Many of long time readers will know that I went through grief-counselling some years back when my physical health began to suffer and my doctor of the time referred me to this amazing grief therapist. I had lost 8 close friends in the space of 18 months and the symptoms of my grief were not what you'd imagine as in crying all the time or depression. No, I was wound tighter than a drum with my blood pressure soaring through the roof and my tricky kidneys beginning to fail.
I was with the therapist for a 6 months of weekly sessions and he was incredibly understanding. He passed on much wisdom to me. One was when you suffer a severe heart breaking loss it opens up all the other losses in your life once again. Yes.
Well reader, I am there. All the chickens, so to speak, are home to roost now. My missing daughter's birthday was last week and that compounded everything, all the losses.
I tried to track down Peter, my grief therapist today but failed. I will try again. He was, I think, older than I. My siblings appear to be all cheerful and getting on with things so I find I can't/won't attend the weekly Sibling Zooms. I can't handle cheer. A friend dropped off a poinsettia and a fresh caught salmon yesterday and I could barely thank her but cried like a baby after she left. Kindness does me in.
I light a candle for the last photo taken of my brother every day and talk to him, hoping I'm not going right off the ledge.
I have delayed reaction to loss and I am hoping with Grandgirl staying with me by the end of the week I will climb out of this pit as it is affecting my overall health. I'm constantly nauseous and exhausted and not fit as we say out here.
The fact I am writing all of this down is a good sign, n'est pas?
Any shared stories of grief would be appreciated.
I feel massively alone.
I am left wondering why some people suffer such depths of grief that it affects mind and body to the point of ill health, while others grieve and get past it though always remembering.
ReplyDeleteI can understand your grief having lost several friends, quite unexpectedly, in the past couple of years. Especially at Christmas, I am sadder to know we will never exchange greetings. Also, my mother died a few days before Christmas and that date is a very keep to myself day every year. I have some regrets about our relationship and wish time could go backwards. I never spoke with a counselor and perhaps should have as you did.
ReplyDeleteGrief is a peculiar thing. I think I grieved the most for some of my dogs over the years. I could really feel their love and I loved them so. My parents were good decent kind people, but they were from that era when you didn’t show very much affection or express love often. Plus, I was a surprise pregnancy with much older brothers. One I hardly knew when he died and the other is still alive, but we live far apart. There were no aunts, uncles, cousins etc., so my childhood was a bit lonely. My husband was great in the early years of our marriage , but at retirement became more controlling, condescending and critical, so when he died, though I felt sad, I also felt resentment of how he (maybe both of us) had changed.
ReplyDeleteSo for me, grief has been more of what I never achieved in life and a marriage I desired so badly that never was how I pictured it to be. So loneliness has always been the real factor that always caused my grief. Now a childless widow for 11 years now and 78, I feel it all gathering steam. It’s subtle because I do have a few friends and a good life, but it is there waiting to jump in as the future arrives.
You seem much stronger than me as you’ve dealt with a lot. I admire that and hope this passes soon. Mary
I'm so sorry. I think talking to the picture of your brother is a healthy thing to do. I've seen TV programs where a person talks to deceased spouses or other loved ones, and I think it's one of the healthiest things they can do. I hope your Grandgirl can help.
ReplyDelete