All sorts of thoughts crowd into your head some days. At least they do in mine.
I am so grateful for the massive reach-out in my last post. Like a ginormous hug. I have the best of readers. The absolute best.
It meant more than I can say as I traverse a sad journey alone apart from the support of my family and you wonderful readers.
I had one of those thoughts about aging this morning and I'm throwing it down here.
The natural (unnatural?) instinct of old age is to get more and more selfish. The organ recital for one. Every time I meet some people (fellow tenants, randoms in coffee shops) they launch into their ailments. I call it the organ recital. That's fine but they never offer a question as to my state of being.
I am blessed in that I have a fellow traveler in our journeys of ill health and we launch into our challenges, big and small with each other and care deeply about ongoing nasty health issues. But that's it for me. I get comfort from her emails and I trust she from mine.
I rarely talk about mine to others unless asked (and I am astonished how rarely I am asked.)
But around me the bleats go on but I also notice that their language is full of bleats. About everything. And I have to deal with them being in the position I am.
There is so little joy in these elders' lives and I wonder why. I could list all The Things and they are all the same.
- Nobody calls
- Nobody visits
- I hate the *fill in the blank* here
- I don't like being bossed around.
- Organ Recital.
- I'm bored.
- So and so is pissing me off.
- Nobody cares if I live or die.
- Life was so much better back then.
Had a call yesterday evening from just such an acquaintance. I almost didn't answer the call, but had been unable to talk the last time she called, so took a deep breath and answered. I do my very best to "jolly" her out of any whining she might attempt. Unfortunately, she has moved herself to a town where she knows no one and then had a major medical crisis with little to none health care available nearby. I do feel badly for her situation, and she is too far away for me to help in person.
ReplyDeleteYesterday's conversation went well for about 45 minutes and then she went down a rabbit hole. I realized the time and said I really had to go as I had another task to accomplish. Ended on a high note.
Good for you on calling quits on the call early enough. I find I use humour a lot. Often with crickets in response but it sure helps me. Deflecting with: we all have our woes, don't we? is usually followed by disappointment. But having said that, I always find time for those who are in chemo or terrified of test results, etc.
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I've always thought, too, that doing something for someone else is the ticket to lifting one's mood. Or maybe even just reaching out for a chat does the trick. As for the organ recital, it occurs to me that we talk about this stuff because it's a shock -- like, what is thing that's happening that's never happened to me before? -- so it always seems like "news." Like maybe someone else knows more about it than we do and can offer an idea for relief. Even an explanation. Even a "me too."
ReplyDeleteI observe how my dad (85) makes his way through hard physical times. I see more and more how I'm like him, and notice how what he does affects his state of mind and his health. I try to remember that I'm not there yet (only 65) so am in no position to judge, having never felt as shitty, weak, and oomphless as he has lately, but I see that he's thinking about what's coming and how he's going to handle it. I'm taking mental notes. What I especially realize now is that life often turns up the most unexpected physical conditions, the ones we never believed would happen to US. That has to be a most difficult adjustment in attitude; from resistance to acceptance and then some. How to stay positive and enjoy life is probably all about appreciating the best of right now. On the other hand, I know I know nothing about it, about how it's going to be.
It's really unknown territory Kate until we live it. I squelch my desire to bang on and focus, seriously, on the slivers of joy that are in every day if we look for them. But sometimes it's a conscious effort if I'm worried about lab work or or or. It seems my life some weeks is dominated by medical appointments. But I know I am extraordinarily lucky with my workshops, my work, my writing and my volunteerism. And I love all of that.
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People who moan non-stop or bang on about their medical issues are very tedious. Why do they think they're worth listening to? I'm fortunate to have friends who are usually positive about life and haven't yet lapsed into the moan moan syndrome.
ReplyDeleteHow will you handle it, do you think Nick, if they do? Or you do? I am so fortunate with my friend and I who have given each other permission to whine and whinge all we want at each other. It's like a pressure valve gets blown. And we carry on with other stuff.
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Sadly yes. I find my own medical woes boring and try not to bang on about them (except to a very few people). And a big BIG YES to helping others being the key. And gratitude (so much gratitude) to the community I have found in the blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteSo true EC and also volunteer work, challenging as it can be gets us out of ourselves. I'm a firm believer in giving back as I know you are. No one should get a free ride in this life. And I am so fortunate that my parents led the way there.
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I have noticed this self-centeredness in older people too. I first noticed it with my parents--when I came to visit (an 8 hour drive to do so), they seemed to have little interest in me or my life. They talked about themselves, well Mom did, Dad usually disappeared somewhere after a few minutes. After Mom died unexpectedly after a surgery, Dad turned to his children to help. It was then I began to see that it was really survivalism, not selfishness. I have seen the same in others since; they will do whateverbm it takes to get what they need to survive. Dad complained little, but he assumed his needs were greater than ours and should have natural precedence. It is a position I hope I never take with my sons.
ReplyDeleteSomeone, I think in a blog reply, once said that she and her husband had what they called The Agony Hour. Each day, for one hour only, they talked about their ills. The rest of the day it was taboo. I loved that!
Agony Hour, GS, I love that. Wonderful to have a partner who agreed with the policy as many wouldn't.
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You are living up to your title of Wise Web Woman. I try not to be a woe is me person, to stay interested in the outside world and generally be positive. I think I mostly succeed....mostly.
ReplyDeleteI know you're interested in everything around you Andrew and it shines through. Anyone who can write about their daily doings with the insight that you have is a joy to read. You succeed.
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Isolation doesn't bother me, I've always been a loner and I know the kids don't visit because they all have jobs. I see "no-one" a few times when I take something to her at the hospital where she works, or if she has something for me to pick up there, it's a middle point between our homes.
ReplyDeleteIf I'm feeling down and sorry for myself it's usually because I wish I had a house instead of this tiny flat, so I turn on the TV or read a book to take my mind elsewhere.
I rarely talk to the neighbours, but when I do, there's no "organ recital" it's more "how are you? what have you been up to? going anywhere this weekend?" Mostly it's just a smile and a wave and a hello as we pass.
I love my solitude too River. Somehow I never think of you living in a tiny flat, your photo make your place look expansive! But the problem with most elders is they hate being alone and feel lonely all the time and go around hoping someone will fix that. I'm hoping that this will change with the new generation of elders. When the roles of women my age will have transformed to more independence. The perpetual widows are a thing of the past I hope.
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My grandmother’s creed was that “You should learn something new on the day that you die” and I intend to live by that. It should keep me lively and interested and interesting I hope. So far my life is filled with daily excitement and happiness - and no, I don’t share my ailments, real or imagine, with others.
ReplyDeleteYour grandmother was very wise indeed for her time. Learning is the key David. And reading is the biggest pleasure. I've often said I could be alone with books, a piano, music and maybe a dog, up in a mountain and i would amuse myself and never feel lonely. I never understand those who lack that ability. It's so sad.
ReplyDeleteAnd PS I only have to go to your blog to learn something.
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I'm lucky to have friends who are still interested in learning and doing, and seldom do we have an "organ recital." It's my daughter who likes to dump all her many woes on me with never a question about what I've been doing or how I am. It's exhausting.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately Sheila mine are all passed on just about and my distance from book club is a hill I don't climb anymore due to snow and driving. My daughter has health challenges but the opposite, I have to pry her health stuff out of her.
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I think that as people's worlds shrink and they spend more energy on getting through the basics elderly narcissism is pretty much guaranteed. You're right that it doesn't have to be that way but it takes an extraordinary person to put aside their fears and grievances while their world implodes.
ReplyDeleteMy mum can now spend 10 minutes describing a dressing change and descends into self pity and selfish pride on a regular basis.
Dad gets more thankful and gracious even as his mind departs. He's probably not capable of any kind of extended focus but I don't think he'd drone on even if he could
We all hit these years differently, I agree Kylie, and I think if we're naturally curious by nature and naturally kind and compassionate that tends to stick. And carries us through a little better.
DeleteI know her father drives my daughter around the twist with his constant poor mes and same old same old.
I am very conscious when around her to not bang on about recent labwork (when I really, really want to *smile*).
I focus on the book I'm reading or my workshops, etc
It's easy to screw our noses right into our own navels.
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As my life got filled with time in caregiving or my own suffering with unpredicted hardships not allowing me to a life like I wished, it was hard to find happiness to get past the pain in a day, put on a happy face or be excited about too much. If contacted, there wasn't much to say. I ran a few off, felt miserable about that. But moving, becoming alone one can get lost or in a state of suffering. Whenever I meet a new neighbor, even a store cashier and such, I can feel their pain or question in my mind what is in their way. I'll listen tentatively, offer a nod, a pat, it's the getting away that takes some finesse. It's the what I call, a "one upper," that shutters me. You offer conversation in what interested you and they come with nothing complimentary or interruption, instead it's how they did it better or knew more. A huge turnoff for me. It even became a hardship in how I would feel about myself so I lost effort in even pursuing others. It took work, but now I'm more accepting of my boundaries and allowing myself to just be me, the bad days and the good days.
ReplyDeleteThought later too. My husband turns 75 soon and healing an ulner nerve injury. He's been one handed for months, yesterday told it could take a year for full recovery. I've noticed through his recent boredom, unable to bike, work with tools, heck open a jar, etc he's becoming lazy, a constant YouTuber. It's sad to watch, and gets negative about the state of anything or anyone upsetting to him. He was never like this. Ive had to give him more attention and I find love in that. I help him to find gratitude in his day, look for ways to feel less stuck. Even a car ride brightens life. We all need some added brightness, not be forgotten. Getting to later year's is very difficult and unfamiliar territory. Got quite wordy, maybe others felt some of the same.
DeleteFinding the slivers of joy in the day CJ is what I call it. There's always something. The big stuff is meaningless. I sometimes point out the birdsong outside the windows and others look baffled as if I'm gone ga-ga side, and then carryon with the whinging anyway and I again say "listen" and they don't.
DeleteIt's hard caring for another when you need someone caring you. I sympathize, it's very lonely when one is in pain and there's no one to hold you up and give you a bikkie and a cold compress and a cup of tea.
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Organ recital paired with extreme impatience with doctors, guests ect. makes for hard visits with my parents.
ReplyDeleteWhen you throw in their stories about being slighted by their siblings - the same 5 stories in rotation - and asking me if so-and-so is a bad person - and complaining over things they really do not want to change, even if they can .... This all does not exactly make me want to travel 2 hours each direction to visit very often.
I have said to my kids that if I ever start behaving like this to please give me a grand telling off! I do not want to become such a nuisance to them.
I do wonder Charlotte if they are even aware of what they are doing. I speak from listening to residents her circle around and around old resentments, family issues, the no one cares and poor old me, over and over again, as if it's all fresh. As if there's nothing else, because there isn't. Nothing new, no fresh ideas or experiences.
DeleteIt's all very very sad.
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I think not - at least it would be quite irrational to continue a behaviour that puts people off ...
DeleteWhy do most people stop being curious as they age?
Another post that is right on because I have known such individuals who consider their ills and issues above caring about how others are doing. Sadly, I recently had to block contact with one who lives here because it was always doom and gloom that she wanted to share whenever she would see me and/or call.
ReplyDeleteLoneliness and being alone are not synonymous for me because while I have never had just one special close friend, I reach out to distant friends through cards, notes, calls and now online. As for myself, reading, learning about new things, some volunteer projects and blogging have all become important activities and leave little time to moan. Thankfully, I have managed to so far elude health issues that afflict many of my senior age and sadly even younger.