Monday, February 07, 2022

Nothing and Everything

 Can one write about nothing at all?

I can write about a poem I wrote this morning, still moved by what my eldest brother said to me on the weekly Sibling Zoom yesterday. Empathy, understanding, comfort.

I can write about a planned coffee-meet up with a friend today after a million years of alert levels.

I can write about end of life discussions, wills, wishes. The complexity of some. The sadness of countries that forbids Death with Dignity. How's yours faring in that regard?

I can write about a graph paper study I did for a knitting pattern which lies there, staring at me, ready to get my act and needles and bodkins together. Bodkins, now there's a word.

I can write about my weekly Monday night call to Lana. She showed a deterioration (paranoia) last week but still knows my voice instantly. I am kinda, sorta dreading tonight's call.

I can write about the ennui (there's another word) that I'm feeling for well over a week now. Caution Exhaustion I'm thinking. Too much time alone. Too much yawning time left to my own devices, and they are wearing a bit thin.

And yes, there's this: my Leo finally succumbed to his vicious cancer early yesterday. Before dawn.


31 comments:

  1. These days I spend most of my day in bed and yes it is depression. I’m too dizzy to function upright, even sitting upright. Difficult to type when supine, so no writing here, glad you’re at least capable of thinking about it. Caution Exhaustion is certainly a factor, World Going to Heck another. Sorry to hear about Leo.

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    1. Annie would it help if we talked on the phone? You're not alone in what is happening to you. Email me your phone number if you wish and I can call you. wisewebwomanatgmaildotcom
      XO
      WWW

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  2. Oh, that is too bad that leo passed away. But, that is the way for all of us. Meanwhile, leT's live it up, skipping merrily to the grave!

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    1. It's great if one can skip. Leo suffered mightily and was in constant pain.

      XO
      WWW

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  3. Caution exhaustion is exactly what I am feeling. Wasting my days online reading, anything to not do something constructive.
    So sorry to hear about your dead friend.

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    1. Not wasted Jackie, reading helps me tremendously. And streaming good stuff and trying to grip firmly on reality which sometimes falters and slips. Quite messily.

      XO
      WWW

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  4. I was feeling that caution exhaustion two weeks ago Monday, and walked to the ocean with my dog and prayed at the ocean and asked God to take my worries. The rest of the day and every day since, I know He took my worries as the ennui is gone. He is a good good Father. How sad about your dear Leo, that would knock me back, for sure. Be well.

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    1. Thank you Terra. I am glad you're feeling better than you were before.

      XO
      WWW

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  5. Not in the slightest bit surprised you are feeling ground down. As so many of us are.
    I am sorry about the loss of your friend. Glad that his pain is over, but sorry for everyone who loved him.
    Dying with Dignity is a sore point here. Our Federal Government passed legislation which precludes my Territory from even debating it. Much of the rest of Australia now has it in place. Neither we, nor the Northern Territory have that option. And the current Federal Government (same flavour as the one that passed the legislation) refuses to even consider rescinding the legislation.

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    1. That is appalling EC. I am so sorry to hear that. Leo was in a difficult situation with his handicap, had no power of attorney (I had tried in the past) so could not opt out of his extremely painful death. There is no ombudsperson to advocate in this province, unfortunately.

      Ground down is a great way of putting it.

      XO
      WWW

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  6. That's sad about Leo. Suffering is bad but for those left behind, perhaps a little easier than a sudden death.

    Now, I understand women should keep their bodkins well supported, so do look after yours.

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    1. I trust you were looking up the right definition for bodkin, Andrew. I agree it does sound kind of naughty but it ain't to us crafters.

      XO
      WWW

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  7. You have suffered a lot of loss with very limited access to the supports that might help you recover. I would take to my bed.
    I'm sorry about Leo.

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    1. Thank you Kylie. I have the feeling that one more thing, the weight of a feather would drive me. I'm avoiding all calls and requests that want something from me. I am empty.

      XO
      WWW

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  8. Empathy, understanding, comfort from your brother--such a heart warming gift. I am sorry for your loss of Leo.
    Death with dignity--I think not as a policy. I believe many doctors know how to ease death. Our mother's oncologist knew.

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    1. I agree Joanne, but they can be charged criminally. Not here, thank heavens, as they are allowed but very, very strict regulations.
      I have known a few with that extra bit of morphine to ease the journey.
      I am so glad your mother's exit was eased.

      XO
      WWW

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  9. Ennui, that's me lately. I seem to think I've done enough just rolling out of bed.

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    1. Yes, River, what more do they expect after that huge effort?

      XO
      WWW

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  10. There, you have written many things about many things!

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  11. There are always so many things, Ramana, rather than surface writing.

    XO
    WWW

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  12. Godspeed to Leo.
    xoxox
    Kate
    PS Why not write about nothing? That's what I do!

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  13. I am sorry you've lost yet another friend, Sending hugs!

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    1. Thank you E, I feel as if they are piling up around me. I did write a tribute to him and I believe I captured his essence which is important.

      XO
      WWW

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  14. Ennui seems to be quite common at the fag-end of winter, after we've all trudged through months and months of cold and dark and wet. But I know that once spring is firmly on the way I'll perk up again.

    I wish the UK would legislate for Assisted Dying. It's tragic that so many countries still expect you to soldier on to the bitter end, maybe in excruciating pain and misery, unable to depart gracefully.

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  15. So sorry for more loss you're experiencing. The older we become the more we are subjected to such -- clearly one of the most difficult aspects of aging I find.

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  17. I deleted my earlier comment. I decided I should inflict my horror at the way our state handles death on you now. I'm sorry with the kind of sorrow that comes from a lived experience that your Leo died in pain.

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