I test the waters sometimes. With trusted friends. You know, reveal a bit of the inner. One has to be careful because trust is bathed in fragility for some of us.
My world was uncertain as a child. I could never trust my footing. And yes, I can trace the beginning of it to here.. In untangling my life with the aid of a good therapist, years ago, I got to understand the whys of my personal quirks but corrective measures? They ebb and flow, with the moods, with the atmosphere, with the health.
I never quite trust. And I question did I ever? I hold back. Waiting for a chasm of indifference to yawn up in front of me. Nothing is forever. Those good feelings of today can vanish with the crack of dawn tomorrow. Ones I love so desperately and completely can vanish, can shun, can evaporate without a wave of farewell or a wisp of explanation for their frigidity.
And I confess to surprise and shock when people around me show me a measure of love and respect I feel unearned. I want to push them, to test them, to prove to myself I was never worth the fine feelings they exhibited towards me to begin with.
It is said a life unexamined is not worth living. I concur. Even though the answers can be ephemeral. How do we know what goes on inside another's head? Are they uncertain too? Not that they'd ever admit it. Not that I would. Unless clothed in anonymity.
But some days, some days, I would give anything to feel my footsteps ring firm on solid ground.
I am thinking that one has to get to a certain point in life to really see how they have lived their life. Or, is that just me? I was so busy living that I had little time to think. Now, in retirement, I have the time to consider my life, the decisions I made, the work I've done. I'm not always pleased with what I find, and wish, for a brief moment, that I could redo that part that rankles me now in old age.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel, dkzody, that I haven't learned a thing. For if I did, life wouldn't hurt so much sometimes :(
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Well, I have certainly lost my naivety, which for some reason I hung on to for a long time. I think that loss and the having to admit it, created the big chaos in me and made me lose it for a while. I have become a cynic, which in the end I like better for someone of my character. But I am not completely jaded. I am an optimist despite also being a realist. I still hold out some hope for the good in everyone. And that means, love.
ReplyDeleteThat's interesting - I had a similar experience of being left in a hospital young (3, 4 & 5 years old). I probably only had to stay overnight each time, but I was scared and lonely. When my own son had to spend three nights in a hospital at 2 1/2 when he had brain surgery, I was there the whole time, by his crib when he woke up, holding him sa soon as they let me.
ReplyDeleteIrene:
ReplyDeleteLoss of naivety, that happened at a very young age for me. Yeah, I am cynical. Of course. But my trust issues are the ones that bite me all the time.
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SAW:
ReplyDeleteThank goodness hospitals have changed and kids don't have to be left on their own anymore. Or put in adults' wards and used as a butt of jokes.
I still go back in nightmares to that time. Traumatizing for sure :)
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My therapist would get so angry at what was once upon a time standard treatment for sick children. Measles almost carried me off at age five, too. And I was hospitalized and felt that awful abandonment. My mother
ReplyDelete"cured" me by doing nothing much for months but holding me on her lap.
Now one grandkid is having health problems and I'm so glad that she will probably come through her illness and treatment untraumatized, due to enlightened parents and medical personnel.
Our childhood experiences do pave our life and can cause a real burden to us all through our it. We can live with things though and we don't have to be beaten by these fears.
ReplyDeleteI think we do have to trust but then I often feel insecure and abandoned and it's not easy to move on though most of the time I do.
Maggie x
Nuts in May
Did I write this :)
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I have to agree with you on a couple things. No, I don't think you can ever really 'know' someone, and I've learned that often you don't really want to be inside their head.
ReplyDeleteTrust...it's possible, but when coupled with the above, it's something that is only proven correct over time. And as you've noted, time changes things, sometimes a lot.
And yes, how things can turn on a dime, reversing course. A phone call in the middle of the night, you see it's from one of your kids.
So far I've found few things ameliorate this condition. My personal treatment is habit and routine. Sort of works.
I find that how much I trust someone varies from person to person. Some people I trust immediately, they just seem to be honest and sensitive. Others I instantly mistrust, there's something shifty about them. But yes, sometimes that trust turns out to be misplaced and I end up getting hurt. And however long you live and whatever lessons you think you've learned, hurt is inevitable from time to time.
ReplyDeleteStrange dichotomy I've got going on at the moment. Watching Dancing with the Stars and reading this post. I've read it 3 times and gone to the link about your past.
ReplyDeleteThe Black Dog: I can't believe I've lived my entire life and not heard the expression until today - here, and earlier on Bear's blog (Bear's Noting).
Horrific life situations exist all around the globe. Sometimes I can force myself to be immune to the feelings; but at others times like now, I wonder why. Why the burden of the black dog? I'm sorry you're stuck with it here and there.
Hattie:
ReplyDeleteThe inadvertent damage done to kids makes my heart break. And as I said, I can't imagine what my parents went through with two of their kids in hospital at the same time and all their birth families far away in other towns.
I still dream of what happened in nightmare form. Subconscious, etc.
Yes, today is far more enlightened and how lovely your mother cuddled you for so long after.
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Yeah, me too Maggie and it's only now and again my insecurities raise their uglies and I feel so insecure in this world.
ReplyDeleteIt has passed now thankfully. Until the next time :)
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OWJ:
ReplyDeleteSoul sisters yet again :)
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SFM:
ReplyDeleteI agree routine and discipline help to alleviate these symptoms but now and again-----
Yes, I worry a lot about estranged daughter and find it so difficult to talk about and find her erasure by other family members particularly stressful. As if she never existed. And then I get uncertain again.
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Nick:
ReplyDeleteYes, inevitable. It is isn't it? Sometimes I want to lean, just for a while, and I look around and there is nowhere to lean.
Yes I have a good "gut" sense as well but sometimes it lets me down :(
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Anita:
ReplyDeleteI think it was Winston Churchill who first coined the term, or at least used it to describe his own depressive outlook.
Thanks for your perusal of my blog, throwing stuff out there I realize I am not alone.
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I have been sitting at my computer for a long time after reading your Black Dog post and linking to your very sad time in hospital. I wonder exactly what happens to us during these painful episodes. Do pathways in our brains shiver and shake and/or curl up in little balls never to straighten up again? What is the connection to creativity? I was on Prozac for 5+years and there is no doubt it made the glass appear half full which in turn made life easier. At what cost? How does it work - does it actually straighten up those pathways? Permanently or temporarily?
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in my forties an older woman [younger than I am now - she was 76!] told me that old age was the time when you get to see how the pieces of the puzzle fit. She was right. I wonder if the day we die is the day the puzzle in completed?
By “the normal ones” I guess you mean the people who appear to be or are truly secure. I have met so few of them. I wonder if the rough road down the birth canal doesn’t leave us all insulted, damaged and afraid? Sorry this is so long.
Take care Wise.
Betty:
ReplyDeleteI believe something dies, I really do, certainly trust and that indescribable quality that all children are born with, the simple joy of living and having a faith that they are loved for just who they are.
It wasn't long after this hospital stay that I was molested for the first time. One more breach of trust.
I am actually amazed all of us damaged wee people survived :)
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I give newcomers the benefit of the doubt, until they prove me wrong. That said, I have a very strong 'gut' instinct about people and not often wrong.
ReplyDelete'Are they uncertain too?'
ReplyDeleteWhat a question. Is anyone certain?
Those who are aren’t worth the flesh and blood they’re made of. That is, if it is indeed flesh and blood and not cardboard.
GM:
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sharp that way myself, I'm mainly thinking of those I formerly trusted.
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Friko:
ReplyDeleteSome appear to be really certain, maybe they're arrogant.
I like to think I'm not alone in my own thinking.
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Brene Brown's books are the answer.
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