Saturday, August 22, 2020

Life Management

It's tricky this business of life management once old age, pain, lack of energy, unpredictable moods plus this pandemic come into the picture.

I sometimes scream inwardly: take me now.

I did this at the car dealership yesterday, waiting for an emergency job on my car to be over with. Nothing to do with the staff who were incredibly helpful in a terribly busy day. But walking back and forth between the distant waiting room and the technician to review and approve the work with no seating where he was, was a crisis of endurance for me even though George, my cane, was there to lean on. I literally felt ill. It was a nerve wracking day with a short spurt at the beach to calm my nerves when Daughter picked me up between dental appointments (crown work). I hate being seen like this. Needy. In pain. Breathing all out of alignment.

I was exhausted. I am exhausted a lot. Everything seems like another hill to climb if I don't manage me and my energies well. Sometimes there is nothing left over.

Daughter organized this quiet day for my birthday last weekend, she sees and senses, as no one else, the limits of my endurance. I can pretend at times when with others (oh the effort!) that life is hunky dory, but the strain of this catches up with me and flings me to the metaphorical ground and I have to isolate. I hate being seen when I feel defeated by everything and everyone.

And it's not just the physical stuff that drains me. It's the mental and emotional as well. Emails, texting, visiting, phone-calls, social expectations. Very few understand this and I am grateful to those who do. Sometimes I have nothing left for a few days and need to recuperate.

All these feelings are exacerbated by the pandemic of course. And I am very aware of that.

Meanwhile, I sat among some en-plein-air artists on the beach yesterday and did nothing, said nothing, just watched the artists and the baby ducks and the water. And emptied my mind for an hour shoving the enormous burden of all that ailed and troubled me aside.


  1. Sitting and enjoying nature and artists on a warm beach sound pretty much like a much needed cure in my ears. Sometimes I want to scream as well, but as nobody hears my screams, I am silent and go somewhere else in the hope of finding a few ounces of strength to carry on. I hope you get better at managing this. We all have to learn.

  2. More outdoor time sounds like the ticket/sans people.
    A nap or three during the day. Turning off your social media for a while. We don't have to know everything all the time.
    Feel at peace in your surroundings. We care, share.
    I feel a nap coming on right now.

  3. Your time on the beach sounds like an essential to me.
    And yes, I hear your screams. And scream with them. I am so often screaming within that I wonder that others don't hear it.
    Gentle cyber hugs of solidarity are wafting your way.

  4. Time to sit and do nothing is good. It has taken me a lifetime to learn this. And what a blessing to have a daughter who understands.

  5. Children and adults alike nowadays don't make enough time to just sit without any reading material, tv or devices. Watching artists, ducks and water sounds ideal for brain relaxation.

  6. Hooray for time on the beach. Time to sit and stare, anywhere, is fine time.

  7. I know that test of endurance which comes in expected and unexpected ways, when my mind screams to rest as much as my body.
    I'm glad you got some beach time!

  8. I wish there were things I could do or say that would help, but all I can do is wish you well and wish you peace, as much as possible.

  9. This is not new. This too shall pass. Keep faith.

  10. That must have been a wonderful respite from the turmoil. I would have enjoyed watching artists paint outdoors.

  11. All I can suggest is, cut down your commitments to a manageable number, focus on the things that are relaxing and undemanding, and just keep on truckin!

  12. I think time out in nature is key. And maybe shaving off some commitments? If there is a benefit to this pandemic it's that we all have a built-in excuse for not doing things.


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