Monday, December 14, 2020

The Art of Empathy


I try not to speak in platitudes or cliches or tropes. That's not empathy. Examples: Every cloud has a silver lining, into each life a little rain must fall, God closes a door so you can open a window, ad nauseum.

If someone is suffering or complaining or sharing, I try not to rain on the parade of it, the pain or regret of it.

For instance, the other night, a long standing friend shared her pain over her son getting upset and estranging himself from her because she criticised his new wife. Her son is in his fifties.

I am wise to such stuff. For instance when Daughter split up with husband when Grandgirl was only a few months old, I decided I never would criticise her husband (and he was a jerk of the highest order) which would spill over into any relationship I had with him. Why? Well, if anything happened to Daughter I needed access to Grandgirl, the light of my life, and he was not going to concede that access to a raging and seething granny, now was he? I had to see her ex periodically as we would have to pick Grandgirl up or drop her off with each other while Daughter studied or taught. It was always civil and kind.

I've passed this on to other grandparent friends as to how to conduct a relationship with their children's exes even though homicide/femicide might be on their minds. Suck it up, you will reap the benefits.

A sibling and the rest of her family spouted off at her son when he broke up with his wife. They tore his wife up six ways to Sunday. And guess what? The son reconciled with the wife and and told her what his family really thought of her and things have been frosty as ice since.

Keeping the old lips zipped is extraordinarly difficult, especially when you are asked by an adult child, "What do you really think of (insert name of hated in-law here)?". Recommended answer: "As long as you're happy, darling." And excuse yourself for a minute so you can staunch the flow of blood from your tongue. Or "the bastard's gone and left me, mum!" Recommended answer: "What can I do to help you, sweetheart?"
I only share my own experience. I never presume to offer advice for circumstances that have not affected me. And only when asked.

And to go back to the recent pain of my friend and her son and his wife.

My friend P went on a diatribe to her son calling his wife a "skank" - she was only after his money and pension and holdings. To say I was flabbergasted is to understate my reaction to her words. I desperately wanted to criticise her beaviour towards him but I wasn't going to add to her pain. I wasn't going to join in on the downtake of her DIL. I asked her was she ready to apologise and she just about screamed at me: "I wouldn't take back a word of it. She's an effin skank!" But at some level she's ashamed of this because it happened a year ago. A whole year and he refuses to speak or engage with his mother. And it was the first time she shared it with anyone.

Now P has had a turbulent unsettled life. Married 5 times, I met them all and yeah, some of them were also "skanks". Many times her son lived with her parents as she pursued the latest hubby across continents. So definitely pot and kettle come to mind. But I only feel a huge compassion for her. I've had some wonderful fun times with her over the years, we fought for acceptance as female executives in hostile male working environments and always supported each other in all our endeavours. I care for her deeply. And do hope she sees the way of healing with her only child.

So few ask for advice. But empathy is always needed.

37 comments:

  1. You are right. I try very hard NOT to give advice.
    Just the same true empathy is a double edged sword and bites the wielder often.

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    1. Sometimes it can EC, especially when it's not the answer some require to bolster their position.

      XO
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  2. One of the most wonderful gifts we can give is to refrain from judging. Sometimes a person ok only wants to be heard, and we can be a great support just with friendly listening, and reminding the speaker that what they say will go no further. You're a good friend.

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    1. Sometimes it requires just silence. I remember sitting on the hospital bed of a friend who had tried to kill herself and we stared at the walls for 30 minutes in complete and utter silence. Years later she said to me it was one of the things that saved her. She knew I knew.

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  3. It is so, so, so hard to keep quiet.

    Our son-in-law has never had a job in all of the years that we have known him. They've been together for well over 20 years and married for about 14, I think. I was okay with it when our daughter was working in a managerial position and he was (mostly) taking care of the household -- it was kind of a role reversal. Then when she lost her job and went though a couple of years of job search... nothing from him, that I know of. They now live down the road from us. She has suffered though medical complications and severe depression, yest still manages to work, albeit at a much lower income than she had before. They live with his mother who is her mid-80s and he seldom manages to leave the house for anything. Our daughter even does the shopping... and the cooking.

    Other than never having worked, he's not a bad guy -- that's the best I can say.

    I have never, ever, said a negative word about the situation to either of them and neither has Karen. Her relationship with him is our daughter's choice and our saying anything would only serve to drive her away from us, and we are on very good terms with her.

    We don't refrain from judging but we keep it to ourselves -- and sometimes our other daughter, who deals with the situation pretty much as we do.

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    1. You've summed up nicely what a tolerant and loving situation is Mike. You bring to mind what a shaman said to me a long time ago: What kind of assistance to anyone would a criticism be at the this point in time? We have to honour the choices made by our children no matter. We expected the same in our time. My father could barely tolerate my former husband. But never betrayed it apart from the whitening of his lips.

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  4. I am learning the same thing! I often feel frustrated that a friend gets away with a behavior, like commenting on her son or daughter when it is probably not the wisest to do. I seem to draw situations to me that make me consider carefully what I say. I don't want to be that person who feels free to criticize, and so I am slowly learning that I think (thought) that I owned my children, much like my parents did me. I don't hate my parents, but I hope I can give my children a gift I would like to have received! A life that belonged to me, not them.
    You are wise in so many ways and I appreciate the wisdom you pass along, even while you are grieving the very high price you seem to have to pay to be any part of your daughters life at all. Joan of Arc! Courage for some purpose of great importance but you do not even know for what cause you are fighting. Thank you for sharing your life experiences with others.

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    1. Thank you JB, I always wanted to write about life in real terms and not about rainbows and unicorns. Life has its ups and downs and familial relationships are like landmines, all wandering around with our bags of unmet expectations and the theme song of the Waltons running through our heads.

      As long as we can laugh at ourselves now and again it's a marvellous thing. And no one did promise us rose gardens, right?

      XO
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  5. What good advice. Take a step back and view the situation from their side.

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  6. Wise advice. Ultimately it doesn't matter so much about what 'you' may think of 'him'. It is about how they feel about each and does it work for them.

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    1. Exactly, it's like those self help books, useless, everyone's journey is completely different and it struck me as I wrote about P that she's doing the "mirror" thing in criticising her son. She lived his life. And some of her "skanks" stole her money - and her self esteem.

      XO
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  7. I usually just listen, that seems to be what they want.

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  8. I remember when I divorced my children's father I tried so very hard to Not say anything bad about him or his new pregnant partner. The kids all knew about her long before I did, so it wasn't too hard, we all just got on with life as it now was.

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    1. I tried so hard with my kids' father as he was emotionally so distant from them. But kids pick up on every nuance of our behaviours and expressions.

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  9. When I divorced my husband, my mil sent a detailed list of possessions she wanted returned, which I put together and sent. Somehow she missed her son's baby things, which I kept, and gave to my first grandchild. My daughter reported that when Grandma saw those things on the baby she cried; she was so sure you threw them away. But wait, it got better. That daughter has lost them. Gone, gone, gone.

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    1. All those heirlooms that nobody wants. I totally empathize. No one wants my treasures apart from the odd old bit. All the prices china tea sets are gawd knows where now.

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  10. So it's not always best to say what you really think? Hee! That's what I've been learning over the past couple years. Haven't completely mastered myself yet, but am trying. -Kate

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    1. It's an effort at times Kate. Coz, you know, we know everything and they're just dying to hear our wise words!

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  11. It is hard to think kindly of someone who has hurt your child but you are right. It takes strength in the lips, the heart and the mind to keep your mouth shut and say nothing you might eventually regret. At the end of the day kindness and civility, to everyone, is the best option. As the old advice goes "If you've nothing good to say, say nothing at all."

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    1. Yes, we were taught that, weren't we. And tossed it out as restrictive and old fashioned in our hippie days. But the old words can be the wisest in the long run.

      XO
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  12. I recently had to listen to two sides of a marital development and both expected me to take sides. I refused to and instead simply lent my ears for both to let off steam. Four weeks later, the dust has settled and their individual relationships with me have reverted to pre disagreement levels but their relationship with each other is still rocky. They have simply stopped trying to get me involved and I am grateful for that.

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    1. Oh that one would be a bomb Ramana, good for you. I never take sides, especially with a couple, 2 to tango and all that. Let them sort it out all by themselves and seek professional counselling if needed, not family counselling (the worst).

      XO
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  13. Yes, it is always easy to criticize. So hard to empathize.

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    1. Our default seems to be to criticize, Gigi, we have to learn to empathize.

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  14. It's hard to resist the impulse to give advice, especially when asked, but you are right: far better to listen than to expound or worse, criticize. Taking sides is a tricky one. I have one friend who is convince that another friend took sides against her after a messy divorce, the other friend is convinced that she never took sides and wonders why she is being accused of that. I wasn't around at the time so can't say what really happened, but being friends with both women is tricky.

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    1. Oh boy, being forced into the middle is really unpleasant unless you make the subject of their relationship with each other completely off limits in conversations with you. I've had to do that. It's not your circus and certainly not your monkeys. We have enough of our own.

      XO
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  15. Wise words. I have learned the very hard way to not criticize my step children. It took much pain and many years. I still cringe for some things that was said in certain situations.

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  16. It's so hard to keep it buttoned, especially with steps. I discussed blending our 5 children with a potential partner but they were all around the same age and going to the same school and we knew it was hopeless as they didn't like each other to begin with. Multiple issues with his (their mother had walked) and some with my younger. Plus the disruption to my elder in a very vulnerable era of her life.

    I loved him dearly but I just knew the whole situation was too volatile. My tongue had not learned her lessons in those days.

    Empathy would have carried me a long way in understanding his complicated children (eldest was an adopted aboriginal with a rage.)

    XO
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  17. Indeed, it's wise to keep your negative opinions to yourself if you're in danger of alienating someone for life. What is the necessity to air such opinions anyway? It's just spreading poison for the sake of it.

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    1. I agree Nick it serves no useful purpose apart from venting one's one spleen. Not helpful. Empathy is called for.

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  18. You are so right, listen and give support, but don't trash people's partners. They might get back together and hate you! Quiet listening is always helpful, that is the way to go.

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    1. We all make mistakes, and I am particularly sympathetic to my sibling who is one of the kindest people I know but misplaced her love for her son really poorly but joining in criticism. But these are lessons learned the hard way.

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  19. Baby boomers are either going to die of the corona-virus, or will get abused in retirement homes. And you boomers deserve this for destroying your own children's future, your own children's lives. Look in the mirror. You baby boomers are extremely evil people.

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  20. I certainly agree and have done the same where my granddaughter is concerned for the same reasons. Maybe some others just don't recognize the wisdom of such restraint.

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  21. Yes, a wise woman told me she keeps her daughters in law close, not because she likes them a whole lot but because she wants her sons in her life.
    My take on it (same idea, different words) is don't make anyone feel they have to choose

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