Tuesday, August 04, 2020

A Huge Worry

Sometimes, I come right up against myself and realize some hard facts.

My best friends, there were only a few, are gone from my life. The ones I could share anything with without judgement or fear, the whole guts of me. And were supportive and loving and unconditionally there in times fraught with danger and minefields and, well, terror.

A massive worry has stalked into my life in the past few days. Involving a person near and dear to me. And in morning meditation today, as this leaped in and out of my head and tended to consume me, this fact of having no one close to share this with on a one to one basis stood starkly in front of me.

My birth family doesn't deal with any kind of serious issues. Everything is a joke. They never even ask about Missing Daughter or my broken heart. They never ask about Daughter's MS which has had a huge impact on her musical talent and crafting and over all ambitions. Health issues are swept under the nearest rug. If there are any family crises, you wouldn't know. I ask about theirs but usually a stinging silence is the answer. And shunning for no reason are an MO. Dysfunction Junction rooted in abuse. Understandable when one goes through the therapy to dig it out but most have not. They are the last people on earth I would run to for comfort in a storm. As trust and unconditional love are absent. Jokes would ensue and honestly? I couldn't bear them.

My good friend R, who is a harbour in any kind of emotional turmoil has had a recurrence of liver cancer and had another operation these past few days and is still in the hospital. Doing remarkably well considering he's down to a small piece of an operating organ now.

My BFF Helen who died in 2014 would have been a solid wall with great advice and most of all love and concern.

My friend D, who died in 2016 would have gently guided me in the right direction.

Lana would have been wonderful, but she's in the throes of dementia, as is another good friend, P, who worries me.

I have many acquaintances here but even reviewing a list in my head which one I could trust and lean on comes up with zero.

Niece comes to mind but I truly don't want to burden her. She has a hugely heavy plate with young children.

I can't be more specific, I'm sorry. I wrote a journal entry just now and am so full of fear I am throwing it out here too in the hopes of alleviating some of it.

And you know? Just writing it all down, one firm harbour light comes to mind just now.

She's at a distance, but I will call her today.

29 comments:

  1. I feel the same way. I have been sorting photos and mementos to give to a niece (my sister's daughter) who doesn't want anything to do with me, long story. I have a cousin (the only one I am close to) that I can talk to about some things. I still have my one and only best friend that I can (but don't) confide in. I am terrible at sharing my fears and demons.

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    1. It involves so much trust Jackie and also deep understanding and compassion. I weep for my friend Helen today who'd known me since I was 6. There are so few I can trust with this as it's such a small province out here and everyone is connected, much like small town Ireland. Gossip is currency.

      I am so much in fear at the moment, I can't think straight.

      XO
      WWW

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  2. So far I’ve been lucky in having a few close friends either nearby or a phone call away. I have in the past been without close friends in a time of need and it is very hard. I hope you find a good solution to that. If I lost all friends here I would seriously consider moving back to the Wet Coast. Going it alone is very hard.

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    1. I have never felt so alone as today, Annie. A terrible awful cloud. I am hoping I connect with someone this afternoon just to lay it out on loving ears and understanding who knows the parties.

      XO
      WWW

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  3. Your blog is so poignant. I often think of the circle of friends and how people move in and out of that circle. Some friendships are deeper than others; some are just for the "tupperware" talk (translation: light social conversation). So far, there are still the ones who know the guts of me. I think of my aged mom whose best friends have predeceased her. I think of my grandmother, who was the last living member of her birth family. I think you are wise, WWW, to write out your feelings in the absence of a confidante. You are also wise to think of your options and come up with yet one more harbor light.

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    1. Thank you Mona, for understanding, I hate this crawling with fear feeling. And having no one has been totally floodlit for me. Loads of acquaintances, loads of fluffies but nothing deep.

      Even six years ago I wouldn't have said this. It's kind of brought me to my knees.

      XO
      WWW

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  4. I know you shy away from saying anything to your niece,but you do have her. She has knowledge of a lot. Run it by her, she may be very eager to help if she can and if she can't she can make some suggestions, sometimes being in the middle of it , it is hard to see all the answers.
    I know to worry you so,it has to be big. You are one strong woman.
    If the law needs to be called, so be it.
    Or your doctor or another official, it doesn't have to be you it stops with.

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  5. Yes real friends are a scarsity in these scary times. I have my wonderful husband and family, but still I sometimes feel all alone in a big, empty, merciless universe. I so hope for you to find a green spot and a listening ear. Virtual hugs all the way from Denmark.

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  6. I am so sorry to read this and ache with and for you. I am so very glad that writing it down here showed you a glimmer of hope.
    Sending hopeful hugs your way.

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  7. I am sorry for your distress.These times truly add to our ability to our usual worries..feels like so MUCH going on ,all the time,these days... Everyone is off balance. I hope you find a way to get to some bit of inner peace.I am a retired woman,married, but no siblings, no extended family.. and I often wish I had someone very close to confide in, to lean on,from time to time, and share laughter with,too. I worry if my spouse dies first who will I have? I have a grown son, not married..he is talking about retiring early to Mexico (can’t blame him) and I can’t lean on him..it’s his time to travel and enjoy his life! Soo— I know how you feel. Like you,I meditate.I also pray but my faith has been thin lately. Still, we put one foot in front of the other.I am glad writing helps you!

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  8. I am sorry for your distress.These times truly add to our ability to our usual worries..feels like so MUCH going on ,all the time,these days... Everyone is off balance. I hope you find a way to get to some bit of inner peace.I am a retired woman,married, but no siblings, no extended family.. and I often wish I had someone very close to confide in, to lean on,from time to time, and share laughter with,too. I worry if my spouse dies first who will I have? I have a grown son, not married..he is talking about retiring early to Mexico (can’t blame him) and I can’t lean on him..it’s his time to travel and enjoy his life! Soo— I know how you feel. Like you,I meditate.I also pray but my faith has been thin lately. Still, we put one foot in front of the other.I am glad writing helps you!

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  9. Dear Webwisewoman, Your post is so right on.
    Families?? Meh, so overrated. Seriously, it's like everywhere, it's all about maintaining a front. Yeah, i'm polite (well, i make a concerted effort to be). But frankly, am much happier being able to keep a distance. Think it's an end-times thing...says in the New Testament how people are becoming more selfish. Anyway, terrific post - and comments too. Stay well everyone.

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  10. My partner and my family are now pretty well all I have. Friends have either died or moved on for one reason or another. But then again, my doing no doubt, I've never had anyone to confide in. I think it is sad about your family but I do understand. Some people deal with troubles in different ways.

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  11. Sometimes you must let the universe guide you. Stick in a toe and see how it goes.Perhaps you could be a comfort for R to talk to. And, people are living on smaller and smaller bits of liver these days.

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  12. I'm useless at being any kind of rock to lean on type. I think I may be emotionally stunted, having shut everything down when having to raise my self after mum left us and took my siblings. I try, but I'm not the warm and cuddly type.

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  13. My younger daughter called yesterday. She was feeling depressed. It is good to call someone when you are feeling down.

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  14. Dear wisewebwoman,
    I just wanted to tell u how much i enjoyed reading your post on Ronni's blog this morning. I have read other of your posts on her blog as well, & have always resonated with your point of view. I feel you are a deep & empathic person. I'm so glad I clicked on your name this morning & it brought me here to your own blog! I will now enjoy reading about your thoughts here. Thank you so much for sharing with us. Yours truly, elizabeth from lawrence, kansas

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  15. I hope writing this all down brings some clarity. But just a thought ... time to reconnect with family, in a deeper way? Sometimes they surprise you.

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  16. Thinking of you tonight and hoping you find peace.

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  17. Sometimes, in the throes of raising young children, it is nice to be seen as something other than mother and family organiser, to be of value for something more than the routine of the every day.

    I hope you have found the right person to share with and that you have ongoing support. My best friend went to live in the UK and I had hoped she might eventually return at retirement but now she has stage 4 breast cancer.

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    1. I just re-read my comment, it has no flow! I guess i was just reflecting. Losing friends is hard

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  18. I am glad one firm harbour came to mind. Trusted friends are rare and precious. One of my firm harbour friends moved away in midMarch, we used to have tea every week. She had to move in with her daughter due to finances.

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  19. I’m glad you thought of someone you were comfortable talking with. Certainly the number of those with whom we have such a trusted relationship dwindle in number the older we become. Laughter at serious issues can becan avoidance technique some take.

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  20. Oh, Wisewebwoman, my heart goes out to you. Years ago, purely by chance, I met a 94 year old woman and we became friends. She spoke about the pain of outliving everyone and the loneliness. I thought I understood, but now at the age of almost 81, I truly get it. My dearest longtime childhood) friends died within three months of one another. My beloved best friend/relative who was almost one year younger than I died by suicide. We were like sisters and the loss was immensely painful. So, I'm not telling you this to make your feelings any less, but to say, "you're not the only person - it is so very difficult." I, like you, downsized to a new location which equates to having only a few acquaintances. Due to my age, and dependency of my husband on me, I'm now limited in getting out into the community as I once was to meet new people. I'm grateful that you have your wonderful blog so that you can share your feelings and thoughts. At least that is an emotional release of sorts. I would be terribly lonely if I didn't enjoy reading my daily favorite bloggers. I'm sure you will "work your way out of this one" once more and become the stronger for it. Meantime, hugs and luv to you in support.

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  21. As I was reading this post, two days have passed. The fear you felt was visceral: that came across in your words. I so hope that there's some resolution or relief, but I know that doesn't always happen. Be sure that, even though we can't be the knows-the-people-involved friends for you, we do care. Your voice is heard. Your fear is recognized.

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  22. A very sad situation, having lost so many trusted and supportive friends. I realise how important Jenny is to me when I think of my entirely distant, non-communicative family. Sister, brother in law and niece have the absolute minimum of contact with me - Christmas and birthday cards and that's it.

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  23. Thanks to all. Yes, the fear was visceral, deep, like being kicked in the stomach. I couldn't eat, barely slept. I had enormous comfort from all your kind words and understanding. I no longer felt so terribly alone. A dear friend in Ontario just listened and felt my agony as she has a son with ongoing cancer and other family issues of his own with adult children. Often it's just listening. Unconditional love. Listening to the frantic gulping tears. That's what she did. I am forever grateful.

    To everyone.

    XO
    WWW

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  24. I had a patient, who was about 80, who told me she made a point of having several younger friends so that there would always be people she could call on. I thought that was a pretty good plan. I hope you are able to sort through whatever the worry is.

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  25. I know you're feeling better now as I've just read your most recent post....and I'm glad. I'm reading a book at the moment that you might find helpful - The Sage's Tao Te Ching, a new interpretation. It's based on the ancient text but interpreted from the viewpoint of being in the later years of life. That and Eckhart Tolle's ideas on living in the now. Tough to do but I keep up the effort! Good luck and God bless!

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