I haven't seen this topic written about at all.
But receiving news that is upsetting or awful or tragic or frightening?
How do we process this?
In different ways?
Grief is weird and awful. When someone close to me has died I take ages to process it. When my father died it involved flying to Ireland with delayed overnight at Heathrow and a complete blank of what happened after Heathrow, the journey to see my dead father, the wake, the funeral, the reception at a hotel with the entire family and friends.
Then over coffee with a few friends in downtown Cork the following day - four days since I left Canada - was where I finally burst into floods of tears and had to be carted off to the nearest washroom and mopped up and comforted for a very long time.
I was only in my twenties when my mother died from a horrific form of cancer and I hit the bottle savagely (giving "bottling it up" a brand new meaning) and it took me years to walk away from that and get the help and counselling I desperately needed.
I bottled up all the deaths of nine close friends in the space of a year and half about six years ago and it was only when my doctor told me I was falling into massive ill health as my blood pressure was through the roof and my kidneys were failing and then asking me what the hell was going on when I told him, after some difficulty articulating it, about all my dead dear ones. He immediately referred me to a grief therapist and I will be forever grateful for what followed. Six months of therapy. I was up to that point in my life completely unaware of how unrecognized depression and darkness and grief can impact someone physically even mortally.
I received really bad news about a family member in the last few days and I am crying freely and often about it which is a massive improvement from the old me. Bottling it all up and tamping it all down.
How do you process bad news or grief?
I'm a bottle it up girl!
ReplyDeleteOur Irish heritage does us no favours Jackie. I remember my beloved granddad dying and catching my mother in the bathroom crying and she telling me she had an infection in her eyes. Jeez Louise.
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So sorry you've had bad (and sad) news recently. I, too, keep it all in and am happy you have recovered from doing that. Lots of tissues in use I gather but that's all to the good.
ReplyDeleteMuch healthier to bawl about it Marge but it took me forever to get to that point. Why are we so afraid of showing our sadness (and love) ?
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I need time alone to process it. On the surface I look like I am carrying on as always but underneath is a different matter. And, at a time of intense grief when I had the house packed with visitors that needed attention I cried in the shower - so that my wet and red face had a different explanation.
ReplyDeleteSimilar to myself EC except for this time when I'm letting it all out, often by myself driving but sharing the tears with a few trusted others.
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Letting it out is much more sensible than my approach. Which I know.
DeleteI'm sorry to about hear about such sad family news. How do you, is an apt question as we all do it differently. I feel sad for what my partner is missing out on but I am pleased he never had the chance to know he would quickly be dead.
ReplyDeleteThat's a really good way of looking at it Andrew. I remember the rage I felt at my mum's death but not knowing at all how to deal with it. Drowning it all, of course. I often envy the cultures who go around beating their chests and howling their feelings.
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Another Irish bottler here. Fortunately I am running out of deaths to grieve.
ReplyDeleteMe too Joanne, loved old ones are getting very thin on the ground and we're all in the lottery now.
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I haven't had to deal with much death at all. My parents, which I'd been expecting for a long while, so it didn't affect me much, we weren't close which probably made it easier. More recently, my inlaws, again, we weren't close so that didn't affect me either. I suspect I'll be more affected when or if either of my siblings die. I don't seem to have emotional ties to people or places, yet I cried when Andrew's partner Ray died.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that something River, I cried too for Andrew and the loss of his long time partner. Even though he was such a background figure in Andrew's life.
DeleteYou have been very lucky so far in not having too many deaths around you.
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I talk and over talk and talk some more. It probably maddens the people around me but they are gracious enough to keep listening.
ReplyDeleteRight now I'm in the middle of a significant deterioration in both of my parents and every day seems to bring a new problem. It has become apparent that Dad is rapidly declining mentally and Mum relies on him heavily for physical assistance. I've tried to predict what they may need help with and Mum has laughed me off. Then we end up with the exact emergency I tried to avoid. I am beyond frustrated and I think some of it is anticipatory grief
Gosh, I'm all about myself!
DeleteI'm sorry about your bad news, I am starting to understand how losses just keep adding up and I can imagine it becomes overwhelming
Thanks for sharing that Kylie. Sometimes there are hidden burdens - people carrying them alone - and it does effect both one's outlook and one's physical wellbeing. It's really healthy to share about the challenges and your worries and helplessness in the face of your aging parents and their ailments
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Mary, I am so sorry for your family member and you. Please cry all you need to and call that therapist if it will help. I wish I could give you a hug. As for my coping, I cry, write, read and sleep and I also have learned to find the help I need. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you e. Especially for the virtual hugs. It feels so very lonely at times.
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My condolences on the loss of your loved one. Loss of those who mean so much to us...it is hard.
ReplyDeleteAs you write, we must find a way to deal with grief. Like Kylie mentioned, it is hard, though, when so many occur, one after the other. Also, seeing a long string of deaths ahead is hard to face. Memories of good times with good people can make one sadder, I find.
And it's much harder to make new friends as we age Delaine so the losses of our long, long term siblings and dear friends leaves gaping holes. An old friend and I chatted today about all of this and it was such a comfort to admit to each other these gargantuan losses of the dearlings (as I call them)
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Oh, yes, the making of new friends. It really has to be a conscious effort, doesn't it? I'm fortunate that a woman here in town reached out to me and another woman who we all knew through social media, to meet and get to know each other in 3D. It's turned out to be quite lovely. I am doing my best to maintain and renew contacts so as to have those connections as I continue into elderhood.
DeleteYes, we are fortunate when we make new friends. I was thrilled to befriend a blog-reader recently and we are in daily supportive contact. So yes, it's a gift.
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As yet I've never been confronted by severe grief as the only person really close to me is Jenny. I was never very close to my parents, and I'm not close to my sister.
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether to be sad or happy for you, Nick. But I totally respect your life choices.
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I don't know if I can put my finger on how I cope with grief. I just live through or with it, I guess. Cry, for sure. I'm sorry to hear you've had such sad news. Some things are plain f'n hard to take. xoxo Kate
ReplyDeleteThanks Kate, grief is unpredictable. At the moment when I think of what is happening to a dearling I cry, even before sleep. I move my thoughts away to something innocuous. Otherwise I fear crying all the time.
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It's wise to do this -- think of something else or better yet, something that gives us pleasure or makes us feel good -- it doesn't mean we won't come back to what's in front of us, but it fortifies us for when we do.
DeleteI am truly not sure how I process it, but I can only conclude reasonably well, since I don’t have anguish and lingering consequences, or at least I have not so far. The older I get, the more I accept that people live and people die and there is not much more to it than that. I get far more upset at our ongoing assault on the environment and the extinction of species. That really bothers me.
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