I have a follow-up on Lana for those who might remember my five part post on a long time friendship when one descends into dementia, leaving the other holding the memories by themselves.
Lana is in frequent contact with me. Her here and now wisdom is still intact but her short term has just about vanished. I was alarmed the other night when Bell Telephone called me and said my friend was unable to punch in my numbers on her phone and asked for assistance. Oh dear. The call itself was also distressing in that she was looking at a slew of bills and not knowing what to do with them. Should she go to the bank? And then she asked for help. Could I find someone to take care of her bills?
I called an Ontario trustee I am familiar with but they couldn't help as her sons are powers of attorney. I stewed. And then came to a resolution and called one of her son's workplaces and he remembered me instantly (our families have been close) and he is very aware of what's going on with her and calls her four times a week and monitors the situation along with his brother. (She has no memory of these calls however, and told me no one bothers with her at all).
He also said her tenant had called and several who didn't want to be identified phoned in various stages of concern. He assured me he wouldn't breach my confidence with her. Her sons are in a dilemma as to what to do. Hire full time home care? He thinks her estate could handle it or a reverse mortgage. Anyway the long and the short of it is I am in complete relief and the burden of her calls and my concerns has lifted substantially. And we will keep each other in the loop of her condition as it inevitably worsens.
What a dreadful disease this is. It steals the whole person, their vibrancy, their memories, their friendships, their dreams. I've been up and close and personal with a few cases now and all of them were heartbreaking. Without exception.
I was out and about today in spite of some early pain. I needed to be by my ocean.So I took my lunch and a dark roast and headed up to Middle Cove.
I loved this sign in the middle of nowhere on the beach (only 2 other people there in the vast space). Social distancing in the ocean air. What they call an 'abundance of caution' out here and we are so grateful for it. There was an article on us, in The New York Times no less, as one of the safest places in the world. All down to this abundance of caution, even on deserted beaches.
I stopped twice on the way home.
Once by a stables with these gorgeous horses and riders galloping in the paddock but taking a photo seemed really instrusive on their chatter back and forth, so I didn't, much as I wanted to.
Just up from there I stopped at this beautiful church as the afternoon light was so perfect.
Those moments of beauty lift/save our day don't they?
ReplyDeleteI still think that dementia is THE cruelest of illnesses. It takes away the person you knew and loved leaving a very needy shell in its place.
I am so glad to read that Lana's sons ARE supporting her as best they can.
A big hooray for cautious safety too.
Look after yourself please - and continue to look for, find and capture those moments of beauty.
They sure lift the spirits and give us some grounding EC in the face of grief and concern and helplessness.
DeleteI'm so glad I did this. And yes, I need to ramble more even with limited mobility.
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A heart-rending story, but good that her sons know and care. That cove is beautiful, and the water incredibly blue. It's good for the soul to have places like that.
ReplyDeleteTo me, it's a magical place Charlotte. I feel all my troubles ebb away, feeling insignificant in a good way. And connected to everything.
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It's wonderful that your friend's sons sill take the time and trouble to fill you in on so many details of her life and how they are handling their responsibilities. Dementia is one of the cruelest of all.
ReplyDeleteIt is horrible Joanne, I hate hearing the panic in her voice when the simplest tasks evade her. And forgetting how to dial a phone of push the number from a previous call spoke volumes to me about her mental state.
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The soothing balm of the sea and sun.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, GP, nothing like it.
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Picture me standing beside you looking at the ocean.
ReplyDeleteMy own daughter came to me quite upset one day, her mother-in-law was going through alzheimers and was forgetting the simplest parts of preparing a meal and being in tears over it (the MIL was in tears, daughter didn't cry until she got to my place)
I picture you there River. How terrible for your daughter to witness this breakdown of the most simple of tasks. It is relentless. I watched a close friend losing the ability to speak and eat. And Dying with Dignity is not an option as they don't have the ability to sign off on that decision.
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Middle Cove looks like a lovely spot. And that's a most unusual church.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was an abundance of caution here. Unfortunately many people are bending and breaking the rules to suit themselves and the infection rate is still very high. I put as much distance as I can between me and other people but I'm clearly one of the exceptions.
My mother and Jenny's mother and father all had dementia when they died. As you say, it's heart-breaking to see their whole personality disappearing.
They don't call it the Long Goodbye for nothing Nick. It tears your heart out. That's a pile of it in your family. So very hard on everyone who loves them.
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I am glad your friend is well taken care of by her friends and family even though she is unaware of it. I can relate to feelings of abandonment even though one is in fact unabandoned. Glad you can get out to your special places, mobility of any sort really helps. It's important to burst the bubble of feeling closed in by pain and despair.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your wise words Annie, "feeling closed in by pain and despair". The antidote is getting out and being in the moment of sea and sky and even small interaction with others. I chatted to a young photographer capturing the movements of the waves for a magazine article. She must have taken a 100 shots! Very inspiring.
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A depressing start which unexpectedly ends up on a very soothing and cheerful note. A grand narrative. It explains why you needed to go the sea shore.
ReplyDeleteIt's always good to leave the drama of powerlessness, doing the best we can and retreating to our happy place for a while, Ramana.
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That is sad about your friend. I am glad that you contacted her son. As for the cove, what a beautiful sight! And so deserted, too. Ideal for basking in the light and mother nature.
ReplyDeleteIt's a perfect spot and I found it once I moved to the city when I left the ocean at the end of my garden in my rural home. I am restored there Gigi.
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Sure wish we had more of that abundance of caution. It appears we are headed backwards which means schools will not opening up very soon. Some nearby districts have returned to in-school classes, but that may soon end, too. We sure aren't good about sacrifice around here.
ReplyDeleteWe have the objectors to this abundance out here, too Gigi. But they are few and far between. So far,these low rates reflect the protocols. A funeral in March taught everyone a huge lesson. One person travelling in, unaware, and infecting two huge funerals. Over 200 cases. It had everyone reeling in shock.
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Dreadful ... but she's lucky to have two good sons.
ReplyDeleteYes Tom, though to hear her tell it they are not good at all. The disease often makes its victims extremely paranoid.
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I'm glad you like the word tertulia!! That is what I am missing. Gabbing,poking and lunching with my BFF.
ReplyDeleteMy aunt had dementia, it is horrible. I am glad she has her sons to worry about her and ease your sense of responsibility.
I see you have that ugly anonymous comment on your blog as well. It has been showing up wcerywhere.
Yes, I see him in his mother's basement, seething she won't die off leaving him the house, not knowing she has already left her estate to his banker sister.
DeleteI miss Tertulia so much Jackie.
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Nice that you can go to such a beautiful secluded spot and not have to worry about unmasked people who don't keep their distance...I am sorry about and for your friend and you. Dementia is horrible.
ReplyDeleteIt is a nice break in otherwise quite stressful times for all of us. My friend forgot who I was last night. It was very distressing. She has become adept at covering her huge memory gaps with little phrases which oddly enough adds to my concern.
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This is such a terrible disease. I’m sorry that your friend is fading, but it is reassuring for you to know that her sons are helping.
ReplyDeleteMy husband had Alzheimer’s for 10 years . At the end he could not speak but liked to listen to music. He did not know who I was, and that was the painful part. It is harder when the disease attacks your spouse. Because of the bad healthcare here I was with him 24/7 until the last 6 months when I could no longer handle him. I remember even calling the Alzheimer’s Association where I lived in Georgia to find some help, and they sent me a brochure … and I could only cry (that’s when we came to Nashville to be near our daughter.) There is very little support in this country (I mean the US.) The last years were so difficult, I really thought about doing something to myself to end the stress and pain. I read that over 50% of spouse of Dementia/Alzheimer’s patients die before the patient, from a reason or another, mostly stress. I think this is why now I try to visit parks or be outdoors when I can as I could not for so long. Your surroundings are beautiful – nature does help.
I am so sorry Vagabonde, that must have been terrible for you. I witnessed a very dear friend coping with her husband who had this disease. I would stay weekends with her to give her some relief but it, too, affected her health and she couldn't let him go. They don't call it the Long Goodbye for nothing. Bits and pieces leaving. Painful. I am glad you are getting outdoors now. Apart from incarceration there is so little help for those caring for Alxheimer's patients. I think it was Denmark who created special villages for them which have been enormously successful and positive.
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Oh, its so difficult having our friends fade away.
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