I only say these things to her
And she to me
In our bi-weekly
Phonecalls.
We are aware
Of how others perceive pain.
And how boring we could be
But never to each other.
So we lay it all out.
I said to her today:
When I get home
And I've barely made it.
I lie on the floor
And cry. And feel like
I want to die.
And it takes a while...
And she says, oh my god,
Me too. And when I make plans
And then the pain is so bad
I have to cancel.
And I cry all day
I miss out on so much.
Me too, I say, and my pain
Meds are not doing it
As well as they used to.
And I don't want mind
Altering shyte
I'd hate to be medicated.
Me neither.
I feel better talking it
Through with you.
You're a treasure.
You too.
Ouch.
ReplyDeleteThis is sadly completely familiar. And I hate it. Hate, hate, hate it.
Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.
Thanks EC. I know I'm not alone and we are taught from an early age "to take up our cross and bear it silently" in the RC tradition.
DeleteBollox, I say. I don't want to become embittered by pain. I need to release it and know it's not a solitary journey.
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Despite there being no RC's in our family I was brought up in a very similar way. I firmly believe that things left in the dark have a tendency to fester and grow. And one of my mantras is 'give us our daily whinge'.
DeleteOh I do love that EC. I will use it next time I chat to S, my whinge buddy :)
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It's wonderful to have a friend who understands and who you can 'unload' on and she to you.
ReplyDeleteIt's a true gift that we found each other. And uncover all the layers, including psychic pain now and again :)
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Yes! Someone to whom you can tell your truth and not be judged or told your feelings are irrational or how you should think differently. Friends like that are few and far between. Glad you've got one. So have I. -Kate
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you have one too Kate. It makes a huge load of difference to me once every couple of weeks. It can be hard to navigate life sometimes.
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A whinge buddy, what a thing! I can relate to the relief that must give, to be heard without judgement.
ReplyDeleteI think we all need one Annie, I'd never thought of such a thing until I met her a few years back and we just gave each other permission to fire away.
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Oh, my. I feel your pain, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you Gigi, none of us get a free pass, I believe, whether physical or emotional.
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oh, I'm so glad you have a whinge friend. I am at the end of my road and have lost my two dearest, long-time whinge friends. All the way back to the same neighborhood, parents & grandparents who knew one another, the same RC church, same high school...da da da. I miss them terribly. We all, of course, had warts but stuck by each other. It's so wonderful to have someone you can trust, you can bitch to, you can use expletives to spout & deflate some of your pain and anger. You are correct in what you said to Gigi about none of us getting a free pass. That's why I've never been envious of anyone in my life. Everyone has something or other. It's the fight at the near end that's the most difficult when your body exhausts your mind. I hope you know what I mean. Some days I'm so chipper and other days I almost am ready to give up. It's been quite the seesaw. Hugs & keep fighting.
ReplyDeleteOh thank you for understanding Regina. Exactly. The mix of positive and negative days, totally unpredictable. I had great plans for today and woke up feeling like the underside of the universe. Uninhabitable. My plans defeat me. I should have none.
DeleteI miss my BFF more than I can say. Friends since we were 6. So very used to each other. But S, my fairly new friend, was a wonderful discovery. We always end up laughing at ourselves and at humanity.
Yes I was not prepared for this end of life downer. I thought I would run right to the end. What was that old joke: Make plans and God laughs? Yes, right!
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I have a new whinge friend. I love her dearly and will listen.
ReplyDeleteOh goody Joanne, nothing like a whinge buddy. We all desperately need them.
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Mind altering drugs in a person form. They ease your mind, your pain and make you feel better without the awful side effects.
ReplyDeleteWe all need a reminder that it isn't a solitary journey, it just feels like it sometime.
What a great perspective GP, yes a good listening friend is like a mind altering substance. I'm so glad that when I put stuff like this out there, so many understand.
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Well, that's a new word to me, but an important one to add to my vocabulary. I'll have to share with a couple of my friends as we've been whinge buddies at times and didn't even know it.
ReplyDeleteA new project there Joared. And with two whinge buddies you are double lucky.
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Perhaps your grandgirl with whom you have tea has an Amazon account? If so, have her check Amazon for Barry's and order some for you. That tea is available here via Amazon, so it may be the same in Canada.
ReplyDeleteGreat suggestion E. It would be lovely to brew some looseleaf from Cork~~
DeleteThank you.
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This is wonderful. I love it.
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