We can be unaware of our privilege at times. I am lonely very rarely. Many are lonely all the time. A huge hole inside them with the cold wind blowing through and hope a word they read about but have long abandoned as being applicable to their own lives.
I was quite devastated after this visit from someone who broke down in her despair as her last friend ("in the whole world") was moved to palliative care that day.
Her Grief
She wept on me today
With her broken heart
Leaking from her eyes.
Her grief led a procession
Of other losses, other hurts,
Other days, other cruelties
Pouring like a river
Over the bumps and
Potholes of her life
I do not know her
Well enough to
Hold her tightly
But I listened to
Her lament of loneliness
With my heart and hands
And stuffed my own avalanche
Of sorrow deep down
In my own graveyard.
I am posting this not as a "downer" but as a reminder for all of us to recognize our own privilege in the face of such appalling grief.
Definitely not in the same neighborhood as your friend's sorrow and your sense of privilege, I too had a moment on Wednesday of realizing my privilege.
ReplyDeleteI was reading the book Ruby Bridges to the first graders at Columbia. I had never heard of this woman until six years ago when I began reading to first graders. Ruby Bridges is basically my age but had a completely different childhood than mine. While she was growing up in segregated Louisiana, I was going to integrated school in California, totally unaware of what others in this country were going through.
I have lived a very privileged life, and still do. I think on that every week as I drive from the north side of town to the south side, seeing civilization change right before my eyes in each block I travel.
So many of us live a privileged life, not considering those around us who do not. We need to be more observant and more compassionate.
Yes we do DKZ, she was such a reminder of this. I have rarely heard such terrible devastation in my life. Her apologies to me were endless also, she had never done such a thing before. I feel so very fortunate even with my own challenges at times.
DeleteMexico City did that for me, those terrible tin-ridden neighbourhoods. India did it for my daughter, Peru for my daughter. Poverty comes in many shapes, not least of which is human spirit.
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Some sorrows are too deep for words, but poetry transendents words. You made something beautiful as a memorial to her grief.
ReplyDeleteI think I would have cried for days otherwise, poetry helps me process such heartbreak. Thanks Charlotte.
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Loneliness can lead to death.
ReplyDeleteI am quite worried about her.
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Someone (Rumi?) said that poetry is the language of the heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this painful, beautiful welling from yours.
Loneliness is a vicious beast.
And thank you for hearing her pain and offering what comfort you could.
Often we need just a listener, EC. I remember sitting on a hospital bed with a friend rescued from suicide many, many years ago. And we stared at the wall together for at least 30 minutes. And then I hugged her goodbye. And much later, long recovered, she told me during that half hour she knew someone had understood everything without words.
DeleteWords can be so unhelpful, silence a balm.
Thanks for your kind words. I am still quite shaken.
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Much of my voluntary work is 'just' listening. I have decided that if they can live it, I can listen. And it still sometimes hurts like hell.
DeleteIt does, it takes a huge toll, I still feel her pain and I said very little. Apart from suggesting support groups and grief therapy.
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I really needed someone to listen like this . Nice one and thank you
ReplyDeleteI believe it is the greatest gift we can give someone, the gift of listening.
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Having been with my partner for 41 years, I can't really imagine loneliness and how I will cope if I am alone one day. While our circle of friends has reduced greatly in recent years, my family is large and I probably won't ever know real loneliness. It must be awful to have no one in the world to turn to, but the person you mention, while perhaps not a friend, did have you to turn to.
ReplyDeleteShe kept saying I would no longer have anything to do with her having seen her fall apart. Over and over again. Dear goddess, can you imagine even thinking that? It showed the level of her despair.
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I once went without kith or kin. That time I was resilient enough to shout The Hell with you; I'll make new friends. I've made a tiny number of new friends. It is hard; time is no longer on our side. I did not make new kin, or restore old. I weep for "her". What will she do?
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words for "her".
I am bracing myself to call her today as I must. Even though I dread it and ponder on my selfishness in not reaching out more. We have so little in common. She mentioned in passing her phone was "not working" but I think it is financial in nature. I often wonder how my life would be if Daughter and Niece moved off the island. I am not close to too many people. As is the way when we are old. I shed a tear for those gone every day. Not mawkishly but in respect and sadness and loss.
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Her last friend in the whole world? That is so sad. Can you invite her to come again and perhaps be her next friend? It would be different if she wasn't lonely, but clearly she is and needs someone with a kind word and a cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteWe have very little in common River, so it is very difficult to find common ground other than grief which can be a shifting sand of a foundation for any kind of depth. I am truly baffled as to how to proceed but will reach out today.
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I'm reminded of my first conscious experience of feeling lonely when we moved from the world and friends I knew as a pre-teen to a somewhat isolated rural life with no contemporaries around that summer with no opportunity to meet others; no phone. Finally bemoaning my plight on one more lonely day to my mother, she calmly but caringly counseled me that I was responsible for how I felt and must find a way to counter that feeling. I did and learning to develop that ability has paid dividends many times throughout my life -- increasingly so as I age with few family left, losing my last life-long friend a couple years ago and with very few others left from what was once a life over-flowing with friends. As a long ago, older, now deceased friend once said to me that I've found to be so true: "There are no friends like old friends."
ReplyDeleteI do sympathize with the pain the person you describe felt as I still recall the gut-wrenching loneliness feeling I had, quite certain there would never be any respite. In some ways it never was the same as before. You were incredibly kind listening but she must find her own way, so take care with regard to trying to rescue her if you are so inclined. I was especially moved by your poem and the final lines which resonate with me:
"And stuffed my own avalanche
Of sorrow deep down
In my own graveyard."
Thank you Joared, very wise words indeed, what a lovely shaman your mother was to guide you. I, too, lost my darling life long friend in 2014. I am still devastated as we emailed each other daily often 2 or 3 times. Our lives were open books to each other, the good the bad and the ugly. You know how that is. nearly 70 years of friendship. My soul sister.
DeleteYes, she must find her own way, I had to through therapy as my kindred spirits were falling like flies around me, the true price of aging.
Thank you Joared.
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Thnx for being a good listener to this person. That has been my motto for the new year to strive to be a better listener. Someone once said, "to take the cotton out of your mouth and put it in your ears" something I try and practice more and more each day. I went from a Chatty Cathy to a more quiet person. I am so glad. But then I have to watch that I don't get drained of energy for myself so I have ways to re-energize. I re-energize by journaling which is my way of meditating. I sometimes feel that the pen has alife of its own when it touches the paper.
ReplyDeleteI am so with you on that Judi, the pen alleviates the pain and brings understanding. I know I have the kind of face/temperament that people turn to but I have to watch myself as my own energy can be depleted by others' pain. I hear too much at times and I can be triggered badly.
DeleteA poem usually sorts me out and certainly sharing here can bring great solace through the words of others.
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Absolutely beautiful poem, and thank you. So many comments here refer to losing long-time friends. I lost two unexpectedly within one month of each other. Several years before, the most difficult was losing my cousin (we were 1 yr. apart) who was my best friend to suicide. The pain was the worst I've ever experienced. I was fortunate in that I was working for a Freudian writer who had written a book on suicides and that helped me. Lucky for me to have been in the right place at the right time. This person is in the right place at the right time being able to pour her heart out to you. It's wrenching, but your exquisite poem is a result. I'm so moved and teary-eyed I hope my comment is coming across as it is meant.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your deep and personal thoughts on this Regina. How awful that your friend thought the only way out was to suicide. Twp young women I was close to in the last 6 years did the same. Both mothers of young children, both terribly abused as children themselves. There truly are no words to alleviate their pain and despair. I have been close to suicide myself, way, way back so have a total understanding of the state of mind that occurs.
DeleteDespair is absolutely frightening and there's absolutely no candle in the darkness.
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Your friend had you. That did not however stop her lamenting the going away of her BFF. Your poem is simply wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ramana, she really isn't a friend which makes it all the sadder. She has no friends at all. I am glad should could use me in this way and I will stay in touch with her.
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O how this entry moved me, all of it, and your readers' comments and your responses ... so many wise words ... xoxox kate
ReplyDeleteThank you Kate, I was profoundly affected as were my dear readers.
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You are you and she is she.
ReplyDeleteThank goodness for her that you are you.
Gemma, what beautiful words, thank you, they brought me such joy :)
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What a wonderful poem. It must be devastating when all your close friends have gone and you're left with emptiness and sadness and fading memories.
ReplyDeleteShe's 81 Nick, and very healthy but complete family dysfunction behind her. Too appalling to go into here. I am reminded that so very many are alone in this world. Far too many.
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Beautiful poem. I am reminded of that daily in my work. There is so much sorrow in this world and by comparison, I am exceedingly lucky.
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