The Shambling Underclass.

I did some banking for another entity today. Not at my bank but at another. One of those dismal places. You know. I was struck by how much it resembled a shipping container. Everything looked slapped together, as if every item in it could be moved in 30 minutes flat and not a trace left of what had gone before (good luck future archaeologists!). I has hustled by an employee as I stepped in, caught in mid-groan at the long line up. She had Tim Horton's coffee and donuts at the entrance with a huge sign that proclaimed "OUR CUSTOMERS ARE IMPORTANT!" or some such oxymoronic drivel and she offered me one.

As I viewed the snaking queue of grumpiness around me I bit my lip. Tight. I so wanted to say : "If we're that important would you stop serving coffee and open another teller window for feck's sake?" Well, "teller window" is a huge exaggeration, everything being mobile and plastic, including the tellers who were all dressed up in sparkly dresses and sweaters. Frivolous I thought, being grumpy. Sparkling bankers. And these were the men.(Kidding!)

So I get my coffee served up to me. Now I'm overloaded: I've got my purse, a grocery bag, my book in its own wee bag, my deposit bag and a coffee with a napkin and stir-stick to manoeuver. It shuts me up. I'm busy.

See? I never do physical banks. I'm all on line now so I don't have to fret and muse inside such 20th century aberrations. But some organizations. Don't. Want. To. Change. And at my age I choose my battles very carefully. So I do the shipping container shamble.

As a geezer, I remember banks as being solid. Pillared. Marble. Hushed. Vaulted ceilings. Polished brass. Obsequious dark-suited tellers. Manager cruising around. Keeping an eye. This place? I've seen better Walmarts.

I don't remember waiting back then. Certainly not in a queue of 20 on a snaking carpet with arrows. As if we're all halfwits and could turn in the wrong direction towards the doors if not guided by our betters.

So a half hour of my life goes by that I'll never get back. In a shipping container. Delicately balancing a Tim Horton's coffee. Watching myself on a video above me. As all of us queuers are.

Oh, did I say half-wits?

Scavengers

In my day job I reconcile a lot of bank statements, both personal and business, from my diverse customer base.

The bank charges exacted by the banks never cease to astonish and disgust me.

“Service charges”

“Overdraft Fees”

“Electronic Services fee”

“Item Deposit Fee”

“Administration Fee”

“Loan Acceptance Fee”

“Shared ABM Fee”

“Monthly Service Fee”

“Cheque Viewing Fee”

"Tax payment Fee"

“Hard Copy service Fee”.

“NSF Fee” - going both ways at $42.50 per for a $25.00 cheque bouncing because my client's client bounced their cheque. This must be the award winning scavenger hunt prize of the year for the banks due to the domino effect on multiple business accounts of one client bouncing their cheque (it has happened to me).

And on it goes.

There is no professionalism or dignity in a bank charging an o/d fee of $10.00 for a client short-falling by $2.00 one day only to deposit a $10,000 cheque the following day. With no interest given by the bank for the month they sit on it.

Some of my clients pay $80-$120 a month in fees, that's over $1,000 annually, money they can ill afford. Particularly when the bank makes sockloads of interest on their often significant deposits.

And another thing: who gets the interest on all those transfers that are held, sometimes for 2-3 days, sometimes longer, when one is merely transferring from one bank account to another within the same branch or bank​?

No wonder their profits are through the roof and their bonuses obscene. All at the expense of us peons.

I closed my business account last month. I could no longer afford to maintain it with my reduced client base.

The Insanity of Banking

I went to the bank today. Like as in physically walked in the door and desecrated the hallowed hall for I had a larger than normal deposit and had a payroll to distribute. In cash. As is the way here. The cash withdrawal would have been over my daily ATM limit, set by me back in the day as a deterrant to anyone stealing my card and PIN.

Everything was awfully pleasant until the teller held up the largest cheque I was depositing and told me she would have to put a hold on the funds until the cheque cleared.

Me: Wot?

T(eller): We have regulations, we have to hold the funds on this until February 14th.

Me(gasping): You are going to hold my money without interest for 10 days?

T: Well no, not 10 days. Look here's a calendar, we don't count the two weekends in there.

Me: No offence, but I do. That's 10 days of holding my money. This has never, ever happened to me before. I've banked with this bank for over thirty years, you've never held my deposits and there have been ones far larger than this!

T (apologetic shrug): Those are the rules. But you could go to the other bank and get it certified, they would probably charge you $25 and then we could deposit it right away.

Me (sigh): No, driving off and finding another bank, waiting in line, giving them $25 to certify, coming back here, waiting in line again, I don't have that many years left in me. Go ahead and deposit it then.

Teller deposits, shows me how printed on the slip is the message that funds won't be released until February 14th.

Me (lightbulbs firing off in my head): Hang on a minute. I always deposit at the machine and my funds are cleared immediately. How come?

T: Give me your ATM card again.

click, click whir, click.

T: Oh, you have unlimited access to any funds you deposit using the machine outside.

Me: What do I do now? Can you reverse the deposit then and I run outside and deposit this in the machine?

T (astonished): Yes, that would work for immediate access to the funds. Are you sure?

Me(laughing):Why, do I look brain dead?

T(laughing too): OK, I'll reverse the deposit and give you back the larger cheque.

Me: This is why I never darken your doors I guess.

T (snorting, laughing): We don't recommend it, but don't tell anyone.