We do cling to life don't we? And the more we age, the more we cling. I took huge risks with my life back in the day. Cliff climbing, racing a motorbike at 100 mph (by myself) - on a flat straight road, mind you - but still, one false move and bingo, meat on the pavement, driving way beyond tiredness, falling asleep at the wheel, jerking awake, driving in blizzards on highways in the dark. Pushing myself far too far in road races. Unkillable. That was me.
Friends and I joke are semi-serious about when Alzheimer's or dementia comes knocking at our door. Stashing little supplies of pills, looking at towering cliffs with a keen evaluating eye on the ocean below. We'd stop that baby in its tracks. Or would we?
I have observed the onset on this mental breakdown in fellow tenants or listen to the anecdotal evidence. Two recently "forgot" to eat and were carted off in ambulances to go on an IV for a week to bring their bodies back into balance and then released to their own devices back into our building. Only fellow tenants checking in on them. Families all on the mainland. Apparently forgetting to eat is a sign of the "middling stage" of dementia.
Point being jumping off cliffs will be forgotten along with the meals we're forgetting to eat or the pills we don't know what to do with. Dark humour there.
I have been here long enough now to observe some of the final stages of mental collapse. Stoves unplugged permanently, licences yanked, cars sold, medications put into those automatic dispensers that beep at you, all services paid for by family members if they can afford it, helpers, launderers, cleaners, companions. shoppers, Then evacuation to long term care, quietly, silently, with no farewells.
Offing oneself when the time came is now a long ago idea, buried with all the others in the dark grave of yesterday's plans.
Interestingly enough, anecdotal again, it's the readers and doers and creators and puzzles-solvers that don't join the legion of these sufferers. And I do wonder if mental acuity along with exercising of the brain regularly keeps that particular wolf from the door. Learning new skills is a good workout however challenging and frustrating it can be at times.
So, thoughts?
As to your last paragraph, it works until it doesn't. My 90 yr old mom was physically active on her rural property, doing crosswords, quilting, crocheting until dementia creeped in. She's now in an assisted living residence requiring prompting for many activities of daily living. There's a wide range of normal at the end of life just as there is at the beginning. A friend of hers died this past week at the age of 91. I said no one lives forever to which she replied, "I do." I've been witness to the care or lack of care that can be bestowed upon the aged & it's another reason for me to support assisted dying. Like you, I wonder about having capacity to make these decisions. I need to get working on it.
ReplyDeleteIt's tricky Mona, like when is "when" exactly. I was witness to one of my besties, at 72, slipping down the whole, being aware of all of it for a beautiful week with me, and then sliding away again. She is now at the point of being unable to distintguish night from day and I had to let her go from our weekly talks. Thank goodness we do have assisted dying here but at what point do we decide on the plug pulling?
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Mary, so many thoughts bubbled up reading this.
ReplyDeleteTwo very old - contemporary - friends have recently told me - each with a giggle which was disconcerting - that they have been diagnosed with dementia.
Friend ONE lives in the middle of nowhere, large house, massive garden; refusing her daughter's suggestions to move nearer civilisation.
Friend TWO told me years ago that she's sorted her papers into a box for "when the time comes" but now reading your post I wonder if she knows where it is to hand over to the relevant person?
I wish I could say it was the readers who dodged the bullet; my MIL read in four different languages but slid down that slope in the end.
I know YS, my comment was strictly anecdotal on the evidence of engaging the brain. Are you familiar with that study on the Poor Clares, a nuns' order? They all donated their bodies to science and all of the autopsies had them in advanced stages of Alzheimer's BUT showed no evidence of it, still doing crosswords and embroidery in their nineties. Research showed they all had been happy youngsters (they had kept youthful diaries). I am only recalling this study from memory. You could probably find it on the web. Your friends are a huge concern, living as they do. And I am familiar with the ways the disease is covered up by its victims.
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That's very interesting about the Poor Clare nuns; I didn't know that and will look into that study.
DeleteLast year in Belgium at the funeral of her mother I was talking at length to a niece-in-law who is a 40 year old Poor Clare nun in a community where all the other ladies are in their 70s and 80s and she is worried about the years ahead.
I hang on to the optimistic assumption that I'll simply drop dead one day, or die in my sleep, and needn't worry about dementia, long-term care etc. But who knows what the future actually holds? I certainly couldn't throw myself off a cliff or carry out any kind of suicide.
ReplyDeleteExactly Nick, that would be beyond our ken then. And we really don't know how it all will transpire do we? I ran into one of the non-feeders in the elevator just now and she is blissfully unaware, thin as a rake, calls everyone (men and women) "My beautiful girl." Huge smile. She must be happy in her little world. Ne'er a thought of offing herself in sight.
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I hope. Fervently. Dementia is one of the many possibilities with my disease. It is probably the one I dread most. There is often also a truly dreadful stage where you can remember/realise in lucid moments that the plot is slipping away...
ReplyDeleteMy friend L - whom I've written about here extensively - was like that EC, lucid as to what was happening to her day by day, trusting me implicitly with all the fear, anxiety, multiple books of notes of reminders never looked at again, etc. Heartbreaking. But only for me. I think with slippage like that we are mercifully unaware most of the time.
DeleteIt's odd though, most joke when referring to the possibility and there is very little serious writing on the fear and dread of finding ourselves lost in a mall or a road unable to find our way home and not knowing a GPS from our elbow.
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Every word of your first paragraph was also me. Every.word! I once rode my bike up onto the freeway wall and rode parallel to the road until the last minute I could glide back to the freeway surface again. My brother was ahead of me, and I can still see his look of horror in his side mirror. We thought we were invincible.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how I will slip into that other life. I don't know and think I wouldn't know when I did.
Ah a daredevil sister! I took all kinds if dare, climbed impossible trees with no way to get down, etc. My friend L did know but interestingly, she wasn't distressed by it. There was a huge acceptance though in the last while paranoia had set in - she was being "watched" and her phone calls "recorded." And she lost the meaning of night and day.
DeleteMaybe we won't slip into Joanne? My friend B, who just died, never did and she was 97 drove herself around until 95. Walked a couple of miles a day.
May we be like B.
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While we have assisted dying here in my state at least (it should be Federal) it is a very complex process and certainly not really one a dying person or someone with dementia can undertake themselves.
ReplyDeleteI am not so sure about clever people less likely to have dementia. The first tv story I can remember about dementia was about the road followed by a man and his wife, she being a university professor, as her dementia became worse and life much harder for him. I've personally known some rather clever people and well educated people go through the process. There are two I know of now. For both, they seemed to be having a fairly easy time of it, which is not always the case.
It's nothing to do with intelligence I believe Andrew. Just keep challenging the brain, no matter the pre-retirement life. Many retirees I know (many of them clever) veg in front of the TV, no longer read or do puzzles and start losing their mental acuity. Just my own, as I said, anecdotal observations. But that study on the Poor Clares Order was illuminating.
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I reassure myself that nobody in my family has had dementia but then, they mostly didn't live long enough to get it.
ReplyDeleteOne lady I know is 97, has a bunch of health issues and is just now starting to forget he.r daughter's name and I kind of think that if the body is pretty much completely clapped out, the mind going might almost be a kindness?
And yes, offing oneself when suffering dementia is almost an impossibility but I did watch a TV show on assisted dying and one of the men did have dementia and he chose to end his life before he deteriorated greatly
I had the thought Kylie that we might change our minds about doing ourselves in as the time approaches, the Hemlock Society is an option too. All sorts of exits tips. Painless (that's important!). A fall from a cliff could result in quadraplegia, right?
DeleteI had a great aunt who developed dementia and in a large family she was the only one. It used to be called "Second Childhood" quite a charming term.
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Thank you so much for this Rose. Marion lived right around the corner from me and I could have visited her as I masked everywhere and never spent time with people who didn't.. Shame about that. She sounds like a great woman and we all love Quidi Vidi here, our gorgeous village within the city.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you visit here some time, it would be lovely to meet you. But yes, you are a long way from here.
So sorry to read about your husband, you went through some very trying times and he had a very tough exit.
The husband of a dear friend, now deceased, danced right up to the end with his Alzheimer's even though he'd lost the power of speech and his ability to eat. It was quite amazing to watch.
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Neither of my own parents developed dementia, although both died in their 70s from cancers, so who knows how long they might have lived or what might have developed otherwise? There seems to be no mention of it in my own family history so I'm hopeful for myself, but if I do start slipping, will I know? Will I recognise it? Will I just laugh it off as a bit of forgetfulness? A "senior" moment? Only those around me will be able to tell.
ReplyDeleteA good reminder that we must endeavor to live as fully as possible for as long as we get. How can anyone predict what they'll want when the end is near? It's impossible to know ahead of time, I think. But savoring each moment to the extent we can seems like the best plan, regardless of how life ends.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good reminder to live as fully as possible for as long as we get. How can anyone really predict what they'll want when the end is near? It's impossible to know ahead of time, I think. But savoring each moment to the extent we can seems like the best approach, regardless of how life ends!
ReplyDeleteOh I have the same worries. I’m a childless widow with just a very few good friends who are older than me. I’m 76.
ReplyDeleteInfer a stroke almost more than dementia especially the kind that makes you disabled or takes your speech away, but your brain remains fine.
I too am all for assisting suicide, but there is none in my state. I often think of how to do it and making he decision while you still can. We are on our own with this, as even the states that have it, you must be terminal. I don’t mind a moment of pain, just that it works completely. Mary