Boat on the bay, November 2008, taken from deck of my house
I find a creeping paralysis of emotions taking me. I've tried distracting myself, I saw "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" last night. A great distraction. I assigned it an 8 out of 10. But such distractions only inhabit the mind for the time it takes to view the film.
I've a reluctance to connect with friends and family. I prefer this self-imposed isolation. I'm afraid they will see my pyschic distancing from them all. As if they are strangers in a strange land. I bide my time until the feeling passes and I am once again the person they know. Eager to see them, anticipating the solid reconnections.
For now, I resist completely unpacking my suitcases and boxes and hanging clothes in closets and decanting business documents into files. I am a gypsy with Strawbella the caravan waiting outside, tiny in her huge garage, ready for my pots and pans to be hung on the sides.
I read the two books I have on the go at the moment. I journal but only thoughts of what I'm lacking pervade the pages. I miss Newfoundland. Intensely. Deeply. I find the flurry of the city meaningless. The surrounding of the suburbs I inhabit sterile: I went to a small enclave with the dog last night to walk her in reasonable safety and could not find a sidewalk. No pedestrians allowed. No inhabitants walk anywhere. It really frightened me.
I can't make a decision, schedule appointments with clients or commit to a writing workshop with valued colleagues.
I find it hard to sleep which is very unlike me. I was up till 4.00 a.m. I awoke at 10 with a headache. I sneeze all the time.
Perhaps this is the pains of transition from a small, fresh-aired intimate outport to the miasmic pall of the city.
I sense the old black dog pacing the horizon.
Over and over I say to myself : What the f*** is wrong with you?
And
This, too, shall pass.
How long will you stay where you are now?
ReplyDeleteIt shall pass of course but I find transition quite depressing myself. It's that being in a limbo feeling, not belonging "yet" almost.
We are fantasizing about leaving Sydney, despite its beauty we began to seek the less hectic I think.
Gxox
well, yes, it will pass, but what a bitch to have to live with it until it does.
ReplyDeletedo you have to keep movign back and forth? can you not stay in newfoundland? you always seem happy and whole and busy there, and so connected to nature---which must be the opposite of toronto.
if you must be in toronto, you must find a new pattern, and new routine, that involves parks and the out of doors. i think without that, you wither.
I hate to rub it in, WWW, but Markham will do that to you!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I think it's the whole "tra-la, it's a shiny new year, a shiny new day, let's remake our lives" stuff that's in the air at this time of year. It's enough to make an old broad join a nunnery.
Throw the hound in the car whenever you can, and take yourselves outside the city limits for a good long, leashless walk. I'm betting that strong spirit that has seen you through so much worse will triumph ... XOT
PS: I'm bracing myself for a run into Toronto for a client meeting tomorrow, so I really do know how you feel!
I suspect it's simply the alien urban and suburban surroundings that are getting you down. You're obviously much happier in the quieter environment of Newfoundland.
ReplyDeleteAs Tessa says, seek out the wide open spaces beyond the city and you'll probably feel much better. And yes, I'm sure the negative feelings will change into positive ones sooner or later, emotions are so cyclical.
As well as all the extra factors in your particular case, WWW, there's the sudden let-down after Solstice, Christmas and New Year celebrations included in your current malaise. In your case though, that journey in such a freezing climate, your stress waiting for your daughter, all combined to drain you - even though you didn't think it at the time.
ReplyDeleteDon't look at that old black dog - look at Ansa, and think how quickly time will pass - for it will ! Time seems to be passing much faster these days than it ever did before! You'll soon be back in your beloved Newfoundalnd, and appreciating it all the more because of missing it now. :-)
Big cuddly hugs coming atcha, WWW.
@Gaye:
ReplyDeleteYes the jump from rural to urban is a little hard on the old system now and again. I want the feelings to pass and now!
@Laurie:
Business commitment is one of the reasons I'm here, the old income thing. And teh feelings will pass, I know and my beloved friends and family will fill this void.
@Tessa:
A great idea, I normally think of the lake, anywhere with water where I can just be. These ideas vanish when I'm in a funk. Markham is extremely sterile. We lived in old Brampton for years and I never had this feeling of antiseptic estates. Everything clean and polished to the point of no animation. Bleurgh.
@Nick:
Normally I love love love the thriving metropolis, the buzz and energy. I think it is this lifeless enclave. I need to get out of it more.
@T:
You are absolutely right. I didn't acknowledge all the strain over the holidays until a dear friend pointed it out to me this morning.
I actually decanted the clothes and files afterwards and with the feeling of being organized under my belt I'm doing a lot better. Thanks for the hugs!
XO
WWW
I suffer a similar feeling on my return from the mountains and seashores of Wales, back to the foul staleness of central Illinois. It passes, but sneaks back from time to time, prodding me into returning again. This year we're not planning a holiday in Britain, due to the economic situation. I'm already catching glimpses of that black dog, prowling on the horizon.
ReplyDeleteMay your stay in Toronto be short, the income vast, and your return home, swift.
RJA:
ReplyDeleteThank you for such sweet thoughts and I do hope the old piggy bank yields even a short trip to mountains and water.
I'm barking back at our two black dogs!
XO
WWW