Dear Diary

I find myself some mornings, early, lying in bed thinking of death. I mean, that's natural at my age, right? I checked with others of similar elderhood. Yeah, normal they tell me. But, warning, no prolonged inhabiting of that space.

I find it hard to slice the time correctly as it can get into morose territory. The "why bothers", the Black Dog scenario.

I was in a terrible state of sadness for the past week. Overwhelmed so much I had to call and cancel an appearance to give an after dinner talk on How Wonderful My life Is in Spite of Challenges.

I couldn't catch a glimpse of any wonderfuls anywhere and the challenges were resonating non-stop tied up with unrelenting awful memories.

A medication I'm on impacts my movements terribly which adds to my misery. And my doctors are dismissive. And out here on the Edge? Shopping doctors is not a possibility. I'm on this med as a result of my accident and additional family stressors. Walking and race preparation could alleviate this physical handicap to a huge degree but this is insurmountable at the moment. My podiatrist recommended a holistic doctor he knows who may be able to get me off this pharma-treadmill. I've been warned I can have a stroke if I wean myself.

Lately, returning phone calls and emails was the equivalent of climbing a tough mountain. But today? I started and the sadness still shrouds me but I am sharing it with loved ones.

In the midst of writing this, a dear friend dropped by as he was concerned about my invisibility, he had a "feeling." I love that. When a friend senses you are not up to snuff.

I filled him in.

What was clear, suddenly, is that when I am down and sad and don't want to inflict myself on anyone is that those are the exact times I should.

I must write that on my wall.

Energy and Positivity.

Daughter mentioned this wondrous substance first. And she's a living example of its magical properties. She has MS and has been following a holistic, non-pharmaceutical approach to the management of her disease. And has completed binders and binders full of research. She's had a fight on her hands with her doctors for taking an unorthodox approach. The MS Society (and I went to some meetings with her) are very much pro-Pharma and have done painfully little research on the natural, strict diet approach to the management of the disease. H'm, I wonder why?

Daughter eats no gluten, no legumes and no dairy. It hasn't been easy for her but her neurologist has told her that whatever she is doing she should keep it up. He sees no further degeneration in her condition.

The Facts on Multiple Sclerosis

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a chronic condition that affects the central nervous system. This system includes the brain and spinal cord. It contains the nerves that control everything your body does, such as thinking, feeling, seeing, smelling, tasting, and moving. MS affects about 1 in 1,000 people and usually appears between the ages of 20 and 40, although it may occur at any age.

People without MS have nerves that are covered by an intact protective layer known as the myelin sheath. This covering helps to speed electrical signals in the brain. With MS, researchers think that the myelin sheath somehow becomes inflamed and damaged in small patches. It is not known what chain of events starts this damage, but once the injury occurs, electrical signals in the brain are slowed down.
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It is believed that MS is an autoimmune disease (a condition in which an individual's immune system starts reacting against his or her own tissues) and cannot be spread from person to person. For unknown reasons, the immune system sees the myelin sheath as foreign and attacks it.

The numbness in her limbs doesn't alleviate but isn't worsening. She has other symptoms (strength,inflammation, sudden excruciating pain) and sometimes a complete lack of energy with a resultant depression and listlessness.

The point of my writing all of this here is that one of her studies on her disease showed that most of us Northern clime folk are vastly deficient in Vitamin D which results in many auto-immune disorders, too numerous to list here.

At her urging, I began a course of 10,000 IU of Vitamin D daily about five months ago.

I can't believe the change in me and neither can my friends. Seriously. I am full of joy, energy, eating healthily, training for The Tely 10 in July AND the biggest change of all is that I haven't had an episode of the sporadic depression to which I was prone for more years than I care to count. Depression that brought me to my knees carrying me to very dark places of despair and the feeling of what's the use.

The only change I've made to my life was in adding this massive quantity of Vitamin D on a daily basis. I could link to this all over the interwebz but a Google or a YouTube search will give you all the info you need. And please ignore the Pharma Pimps and their nay-saying. They've got a LOT to sell you and deny the benefits of mega quantities of D. I'm living proof. But I wanted to wait a while and be sure. I'm sure now.

I haven't felt this good since God was an altar boy.

Blog Jam

For your pleasure, an old photo from 2005.

Well, I am shocked, I tell you, shocked, that it could be some Big Pharma drug I was on that caused my recent depression and other side effects. I mean, this is unheard of, right? Big Pharma run all sorts of clinical trials before releasing any kind of new drug to the general public, right? And then we have the added layer of government protection, our tax dollars working in stringent oversight provisions to save our lives if Big Pharma pulls the wool over our eyes and just pretends it did some testing and monitored negative effects. Right? It's never about the 5 billion dollars and climbing they make from this particular drug. I mean lives come before grubby dollar always, right? Right?
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Elsewhere I notice something I had dismissed before in how family talk to their elders. There is a gentle, almost hidden patronization in the tone. Pay attention next time.

"Oh is that so, Daddy, well, well, you could be right."

"Oh Mummy, you little weasel you, you forgot to zip up your coat. Naughty, naughty!"

What I find even worse is the complicitness of the elders in this behaviour. I imagine they find it easier than asserting themselves. As if by this passiveness they don't make any waves. They maintain the status quo by buying into this second toddlerdom bestowed on them by their children or other relatives. It is what's expected from them after all.

And then, when I'm alone with these elders, we have a normal intelligent conversation about multiple topics.

Should this be filed under "I've seen the future, baby, and it is murder" department?
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And in the "oh me nerves" division, the play looms ever closer and I find most of my waking thoughts are with the coming debut, swinging between euphoria and rockbottom "ohmygawd what have you done now?"