Exile
Definition
“the state of being barred from one's native country, typically for political or punitive reasons.”
I would add "religious."
I am an exile from Ireland. I have been so for fifty six years.
It’s a strange word, exile.
Me, I left because of religious intolerance – which infected entire families – of a woman/girl who became pregnant outside of holy matrimony. Back then, if this happened, there were three choices for a woman in that condition.
(1) Get married if the fellah was honourable and didn’t vanish or deny his responsibility. A choice not available to raped women or girls who were blamed for their condition and were now “spoiled” and deemed unmarriagable for any decent man.
(2)Be incarcerated in a Mother and Baby Home, run by nuns, giving birth in agony (suffering being a reparation for carnal sins committed) and then have the baby whisked away immediately and sold to a decent Catholic family in the U.S.
(3)Become a slave for life in the infamous Magdalene Laundries, mocked, beaten, demeaned and the baby yanked and sold immediately post birth.
(4)Emigrate to the UK, Australia, South Africa or Canada.
I chose options 1 and 4. I was twenty three years old.
To be pregnant and getting married (in a side chapel away from the prying eyes of relatives and friends who would be counting the months) was no joyful event. Disgusted judgment would be wrought upon the family of the bride for raising such a tramp. Fathers would forbid the errant daughter from darkening their doorway so the neighbours could observe their disapproval as would her siblings as a signal as to what could happen to them.
I hid my condition from everyone. I was, luckily, tall and carried high.
My wedding was a grand affair. Absolutely no one knew of my four month’s pregnancy and the Canadian Embassy blessed my potential emigration with free passage to my new country along with free rent on an apartment until we “settled in.” Many employment positions were lined up as Canada was in need of more bodies in the work force. Economically then, Ireland was dismal.
Shortly after the wedding we vamoosed on the SS Carinthia.
Standing on that deck, looking down at the tender taking my grieving family back to Cobh Harbour, I finally realized why it was known as the “Irish Wake”
I didn’t cry. I turned my face to look west, to the new land that awaited me with open arms.
I had exiled myself and my little one to Canada.
Is this a true story? Sometimes on the internet, things aren't so true. If this is a true story can you please give your child a hug from me and tell your child they have the greatest mom in the world.
ReplyDeleteEvery word.
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I am so glad that you had options open to you. So many didn't or at least only had an option which essentially condemned them to purgatory in this life as well as the next.
ReplyDeleteThe entrenched disapproval of a woman who had a baby outside marriage was always absurd and incredibly distressing for the woman concerned. Thank goodness we've moved on a bit since that unhappy time. How marvellous that you feel so at home in your adopted country.
ReplyDeleteI see the regressive policies in the US Nick and know, like in The Handmaid's Tale, those times can return with a vengeance. Many women of my generation were incarcerated and I know several who survived, traumatized, and some were lucky enough to find their children later on. It was a shameful time.
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Such a sad time for you and difficult to leave all you knew but so brave too. Canada greeted you and you embraced that new home. A beautiful place to raise a family. I too was an embarrassment and married some one who didn't really love me. It took me 23 years to leave him, and then at 62 I met my lovely man and today is our 17th Wedding anniversary. Happy Days to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteWell done to you Chris and I am so happy for you that you found the light. My journey wasn't easy in Canada either, being distant from all those I held dear and it was desperately lonely for a while. I could write a lot more on this but today, I am in a very happy place in a wonderful country that has been incredibly good to me.
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The end of this interesting story is quite beautifully written. Maybe Ireland now is similar to England with people like me wondering why anyone would want to leave such a beautiful and lively country, aside from the weather. But I know as my partner has told me many times, it was not like that we he left in 1970. It was a miserable place where few of the working class could see any future beyond surviving until the next day.
ReplyDeleteThank you Andrew. R sees it clearly for what it was. I do now as well. Repressive and women hating while underneath that horrific abuse was being inflicted on helpless children. Miserable indeed and a hugely traumatized country. What astonishes me is that so many still revere the religious cult that enabled all of that.
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I'm so glad you had an out.
ReplyDeleteCheerful Monk
DeleteI feel really, really fortunate CM that my path was out of there. BUT it has taken me a very long time to process all of it and reconcile myself to the harrowing truth of it all.
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I am sure I commented but perhaps it has gone to spam. Such dreadful times and the signs are clear that we could slip/plunge back into them so easily.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you had options. So many did not. Your options were not easy ones, but soooo much better than the ones that others were forced to endure.
And I know some of the badly affected women personally EC. Unforgiveable treatment of both the women and the children. In those times as well "bastard" children were not recognised legally so could not inherit any part of an estate.
DeleteI feel incredibly fortunate this was not my fate.
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It's so dreadfully cruel. I'd be distraught to lose my child that way or to have to leave my home.
ReplyDeleteWhat abominations we impose on one another
Abominations is the right word kylie.
DeleteNo truer words Kylie, those were dreadful times, full of pain and unbelievable hardship.
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You’re smart you went to Canada. the US is regressing something terrible. Mary
ReplyDeleteNot so much smart as fortunate as the child's father was also invested in the welfare of the mother and baby. The US terrifies me and many others. Fingers crossed it will come into the light.
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I'll never understand the vilification of young women who become pregnant, particularly those who were raped. How can anyone possibly say it was their own fault? No one chooses to be raped and those that weren't, well the man/boy is just as responsible for the pregnancy as the girl, yet they so often get away scot free.
ReplyDeleteYes, River 100% agree. Many of these poor girls were raped by a family member or a priest and when they told were beaten to within an inch of their lives for telling such lies about "good men". Ireland was a horror story for women back then. My mother was a victim of a birth procedure (i.e. torture) which I have written about here: https://wisewebwoman.blogspot.com/search?q=Symphysiotomy
DeleteIt used to be cruel. And especially from religious denominations. I can't understand religious denominations vilifying people for something private and personal.
ReplyDeleteNas women were the victims more often than not. The RC church was into everyone's business dictating the rules, citing God. Women have never been equal in the RC church.
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The past treatment of women (and present treatment in many countries for that matter) is unfashionable. Glad that Canada turned out to be a wise choice and a safe haven for you.
ReplyDeleteDavid, I think you meant unfathomable? If so, the church had a huge influence (and still does even in the USA). Women's rights are constantly on the table with the right wingers/conservatives who lean heavily on Xtian support. Witness the reversal of Roe v Wade in the states for one.
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I left Ireland in 1970 - aged 22 - not pregnant - not Catholic - but fed up with being known as so-and-so's daughter and therefore expected to live a certain way of life.
ReplyDeleteI always remember Ireland as being in black and white in the 70s - the final straw was a shopkeeper looking at me disapprovingly as I bought a pound of sausages and saying - You're not eating those today are you?
You do know it's a Friday?
I slid into England by boat and then train.
The feeling of anonymity made me drunk with joy.
There are places still. Not always sausages, but thinking oh head up, after almost 60yrs there's sure to be a smile and a "welcome'. Ha. Ha. Ha. Sixty years. I'm a gonna eat some sausages every Friday from now on. Thanks for your story. Emma
DeleteYS OMG, that happened to me in Dublin where I was on a training session for CIE (one of the first accounting women ever hired there!!) and they paid for a hotel on Bachelor's Quay where the waitress questioned my breakfast choice (nowadays called "The Full Irish" and refused to bring it to me. Served me a kipper. No lie. The Taliban comes to mind.
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Regarding the treatment of a 23 yr old pregnant exile, all you've described and while reading the grip harder and harder on my heart--because it was no different in Canada for a Canadian girl. I won't say more.
ReplyDeleteAnon I was aware of that when I arrived and stayed with a friend of a friend who told me her niece had just been incarcerated in a similar "home" for "unweds" at the age of 18 and was forced to give her baby boy up for adoption.
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