I had very strange dream last night where the theme was displacement. A series of problems cropped up and the answers were given to me by the many, past and present in my life, standing around me. We were on a cliff looking down at the strand below as the waves gently rolled in and out.
One of the many problems I had was having a baby and not knowing what to do with her and asking those around me for help. The answer came back: displacement
Another was the feeling of homelessness, I knew there was no home and never would be. Displacement.
Some of those surrounding me had long passed. And I knew this and it was OK.
As they all uttered this one word at me every time I shared my feelings or posed a question, I remember tuning them out and looking down at the strand, this long stretch of unlimited pristine sand, and thinking: I need to get down there. I need to make my own footprints, I need to place myself. Ill find my own answers to these complex questions.
I found it a powerful dream. My missing daughter's birthday is tomorrow. December is a fraught month for me. I despise all this Christmas cheer and massive consumerism. Somewhere along the way the message of quiet, peace and reflection was lost. Solstice helps. The coming of the Light and gratitude, the welcoming of another season of renewal.
I have a sense of unease, not unlike the theme of Displacement. Home is an internal feeling I seem to have lost.
My dream needs no intense analysis.
Displacement is a theme running loud and clear through my entire family of origin.
Do any of you out there have a strong, anchored feeling of "place"?
If it will help everyone, I hope she gets in touch with you. If she sees this she will know you would welcome her back, wouldn't you?
ReplyDeleteWith open arms and no questions asked.
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May she hear you and feel the love.
DeleteI have a strong sense of place when I'm in Australia. If I'd discovered Australia when I was young, I would probably have moved there. I feel very at home in Belfast, but I wouldn't say it's "my place" - some essential ingredient is lacking.
ReplyDeleteI felt very much at home here when I moved. Geographically I still do but emotionally I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know where I'd feel at home emotionally. Maybe it's the family disinterest.
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Since I have lived in this area since birth, for over 65 years now, I feel very much a strong sense of place. I wanted so badly to live in San Francisco and we did that for 15 months. It felt like home. Except for the wild real estate prices. Fresno is so inexpensive. So, here I am, back where I've been all these years. At home.
ReplyDeleteGood for you DKZ, home is where your heart is.
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i am really sorry for your missing child my friend!!!
ReplyDeletei can imagine the pain and misery of a mother .
i wish and pray may you see her soon and hug tight in your arms!
i live in my husband's city since 25 years but can't feel place as i am from northern part of country ,a lashing valley surrounded by hills i miss my homeland
At times, like today, it is unspeakable.
DeleteI do hope you find your "place".
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I can relate. I have been displaced enough.
ReplyDeleteStrange that you have raised the question of 'place' today. It was only yesterday that a friend asked me what my family intended to do to celebrate my 75th coming up soon. Since those interested are all in the South of India and I am up in the West, I said that I am dissuading them from doing anything unless they are all willing to come up to Pune where I live. I added that my travelling days are over and I am now reluctant to leave my place!
I too am finished with long travelling trips unless I can avoid airports and hassle. It is fraught with anxiety and misery for me. Even in full health others find it unbearable, what the hell happened?
DeleteI do hope you enjoy your 75th Ramana. Knowing you no matter what happens you will.
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"I despise all this Christmas cheer and massive consumerism. Somewhere along the way the message of quiet, peace and reflection was lost. Solstice helps. The coming of the Light and gratitude, the welcoming of another season of renewal."
ReplyDeleteI agree with you 100%. It's torture--all I want is peace and solitude.
I'd say we're not alone Nacky. So many are just afraid to say it.
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I totally agree. The simple essence of Christmas has been swamped by all the consumerism and "doing Christmas better than the neighbours".
DeleteYou asked, "Do any of you out there have a strong, anchored feeling of "place"? " I don't, WWW. I'm an itchy-footed, non-rooted type at heart - maybe akin to the pesky bindweed in our strip of front garden - it travels and binds then travels on again. I'm at the end of my garden now though!
ReplyDeleteRe Missing daughter, WWW - She will come, I'm convinced she will. Husband had one go similarly missing, decades ago, and she returned - now she has similar problems with her own daughter.
I do remember you mentioning that. I do this annual post on her on FB and here in the hopes that someone will see and bring her back to the fold I can't imagine living so rootfree, cutting off everyone and everything.
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understand your words on Christmas, the first year nothing done here, family will arrive and set the table. I will make final plans on Tuesday if I sign. Going too no commitment but with cold cold winter will be nice to be near family and a lot of responsibility in this new wonderful place. Who knows
ReplyDeleteI might just stay :)
Keep me posted on your status, Ernestine. I can tell you this was the right time and place and circumstances for this massive downsizing move of mine. Absolutely no regrets. Onward my good friend!
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I meant - a lot less responsibility :)
ReplyDeletecan not even typle today. First day peace has returned :)
I knew what you meant!
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I do feel an attachment to where I live now. I spent a bunch of time away in other parts of Canada this summer and enjoyed every minute of it. Several times I thought, Oh I wish I could live here! But when I got home I was really, REALLY, glad to be HOME. It's not perfect but it suits me. I am so sorry about your missing daughter, I hope there is a reunion in your future.
ReplyDeleteThanks Annie. Geographically this is my home, I was more into the emotional home and my missing daughter triggered that (thinking, optimistically, that everything would be more "home" if she was around). My feeling about Newfoundland was and remains visceral. It's really hard to find the words to adequately describe this. A tribal feeling.
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For me, home is not a place, but where my family is. May your daughter eventually find her way home.
ReplyDeleteMe too Tom, this missing part of my life prevents me feeling the completeness of that :(
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Hello - I have come to you via another Blog. Love your writing. Brilliant stuff. very personal and not at all " manufactured" so that makes it a pleasure to read. My spiritual home is South Africa. It was long before I went there. I just was told by a wise lady that I would connect with Africa. And how I have..... when I visit I just feel I am returning home although have no links with the place ( well I have now, but not family ones). So that is my spiritual home. Especially the veldt and the open spaces.
ReplyDeleteRe your daughter. I am sorry, I have only come across this post but will search more on this. I am sure it must be the most difficult enduring you have had to bear so I will read more and thank you again. Your " goodness" shines through. Never give p hope and maybe visualise your daughter
Welcome Jackie and thank you so much for your kind words. A couple of other friends had the same feeling about Africa. One moved there. The other visits every chance she gets.
DeleteMy spiritual home is definitely here. Emotionally? not so much with missing daughter always a part of my incompleteness. I find it challenging to find the words to describe this void.
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Moved here over 40 years ago. It never felt like home. At that time too conservative. I have adapted to the environment now and have many friends and appreciate much of the good. I think I am living out my family's story - a mother and father who left the land of their birth (Scotland and Ireland) and came looking for a better life in America. it did not happen for them. They worked on big estates here and never had a home of their own. I have that and much more but have often felt homeless myself. And I agree so much with your comments on December. The gloomy weather has set in and doesn't help.
ReplyDeleteI've made the best of things with the self-banishment from Ireland 50 years ago. And cast off my years of attachment to a country that despised me. It did take years of returning before common sense set in.
DeleteMary, it sounds like you have a great book in you. One I'd love to read.
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I've never felt much sense of place but soldiered on and made the best of it. My friends and pets were/are family, a dwindling number these days. December is a hard month for a lot of us. Best to you.
ReplyDeleteFor many years after we moved across our continent when I was a preteen from where I was born. I felt a sense of longing to return there. It wasn’t really as simple as a geographic place I’ve come to realize after returning to that state eight years later. Subsequent moves within the state for another twelve years. Eventually, after another multi-state move I’ve ended up here on the U.S. West Coast in Southern California for almost forty-five years. I feel,this is where I belong, but the people I had naively assumed would be nearby are not as family and most friends have moved elsewhere and so many have died. Perhaps this seems like my place primarily just because it’s familiar. If I were to move now I doubt I would ever know a new area as well as I do this one since my activity would be more restricted. Valuing people more than geographic place, as I've realized I do, perhaps I would come to value that place, too, wherever it was.
ReplyDeleteI do wish for you that your daughter could re-enter your life in some manner.
I’ve long been repelled by the commercialism of all holidays, not just this one. There has also long seemed to be a lack of appreciation, or even acknowledgement, for the variety of celebratory reasons present in our nation — not just the monopoly of one.
I don’t presume to know the “Cathedral” owner’s motivations for why he rendered first aid to the damaged roof area of your house, but am glad he did — less for you to have to think about. Interesting he leaves the impression he was unaware the structure he’s having built would have any effect on your property — hard to believe.