And Another Moment

I have the results of my CAT scan and a subsequent consult with my PC. The CAT scan revealed an 8mm "ground-glass" nodule in my lung. I had never heard the term before and had to look it up.

A ground-glass nodule (GGN) in the lung is a hazy, semi-transparent spot on a CT scan where underlying blood vessels and bronchial structures remain visible. 

My PC, along with the online scan notes, recommended a 3-month CT follow-up to ensure there was no growth or change in the nodule.

So nothing to fear really and I am so delighted it wasn't more serious. Relieved, though seriously I wasn't worried but more fatalistic.

Of course I'm still suffering from the massive night sweats so we talked about what kind of dreams I am having. I do have vivid dreams, very detailed but rarely of the nightmare variety and I do have recall, unlike many. It's like being at a movie most nights, colourful, I'm often driving or looking for something. Last night, for instance, I was looking for a village bank in a big city driving along a busy street. I know. Makes no sense to many but I am a fairly decent dream analyst. To me, this one was a desire to return to a simpler time. Prettier roads, less busy, less complicated. 

She also evaluated my last lab work and the hemoglobin had dropped again so another infusion will be scheduled.

So that's my organ recital over and done with for a while.

Miscellanea.

A portrait of her cat, Dolly, I took for a dear old friend (now deceased at the age of 95)

A photo of my grandgirl sitting and soaking in our gorgeous harbour here in St. John's. Embiggen for full effect.

Another Moment

St. Clare's Hospital, the oldest in St. John's where the CAT scan clinic is.

I've had them before. You know, or maybe you don't, the moment when you're faced with your own mortality? Those kinds of moments. 

In the absence of Daughter, my brother, who is visiting from Costa Rica, took me for a CAT scan on Tuesday. All routine, right? The CAT scan was ordered by my primary care because I have been undergoing severe night sweats.

All nicely routine. Until I was in the pre-procedure room and I was informed there had been a pre-procedure consult and that I needed to make a decision which would involve possible adverse effects due to my rickety kidneys. I needed to have an IV dye so that any possible malignancies could be detected more easily. Sorry for the last-minute decision, but I would need to sign off on this as it was dangerous because of the aforementioned kidneys. After some thought, while my brother kept mum, I agreed and signed off. Loads of water afterwards was recommended. 

Cat scan went well; I behaved myself. The dye was weird, warmth throughout the body. I was offered water afterwards and warned to keep flushing water through my system when I left. The staff were amazing, so very kind and gentle.

Brother said afterwards that if I had consulted him, he would have suggested I go for it, just to make sure they caught whatever would show up.

I had to meet moments like this in the past, the worst being in ER a couple of years ago when I had to sign a DNR. Quite chilling.

No results yet, or alarm bells going off. Yes, I am nervous but also fatalistic. I've had a very good run of it considering the lifestyle I embraced for quite a few years. 

Many cappuccinos were called for after my adventure. All of us siblings are absolutely mad for our cappuccinos.

Jumping Bean is one of our local roasters. Best cappuccinos.

 

Last Minute Person

I'm not a last-minute person anymore. I used to be. Call me, and I'd have been ready in 5 minutes, ready to go out and see a movie, hike a distance, munch on goodies and heave back the drinkies in a bar or restaurant and go on to a nightclub and rock the night away until dawn.

I stare back in astonishment at the creature I was. Packing life in at a furious pace. Up for anything, anytime. Getting by on so little sleep as to be laughable.

I rarely took the time to reflect; there was so little time anyway, with a household to run, a big job to manage, staff to handle, reports to produce. Leisure time was the release valve from all of that. Colleagues became super important (where are they now?)

"Raising Children at Home in Your Spare Time" was an instructional manual us working mothers read, laughed, and followed. Hard to believe now in the era of "helicopter parenting." 

Of course, when we're up to ninety with our lives, every minute packed, we're not dealing with the underlying reasons for all of that. The lack of any kind of reflection which brought us to that place.

Speaking for myself, it was trying to survive an emigration from my native country, an unhappy marriage and frightening responsibilities for a woman (basically a girl) who still hadn't cracked thirty years of age. I had walked out of my strictly controlled father's house into an unheard-of freedom in another country. My own boss. Finally.

But of course I wasn't anywhere near a boss at all. My life was not my own. In those days, the real boss could call you anytime of the night and day, women worked as if they had no other responsibilities (children's sickness, etc). Grounds for dismissal were letting elements of another life creep into your work life. Women's rights were always on the edge as male managers were never impacted by the trivia of domestic life.

Part 1 of I don't know how many parts. I am writing an article on feminism at the moment so this is helping me, sorting out my thoughts before hitting the keys.