certainly worth considering.
    yes we did and still email each other every day..nothing changes.
    Pants: A great perspective on it all. He does not like change at all, very set in his ways and hates surprises of any kind so a partner who is also a widow would suit him very well...

  13. Deep in our hearts, I think we know who are our friends and who are our putative lovers. It was good advice from your brother to let him make the first move. Sorry it didn't work out, but it does sound as if it was for the best.

  14. Yes Jenny, I think so too, I miss the excitement of the anticipation of it all (always the journey, never the destination!)but he is still my very good buddy and for that I am so grateful.


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