Wednesday, August 03, 2011
~~~Through The Fog~~~
I spend a lot of my time alone. Which is my preference. People would say I'm extroverted but I am not. I spent a lot of my time as a child escaping, to bathrooms, under the stairs, solitary bike riding, solitary walking and cliff hiking. Reading. Writing. Playing the piano with the door closed, oblivious to any query as to what was I was playing in there.
I live in my head most of the time. Always have. Escapism? I suppose so. I sometimes find the insanity and pain of the world too much to bear. This heading straight off a cliff into nothingness which looms ahead of all of us. I talk to the spirits of my grandmother and mother that live inside me. Certifiable? Perhaps.
I find it such a challenge to be understood. I would love to do light and fluffy like so many I know but I'm just not put together that way so I hold myself back a lot of the time. I have very few friends that I share my inner thoughts with for fear of being found incomprehensible, or being ridiculed and rejected. I differ in values with a lot of my family. As I get older, I realize the chasms are getting larger rather than smaller. And when I reach out across the voids created by others that were once close to me it is more often than not met with a stinging silence.
Daughter recently went on a hiatus from Facebook as she discovered that it was increasing her sense of isolation, seeing photos of other family members temporarily unite from other corners of the globe and excluding her even though she is in the same city as them and is all by herself. I surmise it was probably inadvertent. People just don't think, do they?
I saw that for myself in the past 9 days when I was carless. Only one person called to see if I needed groceries or anything else. But it just takes the one. I see that too. We just don't think outside our own personal self-contained little boxes.
I am going to try and do better with this. To jump outside my own personal safety net a little more and see if others could use a hand or even a listening ear. And risk.
For after all I am the change I wish to see in the world, right?