We all have it. Some have trunks, some suitcases, some carryons, some as light as a fancy knapsack. But there is no escaping it. I've always loved the analogy of someone running far from home, even to escaping on a boat and when she finally pulls into harbour, there's all her left behind baggage waiting for her on the pier.
I'm talking emotional baggage of course.
So I was inspecting my baggage this morning. It does change from day to day, week to week. I no longer have trunk loads of the stuff.
But I do have some. A mixed bag (ha!) now. Some of it is light and fluffy, some dark.
(1)In the bigger suitcase is a long time friend whose cancer has spread. To say I am devastated is to understate it. I can't imagine life without R in it. And this opens up all the other losses of dear friends, nearly uncountable now. This is the price tag of aging but it still doesn't alleviate the weight of the pain. It also opens up in a different way how R has been so supportive over the years in all kinds of ways. Each memory pops up in light and fizzles in darkness.
(2) My PC is not performing well after the recent long 6 hour update (seriously). Everything has slowed, and in the way of my head and living alone, this takes up enormous worry space in the luggage.
In the lighter train case today, is gratitude for friendships and dear ones who check up on me. Also grateful for the advice of an expert at my local CBD store who recommended a brilliant new tincture. It alleviates the worst of my pain. Three new books from the library are there along with the groceries Daughter picked up for me on the weekend and the countless acts of kindness she so freely offers so many times. The fog is coming and going today, I absolutely love the fog, smothering sound and landscaping with abandon. Hiding the numerous birds and blurring the trees. My larder is full and a new shelving unit was delivered for the (large) locker room in my apartment which I will photograph a la Andrew when I am completely organized (dream on, I say, dream on). But I always stack my goals in the traincase. We all need some kind of target.....
A loud and emphatic YES on the baggage. Baggage which often burdens me - ironically the heaviest is trying/hoping not to be a burden on anyone else.
ReplyDeleteI so understand that EC, I am conscious of Daughter who has her own issues (not that you'd ever know) and causing her unnecessary anxiety over me.
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It must hard to watch someone you hold so dear deteriorate. Family is different. This is someone you chose or chose you or both to be a friend.
ReplyDeleteSix hour update? Something is wrong somewhere. Maybe it's time for an operating system reload?
New shelves and without personal injuries!
Windows took that long Andrew. I was so surprised. Thanks about the shelves I will have a helper.
DeleteI just heard from my friend, he's not one to talk about his own ills, but the relief I feel is overwhelming.
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Operating system reload? That sounds like something I need to know more about. Just in case I should ever need it.
DeleteWindows updates, River, that took forever. System had picked up a bit more speed today. I have a standby tech guy who can fix things remotely if needed :)
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You have a locker room in your apartment?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear your friend's cancer has advanced, but very glad to hear you are getting helped by your daughter and also have new books to read. I love fog too.
Yes, quite a large room (could be used as a small office/den which I had considered but storage was needed for the yarns photo albums and assorted flotsam and jetsam of my 77 years on this earth.
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So sorry to hear about your friend. Life is sure friggin' hard sometimes. -Kate
ReplyDeleteHe will leave an enormous hole for sure, Kate.
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I have always used the baggage analogy to tell people to pack up their grievances, shut it, lock it, and set it down, toss it over a bridge, get rid of it.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your friend and you.
It's a good one Joanne. So visual when practised.
DeleteThanks for your kind thoughts.
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A lovely post even in its sadness. How wonderful to have such a daughter.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sandra, she is a treasure though we've had our tough years too. It's all the sweeter now though.
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My heart goes out to you. Only you could have written this poignant post.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ramana.
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My first time visiting here and what a lovely, sad, and poignant post.
ReplyDeleteWelcome Inger and thank you.
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So sorry to hear about your friend's cancer spreading. Prayers. As for the lighter luggage, go for it. I like your daughter for being so kind to you. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteThank you Gigi. I am truly blessed indeed.
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Losing a friend is so difficult under any circumstances so empathize with you. Yes, we have much in our luggage which, fortunately, includes some wonderful memories. Do treasure those you recall.
ReplyDeleteIt must be so disheartening to lose friend after friend, especially friends who have been very close and given you support and encouragement in so many ways. By the time my mum died at 96 she had lost virtually all her old friends and she felt desperately lonely.
ReplyDeleteAs for emotional and psychological baggage, I've got plenty of that. It can impinge on me when I'm least expecting it and when I could do without loopy distractions.
I don't have many words of wisdom, but I think of how grieving is amplified in this environment, for you, grieving this news, and for your friend, too, coming to terms with this. It's harder to hold onto a sense of meaning and hope, but it seems that you're finding hope in gestures such as your daughter's, in adding those books. It was a lovely thing for her to do. Signing up to Twitter and following writers new and long-admired has shored up my hope both for my own writing and also the world in which we all live.
ReplyDeleteI have an older friend who is in constant pain from various ailments including scoliosis. The pain is unbearable and everything takes her so long to do. She has tried CBD oils and nothing helped. I was wondering if you would share via email? JMCGUIN7@GMAIL.COM
ReplyDeleteEmotional baggage, I have managed to let some go. But there is still a lot to carry. Some family and some friends, lost over the years that make me sad. Lost physically but the ones that hurt to most are lost by distancing or "ghosting" as it is often called.
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