When troubled I would lie on my small bed face down and imagine myself soaring over hills and mountains and then off into the sky, cruising over waves and boats and trees and houses.
"Oh" said my friend D to me last year, a couple of days before she died, "I can't bear the thought of my mind being gobbled up by this disease." Me too, D. Me too.
My mobility is impacted by some serious health issues. I am waiting for specialist evaluation to see if there's a solution.
But meanwhile I pace myself and prop myself on some hiking poles, counters, whatever is handy. I'm goodly for about 25 paces and then, suddenly, the power is gone, like pulling a plug out of a socket.
Dr. Google alarms me greatly so I avoid.
I also avoid talking about it with friends. There's nothing worse than a medi-bore.
Except for here.
The once.
My point? I am surprised at how unlimited I feel inside me. I celebrate all that is good and wonderful about my life.
I've discovered I'm far kinder to myself than I would have anticipated. I talk myself through fearsome challenges. And congratulate myself on a job well done if I've made it to the garage and into my car.
I've eliminated some previously terribly important and unletgoable items from my diet with ease. My goal is perhaps being under my normal weight to ease pressure on my vascular system. But I haven't overanalyzed this, it just seemed like time. I don't feel deprived. At all.
I find I'm in a really good head space. I anticipated much whining and berating of my misfortune and button-holing of willing ears. But no, that hasn't happened.
It's not a misfortune. And I don't compare to others' setbacks or worse-off scenarios - always terribly unhelpful, IMO.
It just is.
Inside, every dream is still realizable.
You will find ways to adapt, some perhaps more difficult than others or not, and still love breathing, writing, seeing things and people that bring you joy, and tempting your life of who and what does not. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteFoiled by autocorrect yet again. "tempting " should be "emptying."
DeleteI so enjoyed my day of non-connection yesterday I'm repeating it today E!
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It's frightening, is what it is, to be living in these bodies that are NOT ours. It's like we're on some kind of scheduled rot.
ReplyDelete"I've eliminated some previously terribly important and unletgoable items from my diet with ease. " You have? You're doing well then. Do you think it will help, or just make you more miserable.
A lightness has encompassed me - anon could you please sign your first name to your comments as anon can be anybody?
DeleteThanks!
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When whatever happens, happens to us -- however great or small -- it matters, as we must adjust, adapt and cope. There is no less impact because others we know have more serious issues. Engaging the mind can certainly help. Hope all goes well for you.
ReplyDeleteEngaging the mind, absolutely Joared, no matter what physical travails and challenges.
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P.S. WWW: I find a rolling computer chair to be the best mobility aid around home, either sitting in it and pushing backward with my feet to my destination, or standing up holding the back as I push it along walking behind. Much more stable than canes or walking sticks. In the kitchen you can pull it around with your arms, very easy on tile. You can also get it into the bathroom. Stairs is another matter. I'd move my bed into the main level if my bedroom was upstairs.
ReplyDeleteI live in a very old house anon, rickety wooden floors, intemperate rooms. I am managing.
DeleteThank you.
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oh how I relate
ReplyDeletemy problem with mobility is Arthritis
do not like it
and it is progressing.
So I do all I know to do
and cry when no one is around.
Take care of yourself
and when you have an answer
it does help..
It will help when I see the specialist and perhaps get some hope/resolution.
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"The first rule of super brain is that your brain is always eavesdropping on your thoughts. As it listens, it leans. If you teach it about limitation, your brain will become limited.
ReplyDeleteBut what if you do the opposite? What if you teach your brain to be unlimited?”
~ Deepak Chopra
I do believe mine is Ramana.
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Sounds as though you are coping admirably! It's good to be amazed at what you're capable of. It always gives me courage.
ReplyDeleteAdaptability and change. My young friend has also inspired me greatly. Her challenges have been so mind boggling so as to pale mine. Amazing how life is. Truly.
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You are in my thoughts, my dear. If only our own lives were something we could control completely, eh? Feel free to write,you have my email.
ReplyDeleteMike
Mike I will write and haven't forgotten a joint project with you.
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A brain might be gobbled up by a disease but NOT the mind...not possible mind is NOT physical, YOU exist even when body and brain are gobbled up something to keep in MIND LOL ;) Strange but true...keep on keeping on WWW all our energies go out in the ether to support ya darlin', ain't life a ride ya gotta love it...the good and the bad!
ReplyDeleteI embrace all of life, Anon. Am mindful of the challenges I've had in the past and the deep friendships that support me.
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Keeping mum about your health woes has another benefit beyond your fear of boring people: you don't have to fend off so many of the multiple "magic cures" everyone offers you. My best wishes to you as to the health problems and my congratulations to you for letting your spirit soar while dealing with them. I have unaccountably improved lately, but in these last years, I have tried to take my cues from my beloved animals, letting each day be what it is, reveling in moments in the sun when the come. I'm not always as successful as my companion animals have been. Sometimes pain colors my mood more than I want, so I doubly applaud you.
ReplyDeleteAnd fear too Linda, I imagine. I awake some mornings in fear with the pain. And then know as I arise and perform some simple yoga that it fades. I am sorry to hear you are similarly afflicted.
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I agree with Linda P. It gets tiresome, the fending off does. I am admiring and envious of you making dietary changes so easily. I'm trying to reduce the sugar consumption and it's right up there with trying to quit smoking (which I have done countless times and hopefully never again). I also like the Anonymous rolling computer chair advice, provided one's floor is suitable.
ReplyDeleteDid I mention vacuuming? Yes, you just roll around actually square yard by squary something, pushing the vacuum wand in front of you. Do you know what? It's the victory of coping without becoming fodder for multiple "allied health care" people parasiting their living off your disability. Coping. Haha. On my OWN.
DeleteThis is the one I presently have WWW. I recommend armrests, becasue you often need to press down on them to get yourself up and also they keep you from fall off one side. Be sure it tilts/rocks a bit. Very soothing. http://www.staples.ca/en/Staples-Stiner-Fabric-Managers-Chair-Black/product_102402_2-CA_1_20001
DeleteAnnie - I quite smoking nearly 30 years ago, I know how hard it was. I've struggled for years with giving up gluten. I'm addicted to bread. But so far so good since Christmas. I'm not making a big deal of it. Sugar I released a long time ago.
DeleteI must say I am astonished with the ease at which bread left me. My body being so grateful has helped me. I don't want to experiment with gluten free breads as I might be triggered. I'm an all or nothing women. No little tastes or sips of anything I'm addicted to.
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I've found hiking poles useful outside Anon, rolling around here, vacuum or otherwise wouldn't work. Old house. So far so good in the house with rests.
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What's the use of a blog if you can't express any and everything you please. :) Here, you can be a medi-bore; which actually, here, you can't. Because if we are reading and responding, we care.
ReplyDeleteA friend and I were recently having the age-old conversation of whether we'd rather give up our physical bodies or our minds. Until recently, it was my body that I felt could go first, but now, not so sure.
On a more cheery note, I continue to wish good things for you and I'm happy that your quality of life is worth fighting for.
A fellow blogger is writing about her husband' descent into dementia and it has given her blog-friends pause to reflect on mind and body. it's complex, really but must be very frustrating to realize your mind is going?
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I'm glad to read that a solution may be possible. It sounds like you're coping as well as anyone possibly could. And not boring for a moment. -Kate
ReplyDeleteThank you Kate. Blessings to you.
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I absolutely love it when bloggers delve into what is real in their lives, and that includes health issues. It gives me perspective. And I like how you are dealing with it, by taking charge of the parts of it you can control.
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