Saturday, June 30, 2018

Variations on the Melody of Love - Part 4

Lana at the site of the Reversing Falls.

See Part 1 here
See Part 2 here
See Part 3 here

First of all thank you for the very supportive messages sent to me. This has has been extraordinarily difficult to write. I am also conscious of Lana's privacy (her name has been changed and of course I am anonymous). However, there's a catharsis to this as well, and I am a firm believer in sharing both taboo or difficult topics in an effort to bring more understanding to challenges we may face along the way. One of Lana's favourite expressions is "throw the floodlights into the dark corners of your life" and this she has done in her own life and has also encouraged me to do the same. Only then can we heal.

Lana has been enormously helpful to me over the years. She has a very loving, understanding heart and is brutally honest with others and with me. I know she has read this blog (my invitation) in the past but such technology is beyond her now. My teaching her texting has been a giant leap for her and this is also assisting her in memory jogging and more on that later.

Once The Conversation was out of the way, we settled down to chatting about her condition. It was very emotional, many long hugs, tears and then the jokes. Our senses of humour had not failed us. At the end of Day 4 as we sat there in the living room, she said:

L"I hope I'll remember all of this in the morning."

Me"I should have a tape recorder perhaps."

L"It would get too full and then where would we be?"

M"Maybe just the important points?"

L"What are those?"


Sometimes we have to dig deep in our hearts for understanding and words.

She says: "my brain feels like a long highway and the potholes surprise me. And the stones and pebbles too. I can't predict them."

"Much like life," I respond, "We just never know when our stumbles and falls are going to occur."

There was much in the power of silence.

Love takes many shapes and sizes, I think. The love between two friends can surpass many types of love when total honesty prevails and our fears, our hurts, our uncertainties find an often trembling voice. Only then do we find strength, only then do we gather the courage to carry on.

We hold on to each other physically many times. I touch her more often than I normally would. Assurance. Trust. I kiss her forehead as I would a child. I don't know when, if ever, we'll see each other again. I stay in the moment. I act normally and she notices.

"Before," she says, "I knew there was something wrong in our conversations, a slight reaction on your face, a little shock sometimes, though you tried to cover it. I was aware of you being patient and kind in repeating things for me. But I couldn't verbalize this without pulling down all the walls. I knew I had to probe deeper and find words to break through. But now, there's no barrier at all, now we can talk in the sunshine!"

See Part 5 here.


  1. Lana's words in your last paragraph were so strong and so touching. Yes indeed, love does take many shapes and sizes - and can be found in many different circumstances - in the one you so sensitively describe, it's there for sure!

  2. I wish I could have had a similar time with my friend who just died. She would not let me know that this past year was one of complete mental and physical deterioration. I only learned about it after she died. People told me stories that I could hardly believe. They just didn't jive with the friend I had known for 38 years. You are fortunate to have this time together.

    1. I am so sorry DKZ, how awful for you. Perhaps you are meant to just remember her in the time of good friendship with her and not in her decline.

      I remember one friend of mine refusing to see anyone, just waiting to die. Wanting to be remembered in her joy rather than fear.


  3. This brought tears to my eyes...

  4. Again, I can only thank you for sharing. What a lovely friendship you two have. -Kate

  5. I just read these very emotionally moving posts in succession. Your words revealed the deep close loving friendship that you’ve both had through the years. You certainly made what could have become a very awkward situation one that can be a treasured memory though bittersweet in some respects. She would have the sensory memory of a pleasantness even if the specifics become long forgotten. Losing in one way or another those for whom we care so much is one of the most difficult aspects of aging, I think.

  6. Phew! You are a remarkable person WWW. I hope that the trip is helpful to your friend.


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