I am reminded of how fragile we all are. Regularly it seems.
I'm having some medical workups done at the moment, the usual (I would think). I avoid doctors. But I recognise also that for some it is inevitable. And I need some evaluation as my stress level is far too high right now. So tests. And tests.
I was the one who insisted my BFF Helen demand answers last August when I was in Dublin. She'd been feeling "weird" for a while. You complete a marathon in May and sit under a patio heater in June and feel full of brain sludge the following morning which won't leave and then get prescribed anti-depressants until you can no longer articulate what's wrong with you and your stash of books goes unread and you can't eat. And that story resonates with many. Symptoms missed or misconstrued and women? Anti-depressants! I believe most of the world is on anti-depressants. They are supposed to be a short term solution while therapy sorts one out permanently. Meanwhile, my glorious life-long friend died excruciatingly of a brain tumour in December.
Big Pharma makes of it a racket. And the effects are audible and visible. More brain sludged innocents meandering around. A sedated population is malleable, yeah? I'd say many of my intimates are on such meds. Some tell me, some I perceive as being not quite there at times.
I was suicidal at one low point in my life. And I was prescribed anti-ds while I underwent therapy. A good therapist is essential. Mine sorted me out, I couldn't believe all the repressed stuff that kept pouring out. This was after I sobered up and let go of my 40+ a day smoking habit. The alcohol and nicotine had kept everything nicely tamped down. I was a raging lunatic for a while. Couldn't believe all the repressed emotions. Particularly around this and this
But like they say, the brilliant they, you never quite leave the room(s) you slept in as a child. Profound when you think about it.
So yeah, I remind myself to breathe, especially when those frayed old scenes start haunting me.
And you know? When I wrote those long ago blog-posts about my own childhood, my volume of emails from you guys out there went through the roof. It's good to know I'm not alone.
It IS good to know we're not alone. It really is. I remember during intense lasting grief after the death of a family member, driving along, looking at the beauty of the land, and thinking, "It's nothing but a vale of tears" and realizing yes, that's true ... for all of us, not just me. And it was a comfort because it made it seem natural, normal, not an aberration, not a horror happening only to me.
ReplyDeleteSo very true, SJG, it gets sadder as we get older and it's all conflated with a kind of wonder we're still this side of the daisies. So a mixed bag of emotions of loss and gratitude and all that entails.
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Thankfully I have never gone down the road of sleeping tablets or anti-depressants! Mammy had a solution for agnst, anger or frustration, to suit the day: Cut the grass, chop sticks or fill a coal bucket. Windows needing cleaning, furniture to polish or silver to be cleaned. Anger made a great buffer for a shine you could see yourself in. Today it is still the method I use as my cure all. The best way to forget about the thorns - the pains and problems they causeed was to go to the movies for a comedy that made you laugh until the tears had washed out your eyes of the good old weepie - do they make them anymore?
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I have plenty of health issues to bring me down, but sinking under is letting them win and that I have no intention of doing!
Stay well my friend.
GM:
ReplyDeleteYou were built of stronger stuff than me. Thankfully. I do believe I was born missing a few layers of skin. And I've talked to others like me who feel the same. Aucun a son gout as they say.
You have your challenges at the moment and I'm rotting for you, hopefully you'll be all sorted soon :)
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I had bloodwork this morning and will know in about 4 days that I am ok, just aging and not accepting much.
ReplyDeleteWe share
we travel similar roads
but this one never drink or other addictions,
or maybe just bad men :)
just sad
about so much that happened years ago
that did not need too.
But then he is still around
crazier then ever
wonder if he sleeps at night.
Thinking of you as we travel onward.
I do have wonderful children and grandchildren
but they have their lives and I am on the fringe
of their busy lives...
Men can be an addiction too Ernestine, I too had a trip with them, let the good ones go, focussed on the 'bad boys'. Youth! Hormones! I don't regret the past, it is all in the journey to reach a destination of contentment though I would like to "fix" a few situations, I know it's beyond my control. Stay well my friend :)
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Good luck with the medical workups. I've grown to resent their intrusions into my life, necessary intrusions but intrusions nevertheless. I assume you've consulted someone because of a problem that you're experiencing. I hope the tests turn up an easily-fixable or already resolving problem.
ReplyDeleteLike Grannymar, I've always managed to stay away from anti-depressants and find other ways of relieving pain or sadness or emotional turmoil in general. I react badly to drugs of any kind so tend to avoid them anyway. I've just been prescribed a couple of drugs (for an enlarged prostate) which caused so many severe side effects I've had to stop taking them.
ReplyDeleteThe therapy obviously did you a great deal of good and brought a lot of suppressed emotions to the surface. In the long run much more helpful than a load of toxic drugs, I would say.
caught up again.
ReplyDeleteI think even when I’m taking myself offline for a day or two I should always look in here.
We are sisters. I am sure of it. (and not even on anti-ds).
I think the issues you talk about (depression, childhood abuse) are so much more common than a lot of people would like to think. It's good to be reminded we aren't alone in it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda, my BP has skyrocketed due to stress and I'm having trouble with the meds. I hope it's resolved soon :(
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Nick:
ReplyDeleteIt's dependent on the therapist and I had a stellar one.
I hope your health issues clear up holistically. Old age, as Bette said, is not for sissies. :)
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Friko:
ReplyDeleteYes, we are indeed. I'm lucky to have a few kindred spirits on line.
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SAW:
ReplyDeleteAnd you should know seeing so much of it. Brushing it all under the rug doesn't do anyone any good as the issues never, ever get dealt with and anti-ds just muffle it up further.
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