Many of long time readers will know that I went through grief-counselling some years back when my physical health began to suffer and my doctor of the time referred me to this amazing grief therapist. I had lost 8 close friends in the space of 18 months and the symptoms of my grief were not what you'd imagine as in crying all the time or depression. No, I was wound tighter than a drum with my blood pressure soaring through the roof and my tricky kidneys beginning to fail.
I was with the therapist for a 6 months of weekly sessions and he was incredibly understanding. He passed on much wisdom to me. One was when you suffer a severe heart breaking loss it opens up all the other losses in your life once again. Yes.
Well reader, I am there. All the chickens, so to speak, are home to roost now. My missing daughter's birthday was last week and that compounded everything, all the losses.
I tried to track down Peter, my grief therapist today but failed. I will try again. He was, I think, older than I. My siblings appear to be all cheerful and getting on with things so I find I can't/won't attend the weekly Sibling Zooms. I can't handle cheer. A friend dropped off a poinsettia and a fresh caught salmon yesterday and I could barely thank her but cried like a baby after she left. Kindness does me in.
I light a candle for the last photo taken of my brother every day and talk to him, hoping I'm not going right off the ledge.
I have delayed reaction to loss and I am hoping with Grandgirl staying with me by the end of the week I will climb out of this pit as it is affecting my overall health. I'm constantly nauseous and exhausted and not fit as we say out here.
The fact I am writing all of this down is a good sign, n'est pas?
Any shared stories of grief would be appreciated.
I feel massively alone.
I am left wondering why some people suffer such depths of grief that it affects mind and body to the point of ill health, while others grieve and get past it though always remembering.
ReplyDeleteMe too River, I'm astonished at friends who pick up the pieces, lickety split, and move on. I'm quite stuck even though writing it all down has helped me a lot.
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I can understand your grief having lost several friends, quite unexpectedly, in the past couple of years. Especially at Christmas, I am sadder to know we will never exchange greetings. Also, my mother died a few days before Christmas and that date is a very keep to myself day every year. I have some regrets about our relationship and wish time could go backwards. I never spoke with a counselor and perhaps should have as you did.
ReplyDeleteYes, as we are it's inevitable Beatrice. But I can't seem to get used to it. Being the eldest I never thought in a million years I would see these "babies" go before me. I witnessed their coming into the world. I never wanted to see their exits.
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Grief is a peculiar thing. I think I grieved the most for some of my dogs over the years. I could really feel their love and I loved them so. My parents were good decent kind people, but they were from that era when you didn’t show very much affection or express love often. Plus, I was a surprise pregnancy with much older brothers. One I hardly knew when he died and the other is still alive, but we live far apart. There were no aunts, uncles, cousins etc., so my childhood was a bit lonely. My husband was great in the early years of our marriage , but at retirement became more controlling, condescending and critical, so when he died, though I felt sad, I also felt resentment of how he (maybe both of us) had changed.
ReplyDeleteSo for me, grief has been more of what I never achieved in life and a marriage I desired so badly that never was how I pictured it to be. So loneliness has always been the real factor that always caused my grief. Now a childless widow for 11 years now and 78, I feel it all gathering steam. It’s subtle because I do have a few friends and a good life, but it is there waiting to jump in as the future arrives.
You seem much stronger than me as you’ve dealt with a lot. I admire that and hope this passes soon. Mary
Thank you Mary. I think a partner in life would make it easier but then again with a partner I wouldn't have had such a wonderful and supportive circle of friends of both sexes. So I look at all that also and wonder about the loss loves and rejected proposals. It's unknown. My father, oddly, who lived to 84, mourned the losses of his contemporaries deeply and all the funerals weighed on him as he was the only one left.
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I'm so sorry. I think talking to the picture of your brother is a healthy thing to do. I've seen TV programs where a person talks to deceased spouses or other loved ones, and I think it's one of the healthiest things they can do. I hope your Grandgirl can help.
ReplyDeleteI think she will Jean, she's quite an old soul which I love about her. I hear my brother's words now and again and they are a great comfort. He wore the world like a loose garment and took such pleasure in the tiny things and never wanted for much. A real role model.
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"He wore the world like a loose garment" - beautifully written. I'm sorry you're suffering so. I think some of us just have more melancholy settled into our being. I'm one of those and sorrow is often near the surface it seems. Your grandgirl will work her magic! Embrace it. Kim in PA
DeleteGrief is a tricky beast and always finds a way. I tend to bottle things up (not intentionally) until they refuse to stay bottled and come rushing out. And when they do it is my body rather than my emotions that collapses.
ReplyDeleteI think talking to your brother and writing it down here are both excellent steps.
Thanks EC for a fellow bottler. And I never know how affected I am. I was literally congratulating myself on not going through buckets of grief like before and then zoom none of the nasty physical symptoms were leaving me. So I'm kind of letting it all go now, writing, talking to him and crying inappropriately. It seems to be easing. The pressure cooker thing I mean.
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Yes, writing will help and feel free to express yourself to your grand daughter. Younger people often don't get it but it is good to speak to a loved one. Here I am suggesting to you ideas about dealing with grief while I don't think I am doing it very well myself. I can see that time will make things easier.
ReplyDeleteYes, time as you say Andrew, and I think you are handling it well too as your R comes into your thoughts and memories a lot. And you speak of the raw emotion you feel at such times. It always hits out of the blue.
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My grief is for a son who is still alive but decided to divorce himself from me and his siblings 10 years ago and I cry for the loss all the time.
ReplyDeleteAnd me for my lost daughter, Chris. She rarely leaves my thoughts. She also divorced all her family and friends.
DeleteI'm with you in spirit.
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You've had a lot of loss in your life so if it all opens up with the new losses, well, a gaping , crashing grief must be unavoidable.
ReplyDeleteThe skills you learnt in the past will surely stand you in good stead but of course the grief is still there.
I wish the best for you. Go easy on yourself xo
Thank you Kylie, a long series of losses and the gaps ever widening. And I'm coming to some measure of peace today and I hope it lingers for a while.
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I am sorry you have so much grief. We all cope with loss in many different ways. I think loss of a child, especially if there are unknown factors would be exceptionally difficult. Good that you know what help will benefit you and hope you'll be able to obtain it.
ReplyDeleteI cannot shake thoughts of a nephew who is left with whom I had such a close relationship throughout his and his sister's life until he wed, but even his sister has been ignored far more than might seem to make sense.
I am acutely aware of my loss of family members and friends with more again this year. Living family now is limited to only my children, grandchildren and a niece. I have become better at adjusting to loss of friend contemporaries and even some younger. I continue to find it hard to believe they have gone before me. There's hardly anyone my age left. All college friends, others from places I've worked and/or lived once scattered around the country are gone now. One high school friend is left who seems to have significantly diminished communication skills, limited writing ability, hearing deficits that prevent phone conversation, has inability to use a computer. None are left in this town where I live as of a month ago. Just a couple, 7 years younger, coping with various med issues who live an hour away.
There are much younger generation neighbors that are enjoyable but we have much less frequent contact and involvement as they are busy with their own lives. Making new friends of all ages has never been limited for me, but I have much more limited opportunities for such contacts. I don't fret and make the most of what encounters I have. It is interesting to see how life''s circumstances change, sometimes in ways one would never expect. I'm reminded of what an older friend once wrote me not too long before she died -- "there are no friends like old friends."
Seems strange to me at times, but I sometimes find myself thinking of things I wish I could talk with my mother about, or others no longer living.
I hear you Joared. I often run to my email saying she's got to hear about this! And next thing, a gaping loss opens as she's been gone, in one case 10 years. Or a friend who loved puns and I would save them up for him. Or writing buddies whom I got very close to. It does not get easier. We miss the shared history or vacations or life events shared and relived for the 100th time.
DeleteIt all gets us questioning the deeper existential meaning of life.
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I don't think grief ever leaves us totally. It's been five years now since I lost my lovely wife and the tears still flow from time to time. I was chatting with someone online recently who had lost both parents in a car accident and the priest and the local priest told them it was God's will. Oh, they make me so sick these pious egos who worship a god that delights in breaking up families and causing grief everywhere. Your therapist sounds a good man. I hope you find him again. The longer we live, the longer the list of loved ones that go before us. Look after yourself.
ReplyDeleteGod's will indeed. I usually throw the kids with cancer, then, explain that one. Or the Holocaust. Or the Great Hunger in Ireland. "God's Plan." What a monster then.
DeleteIt's all so effing random. And yes, the lists get longer as we cruise along counting the empty spaces.
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I have had a couple of attempts at commenting here and have scrapped them. I am having difficulty saying what I intend without seeming to be insensitive. I assure you that is not my intent. I have never felt crushing grief over the death of a person. Whether that reflects some defect in my personality or not, I don’t know, but it is nevertheless a fact. I can only imagine it must be terrible emotion to deal with. The greatest grief I experience is brought on by the slow strangulation of the planet and the feeling of helplessness in not being unable to do anything about it. We are leaving an awful legacy for those who will come after us, and that it seems to me is immeasurably sad. We have taken beauty, synergy, near perfection and abused and degraded it, willingly, knowingly and sometimes maliciously. Stay well and heal as quickly as you can. With my very best wishes - David
ReplyDeleteI never judge anyone for not sharing the same feelings David. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and my grandmother viewed this as a huge defect of character. Stoicism and fortitude. I invested a huge amount of time and care into friendships in the absence of a life-long partnership with another as that would have taken a priority. Space was left in my life once the kidlets were grown.
DeleteI very much agree with you on the state of this planet and yes it will worsen beyond anything we can imagine. Infinite plundering of a finite planet is completely unsustainable for man, beast, flora and fauna.
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Writing, lighting candles and speakin to - and about - the deceased persons are in my book all good ways to handle grief. Even scolding the dearest for leaving us, telling them of our losses, desperation and hurts. I'm sad to be so far away, else I'd bring you a Christmas basket of cookies, candles and a hug.
ReplyDeleteOh Charlotte that is so sweet and yes I get angry with T for leaving us all when he had so much to live for. Thank you!
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I have been crushed with grief twice in my life, both senseless deaths of young men; my brother and a young man who boarded with me. Each day I maintained until my children were in bed and then I spent hours walking a circle through my downstairs. A young man at work told me they would be the last thing on my mind at night and first thing in the morning. When enough time had passed, I would remember the next day I had not thought of them at night.
ReplyDeleteWe lost every member of the older generation in an 18 month period. Our mother, aunts, uncles. It was sad, but not senseless. Now it's cousins my age who are leaving. Sad but not crushing. My sister, my children, grandchildren...I couldn't bear it.
I hope your day of not going to sleep with a burdened mind ends soon.
Thank you Joanne, it seems the load is too much to bear at times. Not just my brother but all the other losses. My mum died very young and she comes mind now a lot. I have no belief in an aferlife but often think of stardust. We come from it and go to it and maybe we all blend into a new constellation. Who knows? The night sky is very comforting.
DeleteThe price of old age is the countless losses. My heart is with you.
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Dear WWW, my thoughts are with you. I don't know how we can navigate this life on earth without loss in whatever form it presents itself. I know it's not a competition. Whose loss is the worst? Yours. The one you're dealing with now. And it's true that grief can pile up & start to stink, like garbage, if we don't put it out. I grew up in a family who prided themselves on keeping emotion at bay with the resulting psychosomatic chronic illnesses. My mother's words often ring in my ears when I'm distraught with emotion - "You don't need to act crazy?" I do not believe it's being crazy; it's just being emotional & I will honor those emotions in myself. In my 7th decade, I am free of chronic illness. This year has been one of loss of people close to heart & home, 15 in total. Then there are the other losses that go with life moving on & the changes that come with it. Someone reminded me recently that our purpose is to keep on keeping on. And so I will move on as I acknowledge the loss & changes. Be well.
ReplyDeleteYes, I am a graduate of the lace curtain Irish philosophy too. Never let your emotions show and if you do shame on you for letting us all down. The bottling it all up led to ulcers in my mother and early onset dementia in my grandmother and unmitigated rage in my father. Massively unhealthy in my view but normal for the times. If prayer didn't take the feelings away then pray harder. But keep it all very private. Feeling the feelings is something I had to be literally taught to do I was a walking rage machine.
DeleteBeing emotional is a feeling all of us should try and I find men have the most difficulty with it as it's labelled "unmanly."
Embrace the changes maybe might be a good quality.
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Pains me the darkness awakens. I had a meltdown yesterday, read take a cold shower! I started it hot but forced the cold on me a bit. A friend told me we are out of the Mercury Retrograde and in it's shadow till January. Wish just a button on the wall to turn it all off. You've had so much surrounding you that takes time to heal from and I'd think helpful to talk it outloud to your beloved brother, write it out here, any damn thing that might lend light in the tunnel. A young visitor sounds devine to me, it will bring brightness. Sending my love your way, a thank you I can come here and feel less alone when sadness seems uncontrollable. Hugs Wish I could include a beautiful photo here. Ox
ReplyDeleteThanks for your understanding words CJ, a little less darkness in this fog is a gift from the light of others. We are so trained NOT to speak of sadness and confusion and hurt and pain. I had a vistor this morning baffled and confused by his fellows shunning him. I didn't want to see him, as I had just climbed out of the shower. But I thought if not now when. And it only took about twenty minutes of some shared pain. And some reminders of each others' gifts and both of us felt better in the healing of another's insights and care. I need more of these small uplifting moments and thank you for yours.
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Grief can be worse than the worst anticipation of it. I've felt it I guess, but I know that our versions would be different. I hope that you find the strength to look past the heavy things.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, one blow of grief opens pandora's boxes of old unsettled things. I've felt this too.
On days when it gets much heavier, I just let it sit with me. All of it, all the pain and things that didn't let me feel ok. Tears flow by and all that I can't change stays. Maybe I accept it in that moment that I can't change things anymore. Maybe sometimes, I let myself say that it's ok. Maybe along the way, my mind lets those things go. I don't know. I can relate that grief is heavy.
And, works of Dr Brian Weiss (and some hindu mythology beliefs) .. including my own past life memories, remind me of the limitedness of our understanding of this existence, and the beyond where this one life of ours becomes a part of the 'many lives' that we've lived and are living.
DeleteOften it helps see that even the ones who've left, are now on their next course to learn the next lessons. If you'd like to explore, 'Many lives and many masters' by Dr Weiss opens a different door to understanding of the world, if you believe.
Thanks for the comment, PA, I find the younger people in my life haven't a clue as to how grief operates and like you say, all us oldies are different in our experiences of it. I am truly careful who I share with as others tend to blank out or minimize the experience I'm undergoing. Which ironically makes it all worse so I bottle it all down. As to beliefs, I have formed my own at this stage, explored many concepts over the years when I left the cult of religion forever.
ReplyDeleteThe great unknowable as many have it. We're all just specks in the vast universes which are beyond our limited comprehensions.
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I am sorry you must weather this anniversary and yes, I'm familiar with those floodgates too. I hope you can find the help and support you seek. I had a wonderful therapist who told me the same thing yours did about old losses. I also found help from an online group led by a woman called Megan Devine who did a class called writing your loss which was quite powerful for me. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteThank you e for your encouraging words and knowing you have had a similar journey with a good therapist. It does help so much. Writing is enormously helpful too. I was also told that loving people so deeply as to grieve them deeply is a gift. So very many never allow themselves to feel depth towards others (excluding significant others). I find the love of animals is a real indicator of those who are open. This has never let me down.
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Mary, my dear. Herewith the laziest of all Seans is wishing you in times of war and boundless stupidity, a few peaceful days at the end of the year. And may the best of 2024 turn out to be the worst in 2025.
ReplyDeleteThe peace of the night.
Ah Sean, your kind thoughts are balm for my battered soul.
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