Sunday, November 29, 2020

Whinge Buddies

I only say these things to her
And she to me
In our bi-weekly

We are aware
Of how others perceive pain.
And how boring we could be
But never to each other.

So we lay it all out.
I said to her today:
When I get home
And I've barely made it.

I lie on the floor
And cry. And feel like
I want to die.
And it takes a while...

And she says, oh my god,
Me too. And when I make plans
And then the pain is so bad
I have to cancel.

And I cry all day
I miss out on so much.
Me too, I say, and my pain
Meds are not doing it

As well as they used to.
And I don't want mind
Altering shyte
I'd hate to be medicated.

Me neither.
I feel better talking it
Through with you.
You're a treasure.

You too.

Thursday, November 26, 2020

Mad Woman Musings.

In a world of
Constant connection
I am lonely
My mother,
My best friend,
My tribe.

And I wonder
How old
Everyone is
In heaven

If there is one.
And why?
And what do we
Look like
As we arrive?

Are our faces
Frozen forever
Into the face
We die in

Or do we
Look like we did
At sixteen
Or twenty five.

Or how do we find
The ones gone before
Without human shapes
Or is that all just magic

Like radar or blue tooth
Like ESP or ouija boards
Or crystal balls.

And who's
Keeping track of
The 113 billion
Who have already

And are religions
From each other.
And will atheists
Be surprised
Or disappoimted?

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Footering* and 2020 Book List

I can't seem to get my page section to work, the links are wonky. I'm not much into HTML, just the minimum. New Blogger has all sorts of extra steps and I can't seem to get my head around the link aspect.

So I copied and pasted my books read list from the 2020 Books Read page. I can't figure out how to get the page links working for prior years.

I would be most interested in all recommendations, both books and blogger page links.

(1)The Gathering - Anne Enright {BC} {RR} *****
(2)The Break - Katherina Vermette {G}**
(3)A Moveable Feast - Ernest Hemingway {RR} Annual read *****
(4)The Marriage Lie - Kimberley Bell***
(5)Patience and Sarah - Isabel Miller*****
(6)One for the Rock - Kevin Major {BC}**
(7)Where the Crawdads Sing - Delia Owens***
(8)The City Not Long After - Pat Murphy {DNF}
(9)A Reckoning - May Sarton*****
(10)I'll be right There - Kyun-Sook Shin*****
(11)Dear Mrs. Bird - A. J. Pearch {BC}
(12)Autobiography of a Boring Wife - Marie-Renee Lasoie*****
(13)Our House - Louise Candlish*****
(14)Frying Plaintain - Zalika Reid-Beta*****
(15)Something for Everyone - Lisa Moore DNF0
(16)Almost Feral -Gemma Hickey***
(17)Pachinko - Min Jin Lee*****
(18)The Wake - Linden MacIntyre*****
(19)May Sarton - Margot Peters*****
(20)H is for Hawk - Helen MacDonald*****
(21)Future Home of the Living God - Louise Erdrich*
(22)I Found You - Lisa Jewell****
(23)The Wrong Side of Goodbye - Michael Connolly*****
(24)The Tin Can Tree - Anne Tyler*****
(25)Stories of 1943 - Various*****
(26)The Penguin Book of Contemporary Irish Poetry - Various*****
(27)Felicity - Mary Oliver*****
(28)Department of Speculation - Jenny Offill*****
(29)Then She Was Gone - Lisa Jewell*****
(30))Fools and Mortals - Bernard Cornwell***
(31)My Dark Vanessa - Kate Elizabeth Russell*****
(32)Nocturne - Helen Humphries*****
(33)The Pull of the Stars - Emma Donoghue*****
(34)One Hit Wonder - Lisa Jewell**
(35)Wesley The Owl - Stacey O'Brien****
(36)A Good Neighbourhood - Theres Anne Fowler*****
(36)A Roll of the Bones - Trudy Morgan Cole*****
(37)Z - Theresa Anne Fowler*****
(38)The Book of Longings - Sue Monk Kidd*****
(39)Souvenir - Therese Anne Fowler***
(40)Nightingale of the North - Amy Louise Peyton**(G)
(41)Forgotten Women - Various*****(G)
(42)Territory of Light - Yuko Tsushima**
(43)How to be a Woman - Caitlin Moran ****
(44)Catch and Kill - Ronan Farrow*****
(45)Women and Children First - Michelle Landsberg****
(46)Things are Good Now - Djamila Ibrahim*****
(47)The Book of Longing - Leonard Cohen*****(G)
(48)Dancing in a Jar - Adele PoynterBC ****
(49)Long Bright River - Liz Moore***
(50)The Difference - Marina Endicot DNF
(51)A Well Behaved Woman - Therese Anne Fowler

TOTAL TO DATE: 11{BC=Book Club} {DNF = Did Not Finish} {RR} = Re-read {G} = gift}
Ratings:0(awful) *(poor)**(fair)***(good)****(very good)*****(excellent)

*Footering = my own invented word for messing about with stuff.


Saturday, November 21, 2020

Weird Things About Me

Maybe not so weird, but thinking about them I wonder if any of you out there have similar types of habits behaviours that are slightly askew and maybe a little off.

(1)I can't pass by a jar of Q-Tips without taking one out and foisting it into my ear. Not in public or anything. Just the first private moment I get. Or if I'm in your bathroom right then and there. No need. I just do it.

(2)Ditto with a blackboard with available chalk. I have to write something. If not alone with it, I'll find an excuse to go back and print or draw something small.

(3)I can't stay in a hotel or inn without lifting something. Something unnoticeable. Last time it was this plastic zipper bag hidden under a pile of towels which I knew would hold all my tinier knitting supplies. Well, no one was using it obviously. These "found" tiny objects without any significant value remind me of the place I stayed and the memories generated. One time it was a blue eyeliner pencil someone left behind. I never use makeup, but I still have it. Moncton, New Brunswick in a snow storm.

(4)I can't bear to throw away even the tiniest piece of yarn from a finished project. I always send a supply (for minor repairs dow the road) to the receiver of my gift but then struggle with the remaining bits as they remind me of the completed work.

Wednesday, November 18, 2020

Denim Days

Looking back - the more I age, the more the rearview mirror can appeal to me in brief spurts - I would count the Denim Days of my life in a small rural oceanside town in Newfoundland to be some of the happiest. I find that one's happiness cannot be tied to any particular person, place or thing. It is organic, internal, an inside job, if you will.

Everywhere I turned around there was this startling blue, it never failed to take my breath away. At times it became Forty Shades of Blue, just like that Irish song Forty Shades of Green. I'd sit on my front porch with a coffee of a morning and look at this.

I'm not one who eliminates the downside of life when looking back, but the home I had there held some great memories of parties and friends staying for a holiday and my beloved dog Ansa and gentleman callers and a community around me always prepared to help out when challenges hit.

So what brought this on? Just going through some old photos today. So many memories stirred up. Not least of which was that lovely old house by the ocean.

Friday, November 13, 2020

When Friends are Fading.

I have a follow-up on Lana for those who might remember my five part post on a long time friendship when one descends into dementia, leaving the other holding the memories by themselves.

Lana is in frequent contact with me. Her here and now wisdom is still intact but her short term has just about vanished. I was alarmed the other night when Bell Telephone called me and said my friend was unable to punch in my numbers on her phone and asked for assistance. Oh dear. The call itself was also distressing in that she was looking at a slew of bills and not knowing what to do with them. Should she go to the bank? And then she asked for help. Could I find someone to take care of her bills?

I called an Ontario trustee I am familiar with but they couldn't help as her sons are powers of attorney. I stewed. And then came to a resolution and called one of her son's workplaces and he remembered me instantly (our families have been close) and he is very aware of what's going on with her and calls her four times a week and monitors the situation along with his brother. (She has no memory of these calls however, and told me no one bothers with her at all).

He also said her tenant had called and several who didn't want to be identified phoned in various stages of concern. He assured me he wouldn't breach my confidence with her. Her sons are in a dilemma as to what to do. Hire full time home care? He thinks her estate could handle it or a reverse mortgage. Anyway the long and the short of it is I am in complete relief and the burden of her calls and my concerns has lifted substantially. And we will keep each other in the loop of her condition as it inevitably worsens.

What a dreadful disease this is. It steals the whole person, their vibrancy, their memories, their friendships, their dreams. I've been up and close and personal with a few cases now and all of them were heartbreaking. Without exception.

I was out and about today in spite of some early pain. I needed to be by my ocean.So I took my lunch and a dark roast and headed up to Middle Cove.

I loved this sign in the middle of nowhere on the beach (only 2 other people there in the vast space). Social distancing in the ocean air. What they call an 'abundance of caution' out here and we are so grateful for it. There was an article on us, in The New York Times no less, as one of the safest places in the world. All down to this abundance of caution, even on deserted beaches.

I stopped twice on the way home.

Once by a stables with these gorgeous horses and riders galloping in the paddock but taking a photo seemed really instrusive on their chatter back and forth, so I didn't, much as I wanted to.

Just up from there I stopped at this beautiful church as the afternoon light was so perfect.

Wednesday, November 11, 2020

Words for Wednesday

Elephant's Child is hosting this week's Words for Wednesday. I'm participating again this week after quite a dry spell, as I need a bit of a jog to my imagination and writing as it's all falling to the wayside these days. Using all the words was a challenge but very enjoyable. I encourage everyone to participate!

Here are this week's prompts.

1. Botanic* 2. Gathering" 3. Finger* 4. Port* 5. Canine* 6. Elastic Band*

And /or

1. Department* 2. Prose* 3. Stable* 4. Wink* 5. Chandelier* 6. Pirouette*


She didn't catch a wink of sleep. The gathering the night before was a disaster, the sea was so rough the chandelier in the dining room danced a pirouette over their heads. Her beloved dog, Teddy, must have been frightened in the canine quarters below deck. She sat up suddenly in her small cabin, staring at the elastic band on her finger and snapped it. What was it she had to remember?

Police department? The stable at the farm?

Ah yes, the prose was all falling into place now for her latest book. She scribbled the notes down quickly before they evaporated and glanced at the port hole.

They would soon be in harbour. She would treat herself to a coffee and a tour of the botanical gardens this afternoon

Saturday, November 07, 2020

Pardon Me

I'm not writing about much today. I've had two days of savage pain which neither the CBD oil nor the Tylenol extra strength alleviate.

I'm getting used to days like these. I know they pass. And who knows why they pass? Some wooey magic? The body going phooey, let's give her a break?

I felt miserable.

And I considered the hidden life of Facecloth (my personal petname for you know what). I posted jokes and comments and updated some of my web pages and thought: No one could ever tell from these posts that I was distracting myself from my rebelling body. And posted a picture of the sun washing the dark windows of houses as it slid below the horizon sitting by the lake with its dog park and missed my Ansa. I can make more room on the pity-pot if you wish.

And apologies for the swimming in the sea of me post.

But there you have it.

The US is what it is, a cesspool of fascism and racism and all the other isms of nearly 50% of its population. A terrifying thought. And their Mussolini at the top of the heap screaming and yelling like a toddler, condemning his own country's voting security with every blast and no one from his party marching out there and seizing him by the neck and throwing him into one of his own cages. Why are they complicit in his treason?

Be that as it may on this rambling Saturday, where the pain is not showing its face so much.

I hung this picture which I got on the Great Northern Peninsula. I absolutely love it.

And optimistically picked up my Book Club's selections from the library where I was greeted by name by the librarian.

I'm telling you, we need to cling to the small things like never before.

Wednesday, November 04, 2020

Hanging In

"Hang In There" was a phrase used oftentimes in the good old days.

I'm trying not to despair and rage and rant today when I see the actual horrific numbers of USians who voted for this narcissistic monster who doesn't give a shyte about any of them. Is this the soul of the USA laid bare? The mirror relecting this psychopathic sub-human? Who sees them die, who sees them infected and never throws a glance their way? Who has never exhibited a shred of compassion? Who whines like a 2 year old? Who can turn his back on children in cages and lose track of their parents? And uses the USA as a personal ATM?

My friends in the USA are terrified. With just cause. The world is terrified.

Is there hope? I've stopped tracking the ongoing results. He may have bought the electoral college. Who knows? And the supreme court is in his pocket to declare him a winner. Well, hold on, he already declared himself the winner. Breaking more laws which seem meaningless when it comes to this dictator.

So on to other stuff:

Personal Positives ------------------

(1)Finally, finally I get lab work done in my home. A lovely man showed up yesterday to do the fluid extractions and will fire off the reports to my doctors on line. How wonderful is this? The clinics and hospitals were such such a challenge. (2)I listen to the ordinary sights and sounds outside my window and celebrate them. The ordinary is so important these days. The horns of the ships in the harbour, the community bus pulling up for the resident shoppers ($5.00 return to take them far and wide to different stores and then come back hours later to pick them up) (3) A little flurry of snow, reminding us that winter is on it's way. Now it's gone, like a breath. (4) My new cleaner, Jessica, has to be seen to be believed. Never have I had a cleaner like her. So thorough and energetic and she cleans, like everything. (5) I change my sign on my little blackboard every month. This month is "gratitude". I think of the small things and the large things that keep me grateful. Living in Canada, living in Newfoundland, with no new cases in 9 days now. And only 4 active ones. A prime minister who keeps our borders closed to the USA and begins more serious negotiations with the EU.

So Hang in there USA!

Sunday, November 01, 2020

Of RIPs and Life

In the past week or so I have lost 2 long time blog buddies.

The first was Ann of Twilight. Learning Curve on the Eliptic was a fountain of knowledge on the stars, on politics and on life in general. I always enjoyed her posts.

Today, was the awful news that Ronni Bennett of As Time Goes By died last evening. She and I started blogging around the same time. Her honest reports on aging and insightful commentaries on its process was the first blog to deal with the "real" side of aging - with all its ailments, challenges and discomforts. I exchanged several emails with her over the years. She was an enormous help to her huge community and was unstinting in her communication about her own dying. Gawd how I'll miss her.

Highlights of the weekend:

Daughter came in and stayed for the weekend. We had planned to watch The Queen's Gambit together - me for the second time, she for the first. But that never happened as we laughed our way through Halloween and into the small hours of the morning. The more we age together, the more we enjoy each other but we also recognise that this is extraordinarly rare. One of the topics was rate your worst dates ever. Gawd did we have a feast on that one.

But don't miss The Queen's Gambit. 10/10 from me on IMDB, a rare thing. Trust me.

I'm reading "Catch and Kill" by Ronan Farrow. Which has my hair standing on end. It reads like one of the best crime novels, with underworld spies, threats, blackmail and dark web stuff but it's all true.

Please don't grieve that POS Sean Connery. A wife beater who bragged about slapping women about. A friend of Trump's and over all horrible subhuman.

Sean Connery "An open-handed slap is justified – if all other alternatives fail and there has been plenty of warning. If a woman is a bitch, or hysterical, or bloody-minded continually, then I'd do it." — Playboy magazine, 1965. "There are women who take it to the wire. That's what they are looking for, the ultimate confrontation. They want a smack." — Interview with Barbara Walters, December 1987

A dinner of moose was dropped off by a friend tonight. Here it is in all its glory. I will get 3 meals out of it. It is to die.